The Double L Club And Me....The End!

I seem to be making a career out of this one story!

Some folks like the serial nature of this tale....others, such as the ever delicate JackieSue of Yellowdog Granny fame simply says, "Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck"! Damn that gal can turn a phrase!

Back To The Story....

Ok....there I am being confronted by Stephie as the room begins to fill with Lesbians and Cops. Stephie looks like something the dog puked up. Man, she was no ravin' beauty before this but, she was all to hell now!

She was wearing a ripped up, blood stained white shirt, bloody, soaking wet jeans and had her right arm in one of those air cast contraptions. Her short blonde/gray hair was, as my Granny used to say, all over her head.

Childhood flashback: "Where else should her hair be Granny?" Slap!!

Frannie was screaming at the cops to make Stephie get away from us and leave us alone. US? What the hell? All of a sudden Frannie and I are an US?

The Lesbians were talking all at once about God knows what. Hell, it sounded like one giant hum to me.

The cops were hollering for everyone to quiet down which, of course made things much quieter. Sure it did.

I decided that I had endured all I was going to take.

My plan was simple....I was going to work my way through the crowd, slide behind Stephie (who was standing just inside the door), make it to the hallway and get lost. Sure, I couldn't go home because of the ice and snow but, I sure could get away from these crazy people. At least for a little while.

As I worked my way through the crowd, nobody paid the slightest bit of attention to me. I manuevered behind Stephie and was just entering the hallway when a nuclear weapon detonated, wiping out civilization for miles around.

Ok, you got me. Surely ya'll would have read about a bomb wiping out the ski capitol of North Carolina! So........ I'm lyin'.

What really happened is that an approximately five pound antique lamp from the "Really Heavy Shit" dynasty literally exploded into the back of my, well documented, "fuckin' head".

As I lurched into the hallway, I was amazed that I didn't go down and... I'm damned glad I didn't because, as I spun around, there she stood. The Lesbianator was holding a bent and shattered lamp. She had a terrifying look on her face.

Dear God, she wasn't done with me!

Now, I had never hit a woman in my life but, at this point, alone in the hall with Stephie, I called an impromtu meeting with my morals and they decided to grant me a waiver on this one. If she came near me again, I was gonna drill this crazy bitch right between the eyes with my best shot.

As she began to come at me again, one of the male cops came up behind her and, of course, screamed....

"FREEZE"!!

Does that shit EVER work?

Before the dude could get the "Z" out of his mouth, Stephie hurled the lamp at me.

My hands flew up to guard my face and "fuckin' head" which, in keeping with spirit of the entire evening, was precisley the wrong thing to do.

Have you ever had a five pound antique lamp from the "Really Heavy Shit" dynasty chunked into your shin? Not tossed, thrown, slung or lobbed but CHUNKED?

If Randy Johnson had been witnessing this event, he would have been shamed by this crazy bitches' left handed, low hard one.

Miraculously, all of a sudden, my head no longer hurt a bit. Not even a twinge.

However, the noggin' pain was quickly replaced by a degree of pain I had not experienced since I blew out a knee. Oh Sweet Jesus, make it stop!!

I went to the floor, completely "ass over tea kettle", screaming like a small girl child.

I didn't give a cup full of shit who heard me.

Thankfully, they finally subdued Stephie but no one had managed to shut her up.

"He broke my lamp! He broke my fuckin' lamp!" she screamed.

I took time out of my agony to look up in amazement... just in time to hear Wayne (the idiot cop) say, and I quote....

"Don't worry ma'am, he'll pay for it."

I wanted to get up and kill that little prick but I couldn't imagine even trying to get on my feet just yet. My leg felt like it was broken in two and I was praying that I would pass out till this whole night was over.

Of course, I ain't that lucky.

Two EMS guys came over to check on me. One was checking out the bump on the back of my head while the other guy was turning my leg this way and that to see if, indeed, it was broken. It wasn't.

"We gon haf to get some ice on this thang. You'ins got much pain?" EMS #1 asked.

"Dude...I've got a fuckin' PATENT on pain! You want some?" I said.

He looked at me and chuckled...

"Yeah buddy, I reckon that bad boy IS singin' purty good right now.....look at that thang.... You'ins want a shot?"

"Like a dog wants to lick his balls."

"Are you'ins 'lergic to anything?"

"Other than freakin' unbearable agony? Nope, not a thing. Hit me with your best shit."

To this day, the EMS dude, Ernie, is in my damned will! We exchange friggin' Christmas cards.

Within seconds, I was laid back against the wall asking old Ernie all about his wife and kids. We were almost to the part where he whips out the wallet to show me pictures when..... idiot cop Wayne walks over.

Apparently, morphine doesn't even touch pains in the ass 'cause.....there he was.

"Ron, the owner wants to press charges on all ya'll."

"Why the hell would Franny want to press charges?" I couldn't believe my ears.

He laughed a bit, spit a stream of tobacco into a 16 ounce Mountain Dew bottle he was holding in his right hand.

"She ain't the owner pardner.....SHE is." he pointed a long boney finger down the hall.

Dear God In Heaven!

He was pointing at Stephie.

She was sitting on the floor with a cop on either side of her. One of which was the female cop from Hell.

For the entire insane evening, I had been under the impression that Franny owned the house. Didn't ya'll? She acted like it was her place. She even looked like she owned the joint. Right?

"Son, she can charge you with anything she wants to and we're gonna have to lock you up until you make bail....could be Monday morning till you're out."

Wayne was enjoying the hell out of my predicament.

Stephie was starin' me down like a boxer before a championship bout when I decided to try something.

I made it to my feet with an enormous amount of effort, staggering against the wall. Thankfully, my leg didn't hurt a bit. I've never been a dancer but just then, I could have done a friggin' foxtrot. Hell, I felt great!

Well, I staggered over to Stephie and sat down on the floor beside her.

She was still giving me that Lesbianator stare as she looked at me.....until I said..........

"Stephie, I gotta tell you....I came over here tonight to get laid. Hey...I'm a guy.....it's what we do! Yes, I wanted Frannie but hell, almost any one of you girls would have done. Well... not that short little red head with the nose rings but, pretty much anybody else would have done nicely. I didn't even know you girls were Lesbians and besides Stephie......Franny came on to ME damn it!"

She still had that steely gaze thing going on when she said....

"That's my niece."

"Who's your niece?"

"The red head with the nose rings."

I couldn't believe my sorry luck this night!

"Well....just fuck me to tears Stephie..... if I keep talkin' we just ain't never gonna be friends are we?"

Believe it or not. The Lesbianator started laughing. A little at first but soon, she and I were laughing our asses off. We couldn't quit.

People were looking at us like we were nuts but, we couldn't stop laughing to save our asses.

Finally, Stephie looked at me and said,

"Franny is straight you know." she said.

"Then why the hell is she calling you her partner?"

"Because I want her to be. We've been living together for three months now and she hasn't even let me touch her. All she does is spend my money and tease me. She says she's thinking about it."

She was crying now.

"Thinkin' about what?" I asked.

The pain in her face was real....this poor chick was going through a self inflicted hell and suddenly, I felt bad for her.

"She says that she's thinking about whether she wants to try it or not." she said.

"Try WHAT? Spending all your money? Taking over your house? Flirting with a dumb ass musician? Driving you crazy? Damn woman, she ain't trying shit! She's doing it!" I was on a bonafide rant.

"Stephie, what you oughta do is tell the girl to pack up her Cruise Missile dildo and hit the fuckin' road!"

I swear, she looked at me and starting laughing again.

"Did you SEE that friggin' thing?" she asked.

"See it? Hell, I'll never get that picture out of my head!"

She leaned over and asked me a question that was forever etched in my memory.

"Is your dick that big?"

"Damn girl, I don't think my dick is as big as the fuckin' battery that runs that sumbitch!"

She fell over into my arms laughing like crazy. We were both laughing our fool heads off.

Since no one could go ANYWHERE till morning, we ALL stayed there that night.

The cops decided it was best if everyone retired for the rest of the night.

It was somewhere around 4:00 am and the cop in charge said that there would not be a snow plow clearing the road until at least nine o'clock or so....we might as well relax.

As per usual that night, the cops didn't run anything but their mouths!

What proceeded was the damndest party I've ever seen!

The cops and EMS staff were shown to the guest house where they promptly crashed I suppose.

Frannie stayed in her room, never to be seen again while Stephie, me and twenty Lipstick Lesbians spent the rest of the night with me playing guitar and everyone drinkin', snortin', smokin' and bitchin' about how women will screw you everytime.

After the snow plow came and cleared the road, I was heading out to my car when Stephie yelled at me.

I put my guitar in the car, started the engine and climbed back out.

Stephie reached out to shake my hand. I did the same and she passed me a wad of bills.

"Well, I wasn't expecting to get paid but....I'd say I earned it."

She grinned at me and said....

"I'm sending Franny and her Cruise Missile down the hill. I thought about what you said and I'm tired of her shit. I figure you saved me a lot of money and well, I was pretty hard on you."

She gave me a big hug after which, I climbed in the car and headed back down the mountain. It wasn't until I got home that I counted the money she gave me.

There were fifteen one hundred dollar bills and Stephie's business card with a note on the back.

It read........"Call me".

Good Lord....kill me now!!

Thankfully, I never saw her or The Lipstick Lesbians again.