The Double L Club And Me
First of all, let me say that I've got to be REAL careful about giving details because I live in an area where EVERYONE knows EVERYONE. I'm not worried about law suits...I'm worried about getting my nuts shot off!
Contrary to Biblical accounts, the mountains of western North Carolina is actually the place where Cain killed Able! That crazy shit STARTED here and the natives have turned homicide into a freakin' art form ever since! Some of these locals are crazier than a cat shot in the ass.
Only six months ago and a mile up the road from us, a guy was killed with a damned fryin' pan because he didn't share his bottle of Listerine with his girlfriend. It wasn't about the desire to have fresh breath folks....crazy Gloria was pissed 'cause poor Sammy was hogging the Listerine! These fools were DRINKING the stuff!
Oh.....did I mention the fact that, when they found poor Sammy, (the fryin' pan recipient) he had over two thousand bucks in his pocket? Oh yeah...they were drinking Listerine because they WANTED to drink Listerine!
'Splain THAT if you can!
If I'm lyin', may God strike me dead this moment.
A few years ago, a man was found dead along the Blue Ridge Parkway with a friggin' hay fork in his back. His body was determined by the coroner to have sustained THREE pokes from the aforementioned hay fork before he finally went to his reward.
Oh, sorry, I forgot to add that the death was ruled a SUICIDE!
Again...I ain't making this shit up.
So, now you know why I've got to be careful about telling this TRUE story. Names have been changed to protect the innocent....ME.
She tipped me $50.00 and told me that she "would love to have one of my cd's but a live concert at her home would be even better."
Don't you wish sometimes that life had a "Do Over" button? Dear Lord, if it did, I'd still be pushing that sumbitch over THIS impending fiasco!
I was semi young, single and...did I mention she was freakin' GORGEOUS? So...of course I said....
"I'll be done playing at 2:00 a.m., I'll be ready to go five minutes after that." (playing hard to get just wasn't my strong suit.)
As I began my last set, I couldn't help but notice that a bevy of really nice looking women were literally flowing into the bar. I'm thinking that a freakin' beauty contest had just let out somewhere ! They were everywhere! All shapes, heights, sizes and everyone of them was dressed to kill.
Franny came up to request a song which, much to my chagrine...I didn't know. I offered to play another one she liked so, it worked out.
Before she went back to her table I asked her about all the women because they seemed to know each other and....they damn sure weren't from around here.
"Oh that's just our little club. They're staying at our house this weekend and I thought you might like to play for us a bit."
Now, I'm thinking, "Hell, I'll clean your freakin' house for you darlin'!" but, what I actually said was.
"God loves me you know."
"HE certainly does." she said with a sexy grin.
She sauntered back to her table leaving me damn near breathless.
After the set was done, I walked off the stage and straight into the arms of Franny and her friends. Compliments poured from the painted lips of the babes and I ate it up. I had died and gone to heaven!
Franny bought a round of Goldschlagger for the house, kissed me dead on the lips and told me to follow the ladies back to her house. Of course, I said...
"Franny, I'm sorry...I'm just too tired and my dog Barney is at home waiting for me."
(DAMN I wish I HAD said that!)
What I actually did was almost run to my car vowing to tailgate her Caddy all the way to her house.
During the short drive, visions of debauchery danced in my head as I stayed on her tail as though our bumpers were locked.
At the end of our little journey a set of enormous wrought irons gates opened and I saw Franny's house for the first time. It was a friggin' mansion!
I'll skip the Archetectural Digest description of the home and fast forward to jist of this yarn.
Someone had covered a large table in the vast living room with what HAD to be a pound of pot, lines of Coke, and three jars of what I later found out was Moonshine. Oh dear God....what had I gotten myself into?
Now, I'm no prude but hell, I was 41 years old at the time. Athough I had abused my share of each of those substances and more, I had sworn off everything except for the occasional joint and alcohol. These girls were looking to send me to freakin' rehab!
The first item of business was to engage in a toast which of course, was offerred by Franny. Hoisting a crystal goblet of 'Shine she made her toast.
"Here's to the Double L's and to our new friend Ron!"
The ladies howled in delight and promptly slammed old John Barleycorn as if it were lemonade. I had to hold my breath, resist the urge to hurl, breath through my mouth and fight to keep it down. Moonshine gives me the urge to first puke my guts out then, take my pants off over my head.
Once I recovered my voice, I asked her what the hell was the Double L club.
"Oh....you didn't know? We're from all over the South...we're the Lipstick Lesbians."
I silently took another shot of 'Shine, snorted a line of Coke, fired up a joint and with a straight face said...
"I suppose I ain't gettin' laid after all am I?"
The girls started howling with laughter and taking their clothes off. One of 'em yelled "POOL" and they all ran out of the room giggling like school girls. Leaving me with Franny and another girl (the worst looking one of the whole bunch by the way). Alone.
"Ron, I want you to meet my partner Stephie"
"Nice to meet you." I said, turning on a 100 watt smile. Stephie wasn't buyin' it.
"Fuck you...I didn't ask you here." quite the charmer huh?
"Well, while we're on the subject, why the hell am I here? And watch your language I'm a fuckin' Quaker." I said as I took another hit off the joint I was holding.
I was going straight past horny to increasingly pissed off!
Franny intervened before Frau Sour Puss could answer.
"I told you, I want you to give a private concert for us, you're really quite talented."
Well damn it, she HAD to go drag my ego back from the abyss of being surrounded by gorgeous women I was NOT going to have sex with by stroking the big E like a pet cat! That ain't fightin' fair.
"Look ladies, I appreciate the offer but, I don't live far from here and I can hear my dog barkin' for me so, I'm ought of here. Thanks for the hospitality...except for you Stephie. You I don't like so much."
I started to leave when Stephie said something I'll never forget.
"There's a Thousand bucks in it for you."
Now, I was getting $200.00 a night and tips at the time so I almost choked at her offer but my ego had been bruised, my dreams dashed upon the rocks of homesexuality and I was pissed! After all... what's a man got without his honor? So I took a deep breath and proudly stated....
"Where do you want me to set up?"
Yep, I'm a whore. Bought and paid for.
To Be Continued...
Contrary to Biblical accounts, the mountains of western North Carolina is actually the place where Cain killed Able! That crazy shit STARTED here and the natives have turned homicide into a freakin' art form ever since! Some of these locals are crazier than a cat shot in the ass.
Only six months ago and a mile up the road from us, a guy was killed with a damned fryin' pan because he didn't share his bottle of Listerine with his girlfriend. It wasn't about the desire to have fresh breath folks....crazy Gloria was pissed 'cause poor Sammy was hogging the Listerine! These fools were DRINKING the stuff!
Oh.....did I mention the fact that, when they found poor Sammy, (the fryin' pan recipient) he had over two thousand bucks in his pocket? Oh yeah...they were drinking Listerine because they WANTED to drink Listerine!
'Splain THAT if you can!
If I'm lyin', may God strike me dead this moment.
A few years ago, a man was found dead along the Blue Ridge Parkway with a friggin' hay fork in his back. His body was determined by the coroner to have sustained THREE pokes from the aforementioned hay fork before he finally went to his reward.
Oh, sorry, I forgot to add that the death was ruled a SUICIDE!
Again...I ain't making this shit up.
So, now you know why I've got to be careful about telling this TRUE story. Names have been changed to protect the innocent....ME.
Our story begins.....
It all started one night when I was playing solo at a little bar in Banner Elk called The Blues Cafe. In between songs, Franny walked up to the stage looking like a cross between Terry Clark and Shania Twain. I didn't know her from Eve. She was wearing a pair of tight white jeans and a black tank top that left very little to the imagination. Hotter than a two dollar pistol she was! Did I mention she was wearing high heels? Oh dear GOD!She tipped me $50.00 and told me that she "would love to have one of my cd's but a live concert at her home would be even better."
Don't you wish sometimes that life had a "Do Over" button? Dear Lord, if it did, I'd still be pushing that sumbitch over THIS impending fiasco!
I was semi young, single and...did I mention she was freakin' GORGEOUS? So...of course I said....
"I'll be done playing at 2:00 a.m., I'll be ready to go five minutes after that." (playing hard to get just wasn't my strong suit.)
As I began my last set, I couldn't help but notice that a bevy of really nice looking women were literally flowing into the bar. I'm thinking that a freakin' beauty contest had just let out somewhere ! They were everywhere! All shapes, heights, sizes and everyone of them was dressed to kill.
Franny came up to request a song which, much to my chagrine...I didn't know. I offered to play another one she liked so, it worked out.
Before she went back to her table I asked her about all the women because they seemed to know each other and....they damn sure weren't from around here.
"Oh that's just our little club. They're staying at our house this weekend and I thought you might like to play for us a bit."
Now, I'm thinking, "Hell, I'll clean your freakin' house for you darlin'!" but, what I actually said was.
"God loves me you know."
"HE certainly does." she said with a sexy grin.
She sauntered back to her table leaving me damn near breathless.
After the set was done, I walked off the stage and straight into the arms of Franny and her friends. Compliments poured from the painted lips of the babes and I ate it up. I had died and gone to heaven!
Franny bought a round of Goldschlagger for the house, kissed me dead on the lips and told me to follow the ladies back to her house. Of course, I said...
"Franny, I'm sorry...I'm just too tired and my dog Barney is at home waiting for me."
(DAMN I wish I HAD said that!)
What I actually did was almost run to my car vowing to tailgate her Caddy all the way to her house.
During the short drive, visions of debauchery danced in my head as I stayed on her tail as though our bumpers were locked.
At the end of our little journey a set of enormous wrought irons gates opened and I saw Franny's house for the first time. It was a friggin' mansion!
I'll skip the Archetectural Digest description of the home and fast forward to jist of this yarn.
Someone had covered a large table in the vast living room with what HAD to be a pound of pot, lines of Coke, and three jars of what I later found out was Moonshine. Oh dear God....what had I gotten myself into?
Now, I'm no prude but hell, I was 41 years old at the time. Athough I had abused my share of each of those substances and more, I had sworn off everything except for the occasional joint and alcohol. These girls were looking to send me to freakin' rehab!
The first item of business was to engage in a toast which of course, was offerred by Franny. Hoisting a crystal goblet of 'Shine she made her toast.
"Here's to the Double L's and to our new friend Ron!"
The ladies howled in delight and promptly slammed old John Barleycorn as if it were lemonade. I had to hold my breath, resist the urge to hurl, breath through my mouth and fight to keep it down. Moonshine gives me the urge to first puke my guts out then, take my pants off over my head.
Once I recovered my voice, I asked her what the hell was the Double L club.
"Oh....you didn't know? We're from all over the South...we're the Lipstick Lesbians."
I silently took another shot of 'Shine, snorted a line of Coke, fired up a joint and with a straight face said...
"I suppose I ain't gettin' laid after all am I?"
The girls started howling with laughter and taking their clothes off. One of 'em yelled "POOL" and they all ran out of the room giggling like school girls. Leaving me with Franny and another girl (the worst looking one of the whole bunch by the way). Alone.
"Ron, I want you to meet my partner Stephie"
"Nice to meet you." I said, turning on a 100 watt smile. Stephie wasn't buyin' it.
"Fuck you...I didn't ask you here." quite the charmer huh?
"Well, while we're on the subject, why the hell am I here? And watch your language I'm a fuckin' Quaker." I said as I took another hit off the joint I was holding.
I was going straight past horny to increasingly pissed off!
Franny intervened before Frau Sour Puss could answer.
"I told you, I want you to give a private concert for us, you're really quite talented."
Well damn it, she HAD to go drag my ego back from the abyss of being surrounded by gorgeous women I was NOT going to have sex with by stroking the big E like a pet cat! That ain't fightin' fair.
"Look ladies, I appreciate the offer but, I don't live far from here and I can hear my dog barkin' for me so, I'm ought of here. Thanks for the hospitality...except for you Stephie. You I don't like so much."
I started to leave when Stephie said something I'll never forget.
"There's a Thousand bucks in it for you."
Now, I was getting $200.00 a night and tips at the time so I almost choked at her offer but my ego had been bruised, my dreams dashed upon the rocks of homesexuality and I was pissed! After all... what's a man got without his honor? So I took a deep breath and proudly stated....
"Where do you want me to set up?"
Yep, I'm a whore. Bought and paid for.
To Be Continued...
posted by Rantin' Ron | 8:12 PM
12 Comments:
What the hell..with that 1000 bucks you could buy all that you wanted and some men's dream is to jerk off while watching a bunch of good looking slit lickers in action.
Yeah boy...
I changed the title, my wife said it just sounded horrible AND it gave up the story too quickly.
She Must be obeyed.
Enjoying the tag team writing. Good idea.
LMAO. You are so going on my blogroll today. What a story. Can't wait for the ending.
Thanks Darlin'. Ironically, I was just adding a few to my blogroll as well. You're on it now. Not that many people come by yet but it's getting busier thanks to folks like Guyk and you.
Thanks again..I'll finish it asap... my wife needs my help in the yard. Oh the humanity!
ok, i have the popcorn and drpepper..so lets have part 2.....
Ron, you are a consumate story teller and I am waiting with bated breath for the conclusion to this increasingly bizarre tale!
Thanks my friend...yeah, it's a corker all right. The plot shall thicken by tomorrow.
I'm new to blogging. It's become time consuming and addicting. I suppose that, like playing music it's a damned ego thing but it gives me as big a rush to get approving comments than it is to write a song and get applause.
I'm such an atttention whore.
Thanks again Rocky...are you from NC? If so, whereabouts?
Hey Ron, I work out of Mount Airy and live nearby. Are you west of me, way up in the mountains where some family trees don't branch? That would explain the electric beagles alright....
You got it pal...I live at 3900 ft elevation on the back side of Sugar Mountain. Years and years of inbreeding among the locals. Most of the folks are ok but their are some that have the personality of stones and IQ's to match!
As a native of Union,South Carolina I empathize. Man I could tell you some tales that even I don't believe yet they are true.
OOOO, I got a name mention!!! Thanks for the props and you damn tease leaving us hanging like that!
I was half asleep when I got Debbie's email this morning , now I'm reading the story from the begining :)
Brilliant stuff Ron , thanks
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