The Double L Club And Me....Part IV
The Plot thickens....
As we left our hero...ME...I was lying face down on a sheet of ice and snow in the middle of a Lesbian couple's driveway with six pistols aimed at my "fuckin' head". (I must actually possess a "fuckin' head" because, every single cop on the scene said so.....REPEATEDLY!)
Stephie was lying on the ice, whimpering like a puppy while repeating over and over again.
"Don't let him kill me. He tried to kill me."
As I lay on a solid sheet of ice wondering how I got myself into this pathetic situation, I heard Franny's voice calling out in the cold mountain night."Don't shoot, don't shoot!!"
Franny stood between my prostrate body and the police while continously screaming at them to not kill me. Believe me, the gesture was greatly appreciated even though, I blamed her for every damned bit of this crazy shit.
Things calmed down a bit from there as the cops carefully approached the scene. The EMS types tended to Stephie as I was frisked, cuffed and told to get on my feet. With a great deal of effort, given the ice on the driveway and, of course, the additional degree of difficulty introduced into the equation by having my hands shackled behind my back, I finally made it to an upright position. (If a fella's lucky he don't get to practice that shit very often).
Suddenly, twenty or so Lesbians flocked to the scene, each one telling the cops that I was innocent of any wrong doing. Five of the cops relaxed a bit. One of them however, a female officer still had her stainless steel pistol trained steadily on what I had recently come to realize was, of course,..... my "fuckin' head".
Like a card carrying dumbass, I asked the big cop holding onto my right bicep, something like,....
"Hey dude, would you ask the lady to point that pistol somewhere else?"
Holy Shiite Muslim! You would have thought I'd said something more like.
"Would you tell that bitch to put down the gun?"
She moved towards me, pistol still trained on my "fuckin' head", screaming at the top of her lungs.
"I am a Law Enforcement Officer!!"
"Yes ma'am, I ain't real bright but even I picked up on that." I said.
"I'm a victim of domestic abuse ASSHOLE and I'd just as soon shoot you as take you in so, you better remember that!"
"Yes ma'am....I can remember that." Hell, she looked like she WANTED to shoot me!
"Officer!!" she screamed, scaring the bejeesus out of me. Her pistol was a foot from my forehead and the barrel looked as big as Hillary Clinton's ass!
I heard her scream "Officer" of course. After all, she was damned near inside my shirt but,..... I thought she was hailing another cop! So.......... I just stood there watching the hole at the end of her pistol getting larger by the freakin' second.
"I said "OFFICER ASSHOLE"!! she screamed.
I thought my head would explode before she even pulled the trigger. Damn......that woman could have won a hog callin' contest with a sore throat! She was LOUD.
Suddenly, I realized she meant that I was supposed to call her "Officer" and cut out the "ma'am" shit. BUT...being the consumate smartass.....I looked towards the group of cops behind her and said.......
"Hey guys....she's callin' ya'll"
Do I need to tell ya'll that this was NOT what she wanted to hear?
She reached around me, grabbed a handful of my longish hair and led me to the backseat of a cruiser. As she was closing the door, she gave a look that would have killed a lesser man.
"It's a long way to the station asshole, you could still get shot."
Now damn it...I can understand her hating me because she believed that I was a woman beater and, to be honest, it DID look bad to someone just arriving on the scene but I was getting really pissed off.
Having lived in this close knit, tiny community for years, I was invisioning the headlines to come in the little, twice a week, newspaper.
"Ron (no last name needed in a town of 800) Arrested For Battery On A Female"
"Local Musician Arrested At Homosexual Sex Party"
"Who Knew Ron Was A Lesbian Battering Monster?"
You know...great shit for your Mom's scrap book.
After ten minutes or so, one of the male cops opened the door and told me to get out of the car. He spun me around gently and removed the cuffs. Just like every cop show you've ever seen, I immediatly began massaging my wrists. Must be human nature like yawning when someone else does so.
Anyhow.....
The big cop told me that the girls had all sworn that I was NOT a woman abuser and that Stephie had started all the trouble. Talk about relief!
Great relief.... UNTIL the next words came out of his mouth.
"Sir, let's get you inside and talk about this a bit. We need your statement."
"Sure officer, no problem." I said.
As we made our way to the front door, I could see the ambulance carrying Stephie beginning to pull back down the driveway. All I could think of was that we were going into a house virtually filled with drugs and illegal liquor!
Well, I thought, at least I'd be going to jail as moonshine drinkin', drug abusing common criminal and NOT an abuser of women. Around these parts, that's a pretty typical Friday night police blotter entry.
I could deal with THAT.
Upon arriving into the living room, I almost passed out with relief. Apparently, when the Double L girls scattered earlier, they had set a land speed record for house cleaning. The place looked as though it was set up for a Sunday afternoon tea party with attractive young ladies sitting before a roaring fire. To a woman, they were fully dressed, perfectly coiffed, sipping coffee and acting as though nothing was wrong. (yes.....I did have to spell check "coiffed".)
Like the idiot I am, I remember thinking....
"Everything's gonna be alright!"
Just about that time, a cop I knew quite well come into the living room. He was, shall we say, named "Wayne". Now Wayne was in his mid 20's, skinny as a rail, a local guy, born and bred....or,... should I say, "inbred"? He made Barney Fife look like Clint friggin' Eastwood!
Suddenly, things didn't look so promising after all.
"Hey Ron....got a little party goin' on here do you?"
"No Wayne, it's a reading club"
"Don't get shitty with me man!"
"Wayne...don't make me tell your Chief about the gun thing." I said.
Side Note: Wayne was hanging out at a bar I played at in Banner Elk, while on duty. The place was packed to the walls with ski tourists and Wayne was showing off his brand new pistol to a group of waitresses when, suddenly, the damn thing flew apart! Pieces of the pistol flew all over the darkened main room.
To this day, some of us who were there at the time call that experience, "Wayne's Baretta Crawl". He NEVER lived down that night and was pissed at anyone who had seen him crawling desperately on his hands and knees trying to put his gun back together while screaming at the top of his lungs.......
"Turn up the lights....I'm a Police officer!!"
However, I digress AGAIN.........Damn....I'm NEVER gonna get this thing told!
Wayne was just about to say something when a set of double doors on the right side of the room flew open. A tall man in a uniform came staggering into the room. He had blood running down his face and was limping badly.
"Call 9-11!!" he yelled.
I looked at Wayne and said........
"Wayne.....I thought you guys WERE 9-11. Ain't he an EMS guy?"
Wayne shot me an angry look and said, "Stay here, I'll be right back."
Again...........I ain't making this up folks..........
The ambulance had gone over a twenty foot drop after losing control on an icy curve going back down the mountain. Apparently, no one was seriously hurt but the ambulance was lying on it's top with Stephie trapped inside screaming her damned fool head off.
Wayne came trotting over and said, "Don't go anywhere...I'll be back."
"Jeez Wayne, a mountain ambulance just crashed...where the hell do you think I'm goin' in my damned Toyota? I'll be right here when you get back."
Once he left, I wandered over to the bar where Franny was seated. She was speaking with a cute litte blonde who promptly left as I walked up.
"I think everything has settle down now." she said.
"Damn girl, you call THIS "settled down?"
"Oh, it'll be alright. Trust me." she smiled at me and reached across the bar to hold my hand.
"You know....all this shit is YOUR fault Franny. How the hell did I get mixed up in all this?" I asked.
"You know why Ron....Why don't you come with me a minute? I want to show you something."
I KNEW that I should ignore her. I felt it in my bones but....unfortunately, the only bone that mattered just then happened to have a head and one unflinching eye!
Naturally, I followed her narrow, well proportioned ass as she slowly walked up an immense rustic log staircase to the second floor.
Reaching the landing, I followed the previously mentioned backside down a long hallway lighted with antique gas lamps. It was actually pretty cool looking but....I don't know...strange.
She opened the door to a bedroom that was as large as the entire ground floor of my house! That sumbitch must have been 1500 square feet!
She turned and kissed me AGAIN! Now damn it, I wasn't well versed on the rules of homosexuality (still ain't) but..... I'm pretty sure that kissing a dude is a no-no for a Lesbian. Call me naive.
After she kissed me, she gave me a sexy grin and said....
"I'm not really a Lesbian you know......look at this."
With that, she reached into the drawer of an ornate nightstand and whipped out an object I shall never be able to forget.
As a Navy veteran, I had seen a Cruise Missle before but, never once had I seen a hand held model in the hands of a beautiful woman!
She began rubbing that monster against her cheeks....both sets.
"You know, we could have some fun while Stephie is gone." she purred.
I looked at her then...... I looked at the Cruise Missile and said.
"Lady, it's no wonder you gave up on men! I've been in hundreds of locker rooms, seen dozens of porno flicks and I've seen myself in the mirror a million times....if that's what you need to get off, I'll just sit back and watch!"
She laughed at started to unbutton her blouse.
She removed her shirt, revealing a black bra and a set of "more-than-ample" boobs. (my tribute to JuneBug)
Before anything else could take place, I heard someone storming down the hallway outside the bedroom door.
Suddenly, the door flew open and there stood Stephie.
Son of a bitch!! The woman was like the friggin' Terminator! She WOULD NOT die.
This broad had broken an arm, survived an ambulance crash and yet, somehow, here she was standing there swaying back and forth screaming at the top of her lungs!
"I'm gonna kill both of you bitches!"
I remember thinking, "Again with the "bitch" thing?... What the hell am I doing wrong? I'm a "bastard" damn it!"
Franny screamed.....hell, maybe it was me, maybe I AM a "bitch"...I don't know but, I do know that suddenly, all hell broke loose!
The room became filled with Lesbians, three or four cops and, of course...ME. Damn it all to hell!
I'm dreading this but.....sorry folks..........it's damn near one a.m. and I've tried like hell to finish this but...it ain't gonna happen tonight. Sorry. More to come tomorrow.
To Be Continued...........
As we left our hero...ME...I was lying face down on a sheet of ice and snow in the middle of a Lesbian couple's driveway with six pistols aimed at my "fuckin' head". (I must actually possess a "fuckin' head" because, every single cop on the scene said so.....REPEATEDLY!)
Stephie was lying on the ice, whimpering like a puppy while repeating over and over again.
"Don't let him kill me. He tried to kill me."
As I lay on a solid sheet of ice wondering how I got myself into this pathetic situation, I heard Franny's voice calling out in the cold mountain night."Don't shoot, don't shoot!!"
Franny stood between my prostrate body and the police while continously screaming at them to not kill me. Believe me, the gesture was greatly appreciated even though, I blamed her for every damned bit of this crazy shit.
Things calmed down a bit from there as the cops carefully approached the scene. The EMS types tended to Stephie as I was frisked, cuffed and told to get on my feet. With a great deal of effort, given the ice on the driveway and, of course, the additional degree of difficulty introduced into the equation by having my hands shackled behind my back, I finally made it to an upright position. (If a fella's lucky he don't get to practice that shit very often).
Suddenly, twenty or so Lesbians flocked to the scene, each one telling the cops that I was innocent of any wrong doing. Five of the cops relaxed a bit. One of them however, a female officer still had her stainless steel pistol trained steadily on what I had recently come to realize was, of course,..... my "fuckin' head".
Like a card carrying dumbass, I asked the big cop holding onto my right bicep, something like,....
"Hey dude, would you ask the lady to point that pistol somewhere else?"
Holy Shiite Muslim! You would have thought I'd said something more like.
"Would you tell that bitch to put down the gun?"
She moved towards me, pistol still trained on my "fuckin' head", screaming at the top of her lungs.
"I am a Law Enforcement Officer!!"
"Yes ma'am, I ain't real bright but even I picked up on that." I said.
"I'm a victim of domestic abuse ASSHOLE and I'd just as soon shoot you as take you in so, you better remember that!"
"Yes ma'am....I can remember that." Hell, she looked like she WANTED to shoot me!
"Officer!!" she screamed, scaring the bejeesus out of me. Her pistol was a foot from my forehead and the barrel looked as big as Hillary Clinton's ass!
I heard her scream "Officer" of course. After all, she was damned near inside my shirt but,..... I thought she was hailing another cop! So.......... I just stood there watching the hole at the end of her pistol getting larger by the freakin' second.
"I said "OFFICER ASSHOLE"!! she screamed.
I thought my head would explode before she even pulled the trigger. Damn......that woman could have won a hog callin' contest with a sore throat! She was LOUD.
Suddenly, I realized she meant that I was supposed to call her "Officer" and cut out the "ma'am" shit. BUT...being the consumate smartass.....I looked towards the group of cops behind her and said.......
"Hey guys....she's callin' ya'll"
Do I need to tell ya'll that this was NOT what she wanted to hear?
She reached around me, grabbed a handful of my longish hair and led me to the backseat of a cruiser. As she was closing the door, she gave a look that would have killed a lesser man.
"It's a long way to the station asshole, you could still get shot."
Now damn it...I can understand her hating me because she believed that I was a woman beater and, to be honest, it DID look bad to someone just arriving on the scene but I was getting really pissed off.
Having lived in this close knit, tiny community for years, I was invisioning the headlines to come in the little, twice a week, newspaper.
"Ron (no last name needed in a town of 800) Arrested For Battery On A Female"
"Local Musician Arrested At Homosexual Sex Party"
"Who Knew Ron Was A Lesbian Battering Monster?"
You know...great shit for your Mom's scrap book.
After ten minutes or so, one of the male cops opened the door and told me to get out of the car. He spun me around gently and removed the cuffs. Just like every cop show you've ever seen, I immediatly began massaging my wrists. Must be human nature like yawning when someone else does so.
Anyhow.....
The big cop told me that the girls had all sworn that I was NOT a woman abuser and that Stephie had started all the trouble. Talk about relief!
Great relief.... UNTIL the next words came out of his mouth.
"Sir, let's get you inside and talk about this a bit. We need your statement."
"Sure officer, no problem." I said.
As we made our way to the front door, I could see the ambulance carrying Stephie beginning to pull back down the driveway. All I could think of was that we were going into a house virtually filled with drugs and illegal liquor!
Well, I thought, at least I'd be going to jail as moonshine drinkin', drug abusing common criminal and NOT an abuser of women. Around these parts, that's a pretty typical Friday night police blotter entry.
I could deal with THAT.
Upon arriving into the living room, I almost passed out with relief. Apparently, when the Double L girls scattered earlier, they had set a land speed record for house cleaning. The place looked as though it was set up for a Sunday afternoon tea party with attractive young ladies sitting before a roaring fire. To a woman, they were fully dressed, perfectly coiffed, sipping coffee and acting as though nothing was wrong. (yes.....I did have to spell check "coiffed".)
Like the idiot I am, I remember thinking....
"Everything's gonna be alright!"
Just about that time, a cop I knew quite well come into the living room. He was, shall we say, named "Wayne". Now Wayne was in his mid 20's, skinny as a rail, a local guy, born and bred....or,... should I say, "inbred"? He made Barney Fife look like Clint friggin' Eastwood!
Suddenly, things didn't look so promising after all.
"Hey Ron....got a little party goin' on here do you?"
"No Wayne, it's a reading club"
"Don't get shitty with me man!"
"Wayne...don't make me tell your Chief about the gun thing." I said.
Side Note: Wayne was hanging out at a bar I played at in Banner Elk, while on duty. The place was packed to the walls with ski tourists and Wayne was showing off his brand new pistol to a group of waitresses when, suddenly, the damn thing flew apart! Pieces of the pistol flew all over the darkened main room.
To this day, some of us who were there at the time call that experience, "Wayne's Baretta Crawl". He NEVER lived down that night and was pissed at anyone who had seen him crawling desperately on his hands and knees trying to put his gun back together while screaming at the top of his lungs.......
"Turn up the lights....I'm a Police officer!!"
However, I digress AGAIN.........Damn....I'm NEVER gonna get this thing told!
Wayne was just about to say something when a set of double doors on the right side of the room flew open. A tall man in a uniform came staggering into the room. He had blood running down his face and was limping badly.
"Call 9-11!!" he yelled.
I looked at Wayne and said........
"Wayne.....I thought you guys WERE 9-11. Ain't he an EMS guy?"
Wayne shot me an angry look and said, "Stay here, I'll be right back."
Again...........I ain't making this up folks..........
The ambulance had gone over a twenty foot drop after losing control on an icy curve going back down the mountain. Apparently, no one was seriously hurt but the ambulance was lying on it's top with Stephie trapped inside screaming her damned fool head off.
Wayne came trotting over and said, "Don't go anywhere...I'll be back."
"Jeez Wayne, a mountain ambulance just crashed...where the hell do you think I'm goin' in my damned Toyota? I'll be right here when you get back."
Once he left, I wandered over to the bar where Franny was seated. She was speaking with a cute litte blonde who promptly left as I walked up.
"I think everything has settle down now." she said.
"Damn girl, you call THIS "settled down?"
"Oh, it'll be alright. Trust me." she smiled at me and reached across the bar to hold my hand.
"You know....all this shit is YOUR fault Franny. How the hell did I get mixed up in all this?" I asked.
"You know why Ron....Why don't you come with me a minute? I want to show you something."
I KNEW that I should ignore her. I felt it in my bones but....unfortunately, the only bone that mattered just then happened to have a head and one unflinching eye!
Naturally, I followed her narrow, well proportioned ass as she slowly walked up an immense rustic log staircase to the second floor.
Reaching the landing, I followed the previously mentioned backside down a long hallway lighted with antique gas lamps. It was actually pretty cool looking but....I don't know...strange.
She opened the door to a bedroom that was as large as the entire ground floor of my house! That sumbitch must have been 1500 square feet!
She turned and kissed me AGAIN! Now damn it, I wasn't well versed on the rules of homosexuality (still ain't) but..... I'm pretty sure that kissing a dude is a no-no for a Lesbian. Call me naive.
After she kissed me, she gave me a sexy grin and said....
"I'm not really a Lesbian you know......look at this."
With that, she reached into the drawer of an ornate nightstand and whipped out an object I shall never be able to forget.
As a Navy veteran, I had seen a Cruise Missle before but, never once had I seen a hand held model in the hands of a beautiful woman!
She began rubbing that monster against her cheeks....both sets.
"You know, we could have some fun while Stephie is gone." she purred.
I looked at her then...... I looked at the Cruise Missile and said.
"Lady, it's no wonder you gave up on men! I've been in hundreds of locker rooms, seen dozens of porno flicks and I've seen myself in the mirror a million times....if that's what you need to get off, I'll just sit back and watch!"
She laughed at started to unbutton her blouse.
She removed her shirt, revealing a black bra and a set of "more-than-ample" boobs. (my tribute to JuneBug)
Before anything else could take place, I heard someone storming down the hallway outside the bedroom door.
Suddenly, the door flew open and there stood Stephie.
Son of a bitch!! The woman was like the friggin' Terminator! She WOULD NOT die.
This broad had broken an arm, survived an ambulance crash and yet, somehow, here she was standing there swaying back and forth screaming at the top of her lungs!
"I'm gonna kill both of you bitches!"
I remember thinking, "Again with the "bitch" thing?... What the hell am I doing wrong? I'm a "bastard" damn it!"
Franny screamed.....hell, maybe it was me, maybe I AM a "bitch"...I don't know but, I do know that suddenly, all hell broke loose!
The room became filled with Lesbians, three or four cops and, of course...ME. Damn it all to hell!
I'm dreading this but.....sorry folks..........it's damn near one a.m. and I've tried like hell to finish this but...it ain't gonna happen tonight. Sorry. More to come tomorrow.
To Be Continued...........
posted by Rantin' Ron | 3:19 PM
11 Comments:
I stayed up way too late, but I just had to read this tonight! I'm in the livingroom, trying NOT to laugh out loud since hubby has already retired. The worst part is I'll probably make it to bed and then start laughing. Oh, well, that will just reinforce his belief that he married a crazy woman.
you are leaving us hangin again????
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hey, next time you decide to party give me a call. I'll bring the video camera and we'll both get rich!
fuckity fuck fuck fuck.....
Yes damn it...I'm leaving ya'll hanging AGAIN! Sorry but, everytime I start writing it, I remember some new detail and...well, you know! Sorry Hoosier.
Rocky...you had ME laughing at the thought of your husband giving you an RCA victor dog look for laughing in bed.
Keeper!! Thanks, great to see you again. Have you heard from Teresa?
JuneBug...great idea but, I don't usually party quite that hearty anymore. One of these days I'll tell the tale of my first "Hillbilly" party up here!
Jac....bite my ass! You have the shortest and best emails I have EVER received. LOL. What a treasure.
Thanks ya'll.
Anyone know how I can block Anonymous comments?
Go to your Blogger panel and turn on the varification hickey do dad thingy.
Hell, this is getting better than Sex in the City on HBO..looks like a good plot for a high class porn movie..you got the screen play written yet?
Screen play? Hell I can't seem to finish THIS version of it. LOL.
Junebug, thanks I've gotten a few spam comments.
Keeper, let me know if you do hear from Teresa she seems like such a nice lady.
I PROMISE I'm not trying to stretch this yarn out, I just keep recalling wierd details like the "Wayne" cop and, it gets longer.
I'm glad I'm doing this especially since ya'll are enjoying my wierd life stories. I'm flattered and it's helping me recall them for my "golden years".
I'm going to try and finish this puppy... tonight and tomorrow should do it.
Everyone in NC knows someone in the mountains named Wayne. lol
I was going to add, I wonder if they're all related?, but thats a silly question... :)
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