Trick or Treat

Tonight, I finally found time to sit down and finish the “Billionaire Party” story and after a few minutes of thinking about it, I came to a not-so startling realization I suppose….

I don’t remember a whole hell of lot about what happened after the asshole got his nuts crushed!! I do remember bits and pieces but, to be honest, it’s mostly a random bunch of disconnected events.

Who would have thought massive amounts of vodka, beer, pot and an equatorial line of cocaine would diminish ones ability to remember?

Go figure.

Having said this, I must deliver a trick as opposed to a treat on this Halloween Night!

It’s really embarrassing because normally (or should I say ‘usually’) I just sit down and stuff springs from my mind to the keyboard but, in this instance…

I’m friggin’ LOST!!

I DO remember however, that Dan, the rich dude, paid me $400.00 after yankin’ my chain all night. He said it was ‘combat pay’ because I had gotten punched out by the ‘crushed nuts’ guy.

I also remember that Victoria got pissed off and left because I was playing ‘Cheater’s Poker’ rather than paying attention to her.

The funniest thing I remember is that, the next day, John C. and I were supposed to play golf the next day at Hawksnest at 4:00 pm so he had slept downstairs at my place. I woke up at around 2:00 pm and went downstairs to find him but he was nowhere to be found.

I looked all over but…he was gone!

I went into the kitchen and noticed a bunch of seeds and tangerine peelings in my sink.

John had obviously gotten up and eaten a bunch of two month old tangerines which were in a bowl on the kitchen table!!

I called his house but, there was no answer.

I went back to bed and slept for hours.

The next morning, I finally got a call from John.

The following is a true recollection of that call.

RING!

“Hello” I said.

“It’s me.”

“What happened to you dickhead? We had a 4:00 tee time yesterday asshole!” I shouted.

“Aw man…ah wanted to play. Ah got all mah stuff in the car when it happened!” He explained.

“What happened?” I enquired.

“Mah separator went out on me!” He said.

I was getting pissed!

“What?" I demanded.

“Mah gotdamned separator went out on me and ah could’nt help it!” He explained.

“Your car fucked up?” I asked.

“No dude!” he shouted. “Mah gotdamned SEPARATOR fucked up!”

I racked my brain to understand but, I had no friggin’ idea what he meant.

“John….what the hell are you talking about?” I demanded.

“Dude…ah got all mah stuff in the car when, all of the sudden ah got me this tremendous urge to fart so, naturally, ah hike up mah leg and let it rip.” He told me.

“So?” I prompted.

“Well, that’s when my shit/fart separator went out on me on and ah flat out shit mah gotdamned pants!” He said.

I laughed so hard that I was fearful of my own ‘separator’.

“Laugh all yuns want you sumbitch but my poor old Mama was standin’ raht beside me when I shat mahself!”

All I could do was hang up the phone.

To this day, I think that’s the hardest I’ve ever laughed in my life!

You had to be there I guess.

My schedule is looking better this week so….

I’ll see ya’ll again soon….I HOPE!