THE GROUPIE FROM HELL...Part III

Ok...let's review...

When last we joined our tale, Lisa, The Groupie From Hell, had just cold cocked a big old Yankee asshole with a beer mug, George didn't get a chance to truly show his ass, John was being an industrial strength smart ass and I was wishing I was dead.

I was astonished that the old Yankee dude wasn't seriously hurt. I was even more shocked when he and his wife simply threw some cash on the table and left without saying another word.

George looked stunned.

"I'll bet the fucker's gonna sue the piss out of me." he said.

John put his hand on George's shoulder and said.....

"Buddy, you'ins need to hire that Lisa girl as a gotdamn bouncer. Ole Patrick Swayze ain't got shit on that bitch!"

"Fuck you John...Where is she now?" George asked, looking at me.

"I'll be damned if I know but I'm gonna go play.....it's safer back there." I said.

As I entered the back room, I looked around for Lisa and, to my relief, there was no sign of her.

I walked up to the stage, grabbed my guitar and sat down on my stool. Just as I turned the sound system on, John came rushing up to me.

"Man, you ain't gonna believe this shit!"

"What?" I asked.

"That crazy bitch is passed out in the parking lot."

"Well good, maybe she'll leave me the hell alone." I was relieved.

"She's layin' out there on the pavement" John had an evil grin on his face.

"So?" I asked.

"Ron, that ole gal is buck fuckin' nekkid!" he was downright gleeful.

"Did you tell George?" I asked.

John looked at me as if I had lost my mind and said....

"'Course not........I seen her first!"

As insane as John was, I knew he was just kidding, at least I think he was.

"John, go tell George and let him handle it before something happens to her."

John threw his hands up.

"You know....you'ins is messin' up ma love life with all your morals and shit!"

After John left, I looked out over the crowd. The place was packed with maybe a hundred people all having a good time. Some regulars, mostly tourists and all of 'em talking amongst themselves.

Now that things had calmed down, I was feeling pretty good and looking forward to playing a bit.

I leaned into the microphone.

"How are ya'll doing tonight?" I asked.

The audience hooted and hollered.

By way of introduction, I used a well worn line I had delivered a hundred times.........

"My name is Ron and I just want to remind ya'll that, the drunker ya'll get....the better I sound so, do yourselves a favor.......drink up."

As the audience response died down and I was just beginning to play.....disaster struck.

A loud drunken female voice called out.

"Play "Montana" damn it!"

Every head in the place turned to see a completely naked Lisa standing in the side doorway.

The place erupted! Everyone was howling and Lisa began strutting around the room as though it was the most natural act in the world.

"Tell 'em how you wrote that song for ME Ron!" she cackled.

She began staggering towards me and the closer she got, the stronger the urge became to rip my eyes out of their friggin' sockets.

Dear God!

She had boobs that looked like three day old party balloons and the rest of her was no better. Stretch marks coursed like a road atlas all over her and she was a pale as a long dead fish.

I'll never forget it. Damn her to hell!

Someone, bless their soul, covered the abomination with a table cloth. I remember thinking that they were gonna have to burn that damned table cloth afterward.

She was totally out of it now. Head rolling around, drooling and the whole time, she was telling everyone that she was MY girl!

"Get your hands off me, I'm Ron's girl. He's gonna play my song for me! Montana, Montana, Montana GOTDAMN IT!"

Over and over and over again.

Side Note: I had written and often played a song called "In Her Eyes" but, for some damned reason, everyone called it "Montana". Yeah, the song mentioned Montana but still.....I've never understood it.

And another thing....it damned sure wasn't written for THAT crazy bitch!!

Anyway.....

Thankfully, George showed up like the cavalry and whisked Lisa away as the crowd applauded.

I chugged a Kamikazee took a slug of beer, lit a cigarette and addressed the crowd.

"I just want ya'll to know that I don't know that woman from Adam's house cat but, after that display, I'm gonna ask her to marry me. I need another crazy assed ex wife to write songs about."

The set went by without any further crazy shit from Lisa.

When I got through, I found George in the other room and he told me that he had barred her from the bar permanently. I asked him what he had done with her.

"I told her damned friends to haul her ugly ass out of here or I was gonna have her arrested."

"Well, I'm glad that's over with." I said.

"Yeah well, I hated to do that to your girl partner but damn it...this is a business. I can't be playin' favorites just 'cause we're friends."

"Fuck you George."

The remainder of the evening went well and a good time was had by all.

Closing time rolled around and last call was announced. People started settling up tabs and leaving the place as George, John, myself and a few other members of The Golden Liver Club hung out at the bar waiting for the patrons to leave.

The real party always took place AFTER hours and I was busy trying to play up to a cute little brunette who had come in late in the evening.

All of a sudden, there was a series of loud BOOMS!

We turned towards the noise coming from the front door.

To my horror, there was crazy assed Lisa repeatedly pounding on the glass and screaming her head off.

The only good thing about the situation was that someone had gotten some clothes on her.

John couldn't resist.

"Hey Ron....yur ole lady's here to take you'ins home."

The cute little brunette shot my a wary look.

I gave her a goofy grin and said...

"Actually, we're seperated."

Hell, it was no use. This just wasn't my friggin' night.

George had put up with all of her antics that he was going to.

He picked up the phone and called the cops.

While we waited for them to arrive, Lisa kept pounding on the door till her hands began bleeding and blood was smeared all over the glass.

Mustering up my courage and, feeling sorry for her... I went to the door.

"Hey girl, you're bleeding. The cops are coming and you might be able to get out of here before they arrest your crazy ass." I said.

She asked me to open the door so we could talk. She promised she would behave herself.

(Anyone who has followed my stories is aware of the fact that I am, a certified moron so....of course....)

I opened the door just a crack.

She whispered something I couldn't make out.

I leaned forward and heard her say...

"Ron, we could be so good together."

"Lisa, I'm sorry but, I'm seeing someone else." I lied, trying to be nice.

She wasn't buyin' it......at all.

She threw her body against the door, catching me by surprise and staggered into the room screaming a brand new mantra.

"I know what it is!" she hollered "You're a gotdamn faggot!"

"Hey ya'll, did you know Ron's a big old queer?"

John looked over at me and said,

"You'ins never asked me out asshole. You don' find me attractive?"

"Fuck you John." what else was there to say?

George, not to be outdone chimed in.

"All these years and you didn't confide in me? Your best friend? I'm fuckin' hurt dude."

"Fuck you George."

Just about then, thank God, the cops showed up. George filled them in and they grapped her. One on each arm.

As they were hauling her out, she got in one parting shot.

She looked at me and screamed like a wounded animal.

"Why won't you love me? Why won't you love me?" at the top of her lungs.

Damn it....I'd had enough! (And, of course, the cops had her restrained now)

I walked over to her and yelled.

"Cause I'm GAY! BITCH!!"

She looked at me with that hideous gash mouthed grin.

"I KNEW it!" she screamed.

Everyone in the joint howled.

The cops took her away, George locked the door and a about a dozen of us sat there drinking till four in the morning.

Every five minutes or so, some smart ass would look at me sincerely and then shout.....

"Why Won't You Love Me?"

Luckily, I was finally able to convince the little brunette that I wasn't really gay so, the whole night wasn't a complete loss but.....to this day when I see some of my old friends, they will, out of the blue, stop and scream.....

"Why Won't You Love Me?"

All I can ever think to say in response is...

"Fuck You"

Welcome to my world.