Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Carl's Corner... Part VII

After Dex had scared the hell out of Tony and I in the parking lot, we went back inside. As we walked to the bar, I asked Dex what happened to the 'Mean Lookin' Dude'.

He laughed.

"The last time I saw him, he was staggering into the emergency room over at Lexington Memorial."

"So you didn't take him to jail?" I asked.

"He appologized and promised not to show his busted up face around here anymore." he said sarcastically.

"Hell I guess he did." I laughed. "You kicked his ass pretty good."

"The stupid bastard should've left when I told him."

"Remind me not to piss you off." I joked.

He stared hard at me.

"I don't know, looks like you can take care of yourself." he said.

"The truth is, I can't fight for shit." I laughed. "Luckily, I'm usually able to talk my way out of trouble."

While we were talking, Elizabeth came up. She was obviously feeling very little pain. With Liz, it was easy to tell when she was buzzed because she got a wicked gleam in her eyes and the drunker she got, the more she slurred her words. It was funny as hell.

"Lishen here big boy...these people came to hear shome music!!"

I just laughed and patted her on the shoulder.

"Cool your jets crazy woman...I'm goin', I'm goin'"

I asked Tony if he was ready and he said that he would rather I start alone. So, I walked over to the little alcove area, got my guitar and sat on a bar stool.

Patsy unplugged the juke box and I sat staring at a bunch of strangers who suddenly got very quiet.

I introduced myself and told them that I was going to play a few songs whether they liked it or not because Elizabeth was threatening to shoot me if I didn't.

Obviously, most of the folks there that night knew Elizabeth pretty well because rather than laughing, they all sort of grunted knowingly and applauded.

I played a few songs and the crowd was really gettin' into it. I then motioned for Tony to get his little keyboard and join me.

Maybe it was my imagination but when Tony showed up with the keyboard I thought I could sense a degree of doubt. That doubt quickly disappeared when turned the thing on and began playing riffs. He tore that little sumbitch up!

We sat there and played for more than an hour and they went nuts! It was cool as hell. Everyone seemed to be having a blast and actually, it was kind of nice to play unplugged for a change.

When we told them we were gonna take a little break, they protested good naturedly.

We tried to walk to the bar but were stopped several times before we could get to it. One fiftyish lady with blonde hair and tons of gold jewelry waved us over to her table.

"You boy's are fantastic." she said. "Ya'll ought to be in Nashville." she gushed.

Tony and I exchanged looks. Together and separately, we had heard this before but the truth was, Nashville had chewed us up and spit us out before. I had no desire to starve to death hundreds of miles from home again. Tony, on the other hand, still dreamed and believed we would go back and succeed someday. Then again, Tony believed Ed McMahon was gonna show up with a big damned check with Tony's name on it any day now!

"We appreciate it." I said.

"Yes ma'am, we're working on that right now." Tony lied. "We just need to practice a little more. We haven't played together in years."

"Oh no, I've heard a lot good singers and ya'll are as good as any of 'em." she went on. "Besides soundin' good, y'all are just plain good lookin'."

I stood there probably blushing. Tony took that as his cue to sit down. She reached out and grabbed his arm.

"Especially YOU." she smiled.

Tony was eating it up.

"Well, you will be happy to know that Tony here is newly single and just lookin' for a new lady." I said. "Ya'll get to know each other and I'll get myself a drink."

I hate to say it but, in those days, Tony was ALWAYS scheming, and always looking for, as he called 'em, a "Sugar Mama". His mother used to bankroll his dreams but, she had finally been tapped out and was now married to a new guy so....ole Tony was left to his own devices.

I stood at the bar with Elizabeth and watched him flirting with the old girl. I couldn't resist stirring things up a little.

"Yeah boy, old Tony likes his women a little on the seasoned side." I grinned.

"Oh really?" she grinned.

"Yeah, he's just got a thing for 'em I suppose. Always has." I laughed.

I could see her wheels turning.

"But not you?" she asked.

Damn! I hadn't counted on that.

"I never gave it much thought but, I guess I tend to go for women my own age." I said.

"You don't know what you're missing." she winked.

"Damn...that's the second time I've heard that shit tonight! The first time was from a damned gay cop." I laughed.

She gave me that evil grin of hers.

After a bit, a few folks started hollerin' for us to play some more so, I took that as my cue to break camp.

We played another hour or so and just as we were getting ready to take a break, a guy walked up and asked us to play a song. I forget what it was but, Tony knew it and I didn't. I think it was one of those old George Jones tunes. So, I left him to play while I went to the rest room.

I was stopped by a fortyish red haired woman who had huge breasts! Damn, she looked like she was shoplifting footballs!

"Honey, you fella's are really good." she said. "I'm Margo and this is my husband Reggie."

I shook his hand. He was in his mid forties, kind of chubby and almost bald.

"Margo here thinks you are the shit." he smiled.

"Well thank you ma'am." I said.

I told them I had to go to the rest room.

"You want me to come hold it for you?" she asked.

My head damned near snapped off my shoulders as I looked at Reggie. He just shrugged his shoulders and grinned.

"Hell, ain't she something?" he asked.

"Yeah boy...she's a hoot alright." I said nervously.

"I'm not a hoot....THESE are hoots!" she said as she whipped her sweater up to expose her bare boobs.

I couldn't believe she was doing that in front of her damned husband but he didn't seem to mind one bit.

"Yeah...they certainly are." What the hell else could I say?

"Ok Margo...put those puppies away." Reggie said. "She's just so damned proud of 'em, I bought 'em for her birthday a couple of months ago."

She pulled her sweater down and beamed proudly.

"Today's Reggie's birthday, you oughta see what I did for his birthday present." she said.

I told them I really needed to go to the restroom and made my escape.

A few minutes later as I was exiting the restroom, I saw Margo standing there. She was either waiting for me or waiting for someone to get out of the Ladie's room which was just beside the men's room.

Just kill me!!

She was waiting for me.

"Come here a second, I wanna show you Reggie's birthday present." she whispered and motioned for me to follow her into the little kitchen area a few feet away.

Well, call me a dumbass but, I couldn't see any harm in at least looking at his birthday present. She was obviously proud of it, so......I followed her.

Those of you who have followed my tales know without me even telling you....I should have simply said 'no' and walked away.

Ya'll also know, of course, that I rarely do what I SHOULD do!!

She shut the door behind me and leaned against it.

"Reggie has been after me for years to do this for him....what do you think?" she asked as she lifted up her skirt to reveal that she was wearing no panties and, she was shaved as smooth as a damned billiard ball!

Well shit!

Have you ever had one of those moments when you wished you were temporarily blind? I have and....this was one of 'em!

Dear God what a sight!

I mean DAMN, she was well over forty, well over weight and a red head, which, of course, meant that she was as pale as a friggin' ghost!

I swear I'm not being deliberately cold here but, it looked as though someone had whacked her between the legs with a freakin' AXE! The parts which should have been pink were actually a vivid RED against the pale skin surrounding them and, there were dozens of little red spots all around that ghastly, nasty lookin' wound!

Holy shit!

It reminded me of the first time I saw the movie, "Jaws", minus the teeth.

At least I don't think that ugly thing had teeth!!

All I knew was that I wasn't gonna hang around and find out!

"I'm sure Reggie will love it." I said, not knowing what else to say.

"Well, how do you like it?" she asked in what I'm sure she believed to be a sexy manner.

Why does wierd shit like this ALWAYS happen to me?

"Look, I've got to get back in there." I said. "Besides, I'm sure Reggie wouldn't appreciate this."

She laughed.

"Reggie don't mind, in fact, he wouldn't mind if you wanted to come home with us tonight." she said.

"Sorry Margo, I'm very happily married and, I'm also a devout Quaker so, I can't do that." I lied.

She pulled her skirt back down and shook her head.

"Well, you can't blame me for trying. I didn't think musicians were so religious." she snapped.

"Oh yeah, I play in church every Sunday." I said.

She thought about it for a second.

"I thought Quaker's went to church on Saturday's." she said.

Damn! I didn't know when Quaker's attended church.

"Well, I'm an orthodox Quaker...we've got different rules." I lied, quite proud of myself.

I finally got her to move away from the door long enough for me to get by her and damned if she didn't grab my ass as I left!

I felt! So damned USED!!

Yeah boy, Carl's had some classy patrons!

As I walked past Reggie's table with Margo close behind me, he looked at me as though he was waiting for me to say something. Luckily, Margo spoke.

"He can't go home and play with us....he's a Mormon." she giggled.

I turned around.

"Actually, I'm a Quaker." I told him.

He seemed just about to say something but, I hauled ass!

I got the hell away from those freaks in a damned hurry!

Patsy had two Kamikaze's waiting for me as I reached the bar. Thankfully, Elizabeth was gone.

"Where'd ole Liz get to?" I asked Patsy.

"She's in the office probably takin' a little nap. She got buzzed a little too quick tonight but, she'll be back in an hour or so." she explained.

"Well, that's a new one to me." I laughed. "Napping in a bar."

"Trust me dude, she's my sister but she's a nut." she said.

"Yeah, I've kinda reached that conclusion on my own." I laughed.

"You sure you wanna take this job?" she asked me.

"No, I'm not sure but, I've grown fond of eating and, I need the job." I explained. "I've made her put everything in a contract so, at least it's on record if she goes crazy on me."

She laughed and shook her head.

"Ron, if that little bitch decides to go crazy on you, a piece of paper ain't gonna stop her." she warned.

"Well, I guess I'll have to at least give it a shot for awhile." I said. "I can always walk away."

"If you're able to walk when she get's through with you." she snorted.

"Thanks for the pep talk." I chuckled.

It was then that I realized that Tony was still playing.

"Tony's eatin' this shit up." I said.

"Ya'll are really good." she said. "And he's really cute." pointing to Tony.

"So, I'm not cute?" I laughed, acting offended.

She smiled.

"No, you ain't cute." she said. "There ain't a damned thing cute about you. You're a nice lookin' man but, Tony's a cute boy....boy's are easier to handle." she winked at me.

"If you say so but I'm tellin' you straight, Tony is a lot of things but, 'easy to handle' ain't one of 'em."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Don't get me wrong, I love ole Tony to death but, he's not really of this world." I began. "He sort of believes that the real world just screws up the way things SHOULD be."

"Hmmm....sounds interesting." she said slyly.

"Oh yeah....Tony's interesting as just gotta love him!"

I drank my Kamikazi's just as Tony finished a song. The crowd was lovin' him. He looked at me and motioned for me to get him a Kamikazi as well as a beer.

Patsy poured a couple more and slid two more beers at me.

I carried them over to the alcove.

"Man, I've played all the Conway Twitty, George and Hank Jr. I can do on my ready for some our shit?" he asked.

I told him I was good to go so, we played for another hour or more. We took requests, playing most of them, forgetting lyrics we hadn't sung in years, remembering shit we didn't even know we knew and basically, we had a ball.

Any musician will tell you that when people really pay attention and interact with you, playing music is the best job in the world.

It was kind of like playing in a big living room with approximately 75 people sitting around getting hammered.

At some point, Tony suggested that we play "If I Had You" by Alabama which, we hadn't done in a long time. Alabama songs are all about tight harmony's so, being a semi perfectionist, I declined. Hell, we hadn't played together in at least two years!

"Ron don't wanna try this song 'cause we haven't played together in a long time. He thinks ya'll actually give a shit if we screw it up!" he addressed the crowd who, of course, suggested that I lighten the fuck up and play the damned song.

We played the damned song.

Tony had always sung lead on that song so, we played the intro and, at the appropriate time for him to sing....he drew a complete blank.

He couldn't remember the lyrics.

We laughed, the crowd laughed and, we tried it again.

Again, he completely lost it. No lyrics came to mind and, quite frankly, I couldn't remember 'em either.

The crowd was having a freakin' ball laughing with us. It was really pretty funny.

At this point, I remembered part of the first line so, I leaned over and said.

"The first line starts with, 'If I had you'" I said. "Hell, lay the "Autistic Elvis" on 'em, they'll never know the difference."

Side Note: 'Autisic Elvis' was a hilarious thing to behold. Part Michael McDonald, part George Jones, part drunken whino and pure Tony, 'Autistic Elvis' was like listening to the lyrics through a pillow.

A really fluffy pillow.

Here's a quick sample of 'Autistic Elvis' singing...

'Autistic Elvis'..."If I had you...wee ruh lah jizzy's ina win."

Real Lyrics..."If I had you, we'd run like gypsy's in the wind."

We did it 'AA' style and damned if we didn't fake our way through it even though, it was all I could do to keep from cracking up!

Lordy....when we finished butchering that poor song, the crowd went wild!

Oh yeah....this was gonna be a great place to play!!

Tony looked at me and laughed.

"Looks like we just found a home big guy!" he said.

To Be Continued...............


Anonymous rockync said...

Ron writes, "Why does wierd shit like this ALWAYS happen to me?"
I told you, it's karma! And you were a horn dog, followin' any piece of tail that twitched past you.... BOYS!

9/10/2006 11:46 PM  
Blogger Rantin' Ron said...

Well hell're saying that like it's a bad thing!! LOL.

Although, you are RIGHT! I was.

9/11/2006 12:15 AM  
Blogger Jean said...

Glad you visited my blog!.....actually, I've been reading your blog for about a week. Trying not to read this post, because I still have some catchin' up to do...and I really like what I've read so far... what a hoot!

9/11/2006 4:29 AM  
Blogger AFSister said...

LMAO... you get yourself into the craziest situations. Comes with being a musician, I suppose. HAHAHAHA

9/11/2006 11:52 AM  
Blogger a-fire-fly said...

You know, I can read a 300 page book in a couple hours. I love your blog but it is torture to wait!

9/11/2006 8:31 PM  
Blogger Rantin' Ron said...

I really don't intend to "tease" anyone. Life just get's in the way sometimes and I can't seem to take the time to write new episodes.

Thank ya'll for droppin' by.

I'll try and do better tomorrow.

afsister and a-fire-fly....I love you gals.

af....yep, playin' in rednecked, low class bars does put a guy in a position to get into strange situations!

a fire fly....sorry darlin', I write a helluva lot slower than you read!!

More tomorrow......


9/11/2006 9:39 PM  
Anonymous SK said...

Hey Ron....anybody who can make us smile on 9/11 has a rare and true gift.

9/12/2006 8:29 AM  
Blogger Rantin' Ron said...

Sk..thanks darlin'. I must admit, I got so pissed off at all the 9-11 hypocrisy yesterday that I didn't much feel like writing last night but...I'll do better today...I hope.

9/12/2006 8:46 AM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

Hi Sweetie,

Just couldn't resist posting a comment this time. Really funny stuff, glad we were'nt married then. Guys, you should be married to this crazy guy. It is never boring, that's for sure.

9/12/2006 9:24 AM  
Anonymous SK said...

Michelle, I am convinced you are a Saint:)

9/12/2006 11:22 AM  
Blogger Libby Spencer said...

Nice to meet the lovely Michelle. You're a brave woman to have married this wild boy.... ;-}

9/12/2006 11:32 AM  
Anonymous AFSister said...

I'm with SK!
Michelle, you are a saint! But I do think it would be fun to be around Ron day by day.

9/12/2006 11:48 AM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

Thanks Ladies. Saint is a little much, but I am good. Trust me this stuff was long before the marriage. Some was still going on when we first met. Needless to say things didn't work out the first time we met. Things are great between us and as I said never a dull moment. It took us both a lot of years to get it right.

9/12/2006 2:25 PM  
Anonymous rockync said...

Hi Michelle, glad you are here. Ron has such great stories, I instantly became his groupie! We seem to have some similar past friends and hangouts so I'm just afraid we may have met in those bad ole days! If I ever recognize myself in one of these stories,like "the drunk chick kept yelling for.." I'm going to quietly slink away....

9/12/2006 10:02 PM  

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