The Double L Club And Me....Part III

For those of you who may have just stumbled across this blog thanks to blogging stalwarts such as Guyk, Libby, Straight White Guy, Yellowdog Granny and more, I feel compelled to tell you that this is one wierd tale which has been told in chapters. Not intentionally but, hell, life gets in the way and I couldn't finish promptly. So sue me......

Having said THAT...check out the first two installments of "The Double L Club and Me" before reading this one. I would say it will help to make sense of it but.....the truth is it will NEVER make any sense!

Now.....BACK TO THE STORY!

You may recall the words Stephie screamed when last we joined this bizarre tale.

"You fucking bastard...I'm gonna make you my BITCH! Franny's MINE!!"

I pondered that statement for a few seconds while she writhed in pain on the ice.

First, she calls me a bastard and within a fraction of of second, I'm going to be her BITCH? Just how the hell does THAT work? Must be some kind of Lesbian, gender confusion deal but, I distinctly remember trying like crazy to get my puny mind around it.

Suddenly, Franny comes running up screaming at the top of her lungs followed by, oh hell, I don't know.... a dozen or so scantily clad Lesbians who were ALSO screaming like the hounds of hell.

I thought I was gonna be the only man in the history of the world to be lynched by a homosexual mob.

Frankly, I wasn't exactly fired up by the prospect. Call me crazy but........what the hell would my family think?

Much to my surprise and everlasting gratitude, the women were going postal on ole Stephie NOT me!

There IS a God!!!

The scene before me was something out of a friggin' low budget B movie. Half naked women on an icy driveway trying to drop kick another woman with a broken arm through the goal posts of life! Drugs and alcohol aside....this was, what I would call, a surreal occurence in the grand scheme of things.

Now, I'm no hero, but they were kicking the livin' shit out of poor, defenseless Stephie! So.......of course, I went to the rescue of the broken armed Lesbian damsel in distress.

Of course I did.

SIDE NOTE:

Have I mentioned that I've been tested SEVERAL times?

Turns out, I'm a freakin' MORON!!

I digress.........

As I was trying to pull the half naked women off of Stephie, I felt a sudden change in the whole wierd situation....they started attacking ME!

Have you ever heard the phrase, "No good turn goes unpunished?". Well..... it's true.

I was clawed, spit on, punched in the mouth and bitten... TWICE as I tried to save Stephie from being stomped to death and attempting to calm everyone down.

Finally....I miraculously got the girls settled down by the sheer force of my masculinity.

Ok, Ok, damn it.....I'm lyin' like a dog......

What ACTUALLY happened was that THREE police cars AND an ambulance slid to a stop not twenty feet from us. They came in with sirens wailing, lights flashing and spot lights blinding anyone with the capability of sight within half a mile.

Just in the nick of time!

Those girls were, to say the least, kicking my ass!

One of the cops must have had a bullhorn or loudspeaker into which he screamed....and, again folks...

I Ain't Makin' This Up..........

"FREEZE"!!! (just like on TV)

Naturally, not ONE freakin' human being actually FROZE! That shit must only work on TV because, immediatly upon hearing the word "FREEZE", Lipstick Lesbians went running all over the place.

The cop might have well as said, "Run your asses off and DO NOT stay here for questioning!"

Suddenly, I'm standing there, freezing my ass off both literally AND figuratively..... ALONE except for a beaten up, whimpering woman lying at my feet!

This could NOT have looked good to the cops.

The only sounds I heard was police radios crackling in the night, faint sounds of half naked, disappearing women squealing and giggling AND......just to add an air of "I'm Totally Fucked" to the situation....a pathetic, injured, drunk and drugged Lesbian saying over and over again.........

"Don't let him kill me. He tried to kill me."

Oddly enough....go figure....one of the officers just happened to mention that he would promptly.......how did he put it? Oh yeah, now I remember......

"BLOW MY FUCKIN' BRAINS OUT if I didn't get face FUCKING down on the ground!!"

SIDE NOTE: If you check out the Guiness Book of World Records, you'll find that I STILL hold the record for "getting face fucking down on the ground".

So.....I've got THAT going for me.

As I lay on a solid sheet of ice wondering how I got myself into this pathetic situation, I heard Franny's voice calling out in the cold mountain night.

"Don't shoot, don't shoot!!"

To Be Continued.....sorry ya'll.

I've actually got to go to the office tomorrow morning so.....I've gotta cut this short. Hell, this damn story doesn't seem to end but I'll try and wrap it up tomorrow.

Hey........it could happen.