If I Were "Emperor Of The USA"
Hey....It Could Happen!
Here's a list of things I would do if I were in charge of the good old USA...or... maybe I would change the name to something spiffy like "Ron's World"? Hmm, I'm gonna have to give that some serious thought while I gather my army of brain dead followers. No....not Liberals, they ain't much on fighting ANYTHING except morality, common sense, loyalty.....well, you know.
* Liberals would be dragged off and shot....with low powered BB guns every hour on the hour until they admit they are lying anti American, blame
America first, whining, self serving, corrupt pieces of sub human debris! After obtaining a signed confession, I would confiscate their wealth and property. I would THEN send them to France....penniless. Let's see how much they love Paris while living in a refrigerator box under the "Arch D' Shade For Invaders".
* I would IMMEDIATLY repeal the current tax codes and institute a national sales tax so that EVERYONE would pay taxes on EVERYTHING they purchase. Drug dealers, criminals, rich, old, hookers, kids and old people. No more free rides...well..except for ME of course. (After all, it would be unseemly for an Emporer to pay for anything. Hell, it would make my subjects sad to see their exalted leader scratching for cash.)
* I would institute a federally funded mandate to de-program morons who watch Oprah, the network news or The Daily Show.
* I would hire Jon Stewart and his staff to entertain ME personally. I would, of course, occasionally invite a few friends to watch the show but they would be required to have an IQ greater than room temperature. It's the funniest show on TV for my money. The writers are geniuses. Stewart and Colbert are extremely talented comedians BUT.....most of their viewers don't understand that it's politically driven SATIRE!! The Daily Show is where a large segment of young America get what they believe to be "THE NEWS". Don't even get me started on movies.
* "Loser Pays" would be the law of the land for all law suits and, America can consider itself fortunate that I don't institute a "Loser Gets Shot" law.
* Rap music would be replaced by Barney tunes. Ok...that might be a bit too harsh. Maybe Barry Manilow tunes. Ok wait...I'm gonna have to ponder that one a bit more.
* I would prohibit attorneys from going into politics. PERIOD.
* I would allow anyone over the age of eighteen to own a gun or guns. Screw gun safety classes too. An inexperienced gun toter is FAR more dangerous than someone who actually knows what they are doing. Those who accidentally kill themselves will be presented with a posthumous Darwin Award. Those who shoot someone who doesn't deserve to be shot goes to prison. I will be the sole arbiter of who deserves to be shot. (I call it my "Purifying The Gene Pool" program.
The crime rate would plummet immediatly and courtesy would rise to heights heretofore unseen since the Victorian age. It's shockingly easy to be polite to your neighbor when you realize he owns a 44 Magnum and is as likely to hit your genitalia as your back porch.
* Military service of at least four years would be mandatory for everyone. Man, woman, queer, transvestite, handicapped, midget, dwarf, transgender, hair dresser, moron.....they will ALL serve a stint in the military. If you don't serve honorably, your ass gets shipped to France....the birthplace of dishonor.
* The word "GAY" will be returned to it's former meaning so that I will be able to watch old movies and not be reminded of some guy ravaging another dudes rectum. The word "QUEER" will apply to all homosexuals. If it's perfectly acceptable to have America be subjected to a queer based TV show like "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", it should be a good enough word to be used by the general population without being labeled a Homophobe.
* I would decriminalize "illegal drugs", prostitution and gambling. The United States currently imprisions a larger percentage of it's citizenry than any nation in the world. (I'd rather have those folks out there paying my recently instituted sales tax.) Alcohol ruins more lives than drugs, prostitution and gambling COMBINED and it's perfectly legal. If ANTHING should be illegal, it should be booze. There will ALWAYS be morons among us...let 'em die young and quit sucking up good air.
* Marriage would be legal for anyone to anyone or to anything. I've never understood why the hell it's the government's business to begin with. I don't give a shit whether you wanna marry a goat, four women, two queers or a freakin' maple tree. It's none of my business. It's between YOU and God...and I believe that HE will deal with your sick ass when the time comes. As long as I don't have to be subjected to it, I don't care. You WILL answer for your sick behavior at some point in time. Enjoy your perversions while you can.
* I would end capitol punishment. Not only have more than a few people been wrongly executed throughout the years, there are FAR better forms of punishment. I'd turn Mexico into a Federal Prison. Yes, I know, I'll have to conquer Mexico first but that should only take a week, three days of which would be dedicated to cleaning the place up a bit before the dregs of our society move in. After all... there IS a cruel and unusual clause in our bill of rights.
Once I've fenced it in, Mexico State Prison would be guarded round the clock by MY army. That's it. The prisoners would either live off the land or die. Period. Screw 'em.
* Those people sentenced to Mexico State Prison would be SERIOUS killers, ANY child molester, rapists, traitors and perhaps telemarketers. I'll have to think on it a bit.
* "Regular prisons" would immediatly be placed under the supervision of Sheriff Joe Arpio's EVIL twin. Recidivism? Not so much anymore.
* All cat's would be banished to France. Those filthy jackasses DESERVE the nasty bastards. Any creature that can lick it's own ass, scratch around in a box of it's own waste, convince people to keep the aforemention shit box INSIDE their homes AND possess the ability to walk around on your kitchen counters when you aren't looking OUGHT to be shot on sight but, I'm a sensitive guy so...deportation will suffice.) They are damned lucky I'm only shipping them to France. Or.....maybe they would rather take the bullet. I don't know.
* Employers will be able to hire and fire ANYONE they wish to for ANY reason! You don't like it? Go start your own friggin' company you whining piece of shit!
* Aid to foriegn countries would be doled out on the basis of which country kisses America's ass the most. PERIOD.
* I would drill for oil in the front yard of a kindergarten if that's where the oil is. Screw a bunch of tree huggers. (Side Note: Did ya'll know there is a freakin' operational oil rig in the tree hugging state of California ON the campus at Hollywood High School?) It's true.
* Secondary school teachers would be paid $5000.00 per student per year for every student who passes an exit exam to be administered by MY Secretary of Education aka my brother Mike. (That son of gun has raised a friggin' tribe of well educated and well adjusted kids.)
* Members of our military would be paid $100,000 per year with benefits that would impress an oil company CEO.
* All United States citizens would be guaranteed top quality health care by health care professionals who will be sent to Mexico State Prison if the treat their patients like crap. (Don't worry... all these programs will be easy to fund if we stop sending aid to countries that hate us anyway and...don't forget my recently instituted National Sales Tax.)
* All fat women found wearing hip hugging stretch pants and shirts which force us to view their hideous jelly roll would be sentenced to develop court ordered Anorexia.
* Any overweight dude showing an ass crack in public would be sent to Mexico State Prison as a guard for a term of ten years or fifty lost pounds, whichever comes first.
* I would replace "No Child Left Behind" with a little program I would call, "Teach The Stupid Kids A Freakin' Trade!" Where would the world be if it were only full of college graduates? Somebody has to be that wierd dude who runs the AUTOMATED car wash!
*Jehova's Witnesses would be required to do your housework or wash your friggin' car while they spout their happy horeshit. I'll bet it'd be a cold day in Hell before those crazy bastards woke us up at 8:00 a.m. again! (SIDE NOTE: The "Witnesses" up here on the mountain have an incredibly diabolical tactic...the woman who knocks on your door is freakin'
GORGEOUS! If I weren't in love with my wife I'd be sitting in the front row EVERY Saturday morning!) Evil people those Jehovah's.
* All children under the age of eighteen would be FORBIDDEN to wear, possess, own or drive anything that EVERY other kid doesn't have. PERIOD. Screw a bunch of whining, unappreciative, disrespectful pricks and prickettes! Screw a bunch of superficial "individuality". If you wish so badly to "stand out".......here's a thought...Be OUTSTANDING in things that matter in the real world.
To Be Continued....even the Good Lord had to rest on the seventh day!
Here's a list of things I would do if I were in charge of the good old USA...or... maybe I would change the name to something spiffy like "Ron's World"? Hmm, I'm gonna have to give that some serious thought while I gather my army of brain dead followers. No....not Liberals, they ain't much on fighting ANYTHING except morality, common sense, loyalty.....well, you know.
* Liberals would be dragged off and shot....with low powered BB guns every hour on the hour until they admit they are lying anti American, blame
America first, whining, self serving, corrupt pieces of sub human debris! After obtaining a signed confession, I would confiscate their wealth and property. I would THEN send them to France....penniless. Let's see how much they love Paris while living in a refrigerator box under the "Arch D' Shade For Invaders".
* I would IMMEDIATLY repeal the current tax codes and institute a national sales tax so that EVERYONE would pay taxes on EVERYTHING they purchase. Drug dealers, criminals, rich, old, hookers, kids and old people. No more free rides...well..except for ME of course. (After all, it would be unseemly for an Emporer to pay for anything. Hell, it would make my subjects sad to see their exalted leader scratching for cash.)
* I would institute a federally funded mandate to de-program morons who watch Oprah, the network news or The Daily Show.
* I would hire Jon Stewart and his staff to entertain ME personally. I would, of course, occasionally invite a few friends to watch the show but they would be required to have an IQ greater than room temperature. It's the funniest show on TV for my money. The writers are geniuses. Stewart and Colbert are extremely talented comedians BUT.....most of their viewers don't understand that it's politically driven SATIRE!! The Daily Show is where a large segment of young America get what they believe to be "THE NEWS". Don't even get me started on movies.
* "Loser Pays" would be the law of the land for all law suits and, America can consider itself fortunate that I don't institute a "Loser Gets Shot" law.
* Rap music would be replaced by Barney tunes. Ok...that might be a bit too harsh. Maybe Barry Manilow tunes. Ok wait...I'm gonna have to ponder that one a bit more.
* I would prohibit attorneys from going into politics. PERIOD.
* I would allow anyone over the age of eighteen to own a gun or guns. Screw gun safety classes too. An inexperienced gun toter is FAR more dangerous than someone who actually knows what they are doing. Those who accidentally kill themselves will be presented with a posthumous Darwin Award. Those who shoot someone who doesn't deserve to be shot goes to prison. I will be the sole arbiter of who deserves to be shot. (I call it my "Purifying The Gene Pool" program.
The crime rate would plummet immediatly and courtesy would rise to heights heretofore unseen since the Victorian age. It's shockingly easy to be polite to your neighbor when you realize he owns a 44 Magnum and is as likely to hit your genitalia as your back porch.
* Military service of at least four years would be mandatory for everyone. Man, woman, queer, transvestite, handicapped, midget, dwarf, transgender, hair dresser, moron.....they will ALL serve a stint in the military. If you don't serve honorably, your ass gets shipped to France....the birthplace of dishonor.
* The word "GAY" will be returned to it's former meaning so that I will be able to watch old movies and not be reminded of some guy ravaging another dudes rectum. The word "QUEER" will apply to all homosexuals. If it's perfectly acceptable to have America be subjected to a queer based TV show like "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", it should be a good enough word to be used by the general population without being labeled a Homophobe.
* I would decriminalize "illegal drugs", prostitution and gambling. The United States currently imprisions a larger percentage of it's citizenry than any nation in the world. (I'd rather have those folks out there paying my recently instituted sales tax.) Alcohol ruins more lives than drugs, prostitution and gambling COMBINED and it's perfectly legal. If ANTHING should be illegal, it should be booze. There will ALWAYS be morons among us...let 'em die young and quit sucking up good air.
* Marriage would be legal for anyone to anyone or to anything. I've never understood why the hell it's the government's business to begin with. I don't give a shit whether you wanna marry a goat, four women, two queers or a freakin' maple tree. It's none of my business. It's between YOU and God...and I believe that HE will deal with your sick ass when the time comes. As long as I don't have to be subjected to it, I don't care. You WILL answer for your sick behavior at some point in time. Enjoy your perversions while you can.
* I would end capitol punishment. Not only have more than a few people been wrongly executed throughout the years, there are FAR better forms of punishment. I'd turn Mexico into a Federal Prison. Yes, I know, I'll have to conquer Mexico first but that should only take a week, three days of which would be dedicated to cleaning the place up a bit before the dregs of our society move in. After all... there IS a cruel and unusual clause in our bill of rights.
Once I've fenced it in, Mexico State Prison would be guarded round the clock by MY army. That's it. The prisoners would either live off the land or die. Period. Screw 'em.
* Those people sentenced to Mexico State Prison would be SERIOUS killers, ANY child molester, rapists, traitors and perhaps telemarketers. I'll have to think on it a bit.
* "Regular prisons" would immediatly be placed under the supervision of Sheriff Joe Arpio's EVIL twin. Recidivism? Not so much anymore.
* All cat's would be banished to France. Those filthy jackasses DESERVE the nasty bastards. Any creature that can lick it's own ass, scratch around in a box of it's own waste, convince people to keep the aforemention shit box INSIDE their homes AND possess the ability to walk around on your kitchen counters when you aren't looking OUGHT to be shot on sight but, I'm a sensitive guy so...deportation will suffice.) They are damned lucky I'm only shipping them to France. Or.....maybe they would rather take the bullet. I don't know.
* Employers will be able to hire and fire ANYONE they wish to for ANY reason! You don't like it? Go start your own friggin' company you whining piece of shit!
* Aid to foriegn countries would be doled out on the basis of which country kisses America's ass the most. PERIOD.
* I would drill for oil in the front yard of a kindergarten if that's where the oil is. Screw a bunch of tree huggers. (Side Note: Did ya'll know there is a freakin' operational oil rig in the tree hugging state of California ON the campus at Hollywood High School?) It's true.
* Secondary school teachers would be paid $5000.00 per student per year for every student who passes an exit exam to be administered by MY Secretary of Education aka my brother Mike. (That son of gun has raised a friggin' tribe of well educated and well adjusted kids.)
* Members of our military would be paid $100,000 per year with benefits that would impress an oil company CEO.
* All United States citizens would be guaranteed top quality health care by health care professionals who will be sent to Mexico State Prison if the treat their patients like crap. (Don't worry... all these programs will be easy to fund if we stop sending aid to countries that hate us anyway and...don't forget my recently instituted National Sales Tax.)
* All fat women found wearing hip hugging stretch pants and shirts which force us to view their hideous jelly roll would be sentenced to develop court ordered Anorexia.
* Any overweight dude showing an ass crack in public would be sent to Mexico State Prison as a guard for a term of ten years or fifty lost pounds, whichever comes first.
* I would replace "No Child Left Behind" with a little program I would call, "Teach The Stupid Kids A Freakin' Trade!" Where would the world be if it were only full of college graduates? Somebody has to be that wierd dude who runs the AUTOMATED car wash!
*Jehova's Witnesses would be required to do your housework or wash your friggin' car while they spout their happy horeshit. I'll bet it'd be a cold day in Hell before those crazy bastards woke us up at 8:00 a.m. again! (SIDE NOTE: The "Witnesses" up here on the mountain have an incredibly diabolical tactic...the woman who knocks on your door is freakin'
GORGEOUS! If I weren't in love with my wife I'd be sitting in the front row EVERY Saturday morning!) Evil people those Jehovah's.
* All children under the age of eighteen would be FORBIDDEN to wear, possess, own or drive anything that EVERY other kid doesn't have. PERIOD. Screw a bunch of whining, unappreciative, disrespectful pricks and prickettes! Screw a bunch of superficial "individuality". If you wish so badly to "stand out".......here's a thought...Be OUTSTANDING in things that matter in the real world.
To Be Continued....even the Good Lord had to rest on the seventh day!
posted by Rantin' Ron | 5:31 PM
7 Comments:
O Emperor Ron, please do something about the media and unions and the Feds and my nasty neighbors that own 26 beagles and...Hey, about that cat comment. I'm a dog person, but my daughter has a cat (that I allow to live in the house because she has no claws)and that cat has changed my mind about cats. She can jump about 5 feet in the air and catch flies. Now that's a useful cat!
Ok...THAT cat will be issued an Emperial waver. Now..go forth and take in NO more cats.
I also have a neighbor with 8 or ten beagles! I also have a story about him and them that I'll blog about soon.
You got my vote if I can help round up the rappers and cats
Neighbor's with beagles ought to be outlawed. These damn dogs are kept in kennels and they bay all night long. AND the owner brags about having 26 of em. I can't wait for some of them to escape and come on my property!
The dogs are fine, just doing their thing. It's the owners that are getting on my nerves.
Sir, you have your shit straight.
-lco
I'm so glad you have such a low opinion of France as I do :)
They just updated their tank regiment , they all now have 12 reverse gears.
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