Carl's Corner...The End...For Now!

In the last installment of this story, Tony had me howling as he fixated on David’s malodorous demise. Elizabeth and Josef were, apparently, still at her place making the beast with two backs and people were back at Carl’s as though no one had been killed the night before.

Back To The Tale……..

Thankfully, Tony finally shut the hell up and left to order something to eat. Patsy and I were sitting at the bar when Dex came walking in. She and I looked at each other in disbelief; I don’t think either of us expected to see him back tonight.

He sat beside Patsy and ordered a drink.

“How you doin’ Dex?” I asked.

He looked at me and then at Patsy. There was a strange look on his face and as he started say something, he buried his face in his hands and his shoulder began shaking. Patsy reached over and put her right arm around him. He continued like that for a few seconds. Just then, Carla placed his drink on the bar in front of him. Immediately, he straightened up and broke into a big smile.

“Damn!” he shouted. “I didn’t think that drink would EVER get here!”

Patsy, Carla and I laughed.

“You’re an asshole!” Patsy said as she slapped him in the back of the head.

“Well, I’m glad to see you’re ok.” I said sarcastically.

“Why the hell shouldn’t I be?” he asked. “If you’re waiting on me to get all torn up over waxing that fuckin’ prick, you’ll be waiting on that AND your retirement checks at the same time.”

I just shook my head in disbelief.

“Man, you are one cold sumbitch.” I laughed. “How did you sleep last night?”

“I slept like a friggin’ baby on Valium.” He chuckled. “How ‘bout ya’ll?”

“Actually, once I got home, I slept just fine but, then again, I didn’t kill somebody.” I laughed.

“Shit, I didn’t kill anybody either.” He snarled. “I put a mothefucker out of everybody’s misery. He was a piece of shit that tried to shoot Liz and he’d been bleedin’ her dry for years! My only regret is that I didn’t think to empty the clip in his sorry ass!”

“You don’t even feel a little bit bad?” Patsy asked.

He seemed to rack his brain a bit. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders and grinned.

“Nope, only that whole ‘emptying the clip into his sorry ass’ thing.” He said.

“Have I mentioned that you are one cold sumbitch?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think I caught that.” He chuckled.

I decided it was time to take a spin around the place before we started playing.

“Gotta go check on things.” I said.

I headed back to the kitchen to see if Allan had cut his arm off or something. As I started back that way I heard a commotion and turned to see six or seven people walk through the front door. They were led by a tall, skinny guy with short red hair who was talking loudly.

“Allright!” he shouted. “Wake up everybody, I’m here now...let's party!”

Suddenly a LOUD horn sounded damn near deafening everyone in the place. He was holding an air horn like you would see at a football game high in his right hand.

I started to walk over and tell him to leave the air horn outside but, everyone was laughing good naturedly so…I kept walking to the kitchen.

The air horn sounded again, this time for at least three seconds.

Again, I let it pass. Hell, this wasn’t exactly a country club after all.

Before I could reach the kitchen, the horn sounded yet AGAIN. This time, the asshole held down the button for damned near thirty seconds.

Ok….that’s it! I didn’t give a shit who thought it was funny, I was gonna have a talk with that guy.

I hurried back to the main room just as he let loose with another, longer blast which continued until I had reached the spot where he was standing. He was just in front of the pool room when I stood in front of him and motioned for him to knock it off by slashing my hand across my throat several times.

He stopped.

“Do us all a favor and stop with the horn please.” I said calmly. “It was funny the first time but, put it away man.”

He looked me up and down.

“Who the hell are you?” He asked.

I offered my hand and he took it warily.

“I’m Ron and, fuck me to tears; I’m the new manager here.” I said.

He laughed.

“Nice to meet you Ron, I’m Eddie Snow.” He said. “I heard old Liz had hired some poor dumbass to run this place.”

He turned and looked at the crowd he’d come in with and grinned.

I could feel my blood pressure spike but…again....I tried to be polite. I had seen this type of jerk before or, at least I thought I had and I didn’t want to encourage this moron.

“Yeah well, she couldn’t come to terms with the dumbass so…she hired me instead…..I’m the only one who would take the job.” I laughed.

“All right!” he said. “This guy’s funny.” Again, he was grinning and playing to his audience.

Again, he looked at his little group of friends. He then reached in his pocket and pulled out a big wad of bills from which, he peeled off a twenty dollar bill and offered it to me.

“Ok Mr. Manager..why don't you run along and manage something.” He smirked.

Lord I wanted to deck this moron but….I held my temper.

“Mr. Snow, I don’t want your money.” I began politely.

Before I could finish, he peeled off another twenty and again, offered it to me.

“Is this enough for you to get out of my fuckin’ face and leave us the hell alone?” he asked.

I’m a nice guy but hell, I’m only human.

I slapped his hand away hard....the money went flying.

“Hey dude…I’m just messing with you!” he shouted while rubbing his hand.

He bent down, swept the cash off the floor and stood up. He was rubbing his wrist.

“Damn man, I’m just tryin’ to have some fun with you big man!” he smiled at me. “C’mon dude, let’s kiss and make up!”

He puckered his lips looking incredibly stupid.

“Just behave yourself." I said. “Spend a lot of money but don’t make a lot of noise.”

“YES SIR!” he said as he rendered a sarcastic salute.

I considered telling him to get the hell out but, going against my instincts, I didn’t.

“Remember what I said Mr. Snow. Behave yourself.” I warned him.

Again, he gave the same silly salute.

“YES SIR Mr. Ron!!” he shouted.

I just shook my head and turned to walk away.

“Hey Mr. Manager!” he shouted.

I turned around.

“Where’s Elizabeth?” he asked.

“I couldn’t tell you but, she’ll probably be here later.” I told him.

“I sure hope she does show up, I’m gonna have a word with her.” He grinned. “She ain’t gonna like the way you’re treatin’ me.”

“Listen Mr. Snow, I really don’t give a shit what you tell Elizabeth. Just behave yourself and we’ll get along fine.” I was fed up with this prick already.

“Yes sir Mr. Ron.” Again, he threw up his hand in a Gomer Pyle salute.

Again, I turned and walked a few steps.

“Oh Mr. Ron?” he called to me.

“What Mr. Snow?” I asked.

“How far you reckon you’d have gone if I hadn’t called you back?” He laughed as though no one had ever said it before.

I walked back to him.

“Mr. Snow, you have two choices. Go about your business and don’t involve me in it again or leave right now.” I warned.

He started to say something but, I held my hand up.

“Nope, not one more word to me or about me. Are we clear on that?” I asked. “Don’t talk, just nod your head. Not one word.”

To his credit, the moron did just as I ordered. He nodded.

“Ok, life is good again. Go have fun but, behave yourself.” I said.

He turned and walked back to the pool room but not before he muttered something under his breath. I just shook my head and kept walking.

I made my tour of the place then I went to find Tony. He was sitting at a table talking to a cute well tanned little brunette who was wearing a pink halter top.

“Are you ready to pick a few?” I asked.

“Sure but, I need to talk to you outside for a minute.” He said.

“What about?” I asked.

“Just trust me.” He grinned.

He told the young lady that he’d be right back and we walked outside. He kept walking till we reached the side of the building which opened into a small dirt lot with all manner of discarded items strewn about. Tires, an old porch swing, numerous old signs from long ago defunct businesses and, incredibly, the tail section of a helicopter.

I’d never been behind the place before then and made a mental note to have someone haul that crap off.

I pointed to the tail section.

“Where did you land the rest of it?” I asked.

“Funny.” He grunted. “You wanna do a bump?”

I never really did much cocaine. Well, for a normal person, I guess I did a shit load of it in my time but, luckily, never got hooked. I was one of those people who rarely, if ever, actually paid for it but, being around a lot of folks who were into it big time, I did more than my share I suppose.

Ok damn it! I guess I did quite a bit.

Shut up about it already!

Anyway, we tooted a couple of lines and smoked a joint. By the time we hit the front door, I was feeling ready! Ready to play some music, wash dishes, clean tables, work the bar and mop the floors…all at the same time!

Tony went over to talk to the object of his affection for the evening. I went to the bar where I ordered a beer AND a Kamikazi.

Side Note: As I write this stuff, it amazes me how bad my substance abuse in the old days sounds but, honestly, I don’t think anyone can say they ever saw me out of control or drunk. Buzzed, happy, silly, ready to go home and lie down at times….yes, but never ‘out of it’ but…there were times when I KNOW without a doubt that I snorted, smoked and drank enough to kill a friggin’ elephant! I’m not proud of it, but it’s the God’s honest truth. I just had a huge capacity and a strong constitution I guess. Of course, I was also ten foot tall and bullet proof back ‘in the day’……or thought I was.

Back to the tale…………..

As anyone knows who has done cocaine, the buzz doesn’t last long but, you never know exactly how intense the reaction will be, and I just remember that I was fired up even after smoking the joint so….I downed the Kamikazi.

Sorry, another quick side note……

Carl’s was in West Columbia, South Carolina which means the average temperature in the summer is roughly, HOTTER THAN THE GATES OF HELL so….unlike most musicians in other parts of the country, a lot of us ALWAYS wore shorts, t-shirts and usually flip flops or tennis shoes. No matter how low the thermostat is turned down in Columbia in the summer, it gets friggin’ HOT when a bar is packed and the doors open every few minutes. This night, as with MOST nights….I was wearing shorts.

This fact figures into the story...trust me.

Ok…now back to the story….again!

As I was standing at the bar, Eddie Snow walked up beside me and told Carla to give me a drink on him. I looked at him warily but, like the nice guy I am, I thanked him.

I ordered another Kamikaze.

“Man, I’m really sorry we got off to such a bad start.” He began. “I’m get a little carried away sometimes and Debra…that’s my wife… told me I should apologize so….I apologize.” He offered his hand.

I shook his hand reluctantly.

I downed the drink, nodded at Eddie and turned to find Tony so we could start playing.

He was seated at the table with the little brunette. I began to walk in his direction when Eddie shouted after me.

“Hey Ron!”

I looked over my shoulder at him.

“Nice legs dude.” He said with a grin.

I just shook my head and walked over to Tony’s table.

“Let’s go pick and grin a little.” I suggested.

“Let’s do it.” He said. “Who’s the jackass at the bar?”

“Some moron named Eddie Snow.” I told him. “I’m trying to ignore the prick but he’s like a yappin’ assed little dog.”

We went to the stage and got ready to play. Eddie came up to me with a big grin on his face.

“Hey man, I didn’t know you were a musician. Are ya’ll any good?” He asked.

I gave him my standard response to that particular question.

“Actually, we’re horrible.”

“Well, I can’t wait to hear this.” He said. “I’m gonna get the rest of my crew out of the pool room and listen to ya’ll.”

“You’ll be able to hear us back there. What we lack in talent, we make up for with a lot of volume.” I said.

“Yeah well, I wanna be closer so you’ll hear me fuckin’ with you.” He said and turned to hurry back to the pool room.

We started playing a few minutes later and, to my relief, he didn’t come back to the main room.

We played a couple of songs and, during the second one, Liz and Josef walked in and immediately began dancing directly in front of us. She looked at me and winked.

After the song was over, the crowd was clapping but, over the applause, I heard Eddie booing us.

He was back.

When the sound died down, he shouted at the top of his lungs.

“Hey Ron, you were right…..ya’ll suck out loud!”

His table was egging him on but other folks were telling him to shut up. He was enjoying the attention.

I could see Liz walk over to him and say something.

“Liz told me to apologize so….I’m sorry ya’ll suck so bad!” He laughed outrageously at his own ‘joke’.

Elizabeth grabbed a handful of his hair and used her other hand to slap him in the face! Too cool.

He danced away from her when she let go of his hair and put up his hands in a fighting stance. Josef was on him like a duck on a friggin’ junebug before Eddie knew what was happening.

Josef grabbed both of his arms and held him there.

Elizabeth screamed something to Josef and he let Eddie go but, not before she said something else to Eddie. He spun and walked back to his chair where he sat down laughing it up with his party.
Liz walked up to me.

“That stupid fucker is an asshole but, he spends a lot of money.” She said. “Of course he owes me about two grand but, he’s not a bad guy….just stupid. Don’t let him bother you.”

“Yeah, his been yankin’ my chain since he got here. If he keeps it up, I’m gonna kick his ass out of here.” I told her.

“Well, you’re the boss.” She said with a smile.

I was shocked!

“Damn crazy woman! What the hell’s gotten into you?” I laughed.
She grinned like a shy school girl.

“Josef gotten into me....alot!” She laughed and walked back to the bar.

I looked at Tony and grinned.

“Hell, if Josef can keep it up, he might just tame ole Liz!”

“I don’t see how the hell he ‘gets it up’ to begin with!” He laughed. “That’s a mean old woman.”

We played the rest of the set and took a break.

I was putting my guitar on the stand when I heard a female voice address me.

“I like the way you sound.”

I turned to find a petite brunette standing there. She was a pretty little thing with a big smile on her face.

“Well, we’re even…I like the way you look!” I said.

“I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.” She laughed at the cliché.

“Only the good lookin’ ones.” I admitted.

She laughed and I asked her if I could buy her a drink. She accepted and we walked to the bar.

I was standing there talking to her when I just happened to look in the mirror behind the bar and saw Eddie walking up behind me wearing a weird look on his face. He was hunched over and sneaking up behind me. Just before he made to me, I spun around.

There he stood with his hand reaching out toward me and his body bent at the waist. He looked like a red headed retarded Groucho Marx.

The crowd that had showed up with Eddie were laughing wildly at his antics.

“What the hell are you doing Eddie?” I demanded.

He straightened up.

“Aww…I was just gonna ‘pants’ you dude.” He laughed. “We do it all the time around here; it’s like an initiation at Carl’s.”

“Eddie, I don't need initiating.” I told him. “Now get away from me.”

He grinned.

“I’ll get you before the nights out.” He said.

“Eddie, I’m giving you fair warning, if you lay one hand on me or try that childish ‘pantsing’ thing, I swear that I’m gonna lay you out so, make your self happy. It’s your call.”

The moron just giggle as he turned around and walked back to his group. As he got close, I heard him laughing and talking.

“Don’t worry ya’ll, I’m gonna get him before the nights done.” He announced loud enough for me to hear.

I was hoping that he was just trying to impress his friends but, I had a feeling he wasn’t done yet. The moron was going to try again.

I went back to talking with Sherrie, the girl I had just met. We sat and talked for a while until it was time for me to start playing again.

Finishing my drink, I glanced in the mirror again and, yep…you guessed it, there he was again creeping up behind me. I pretended not to notice. As he crept closer, I reached over and grabbed a mug of beer sitting in front of a guy I didn’t know. It was full and the guy looked at me. I whispered to him that I’d buy him another one.

I then turned and tossed the full beer on Eddie who was only three feet behind me. Shocked, he turned and scampered back to his table laughing like a fool. His buddies were howling.

I asked Carla to get someone to clean up the mess I’d created and walked over to Eddie’s table.

“Eddie, I should make you leave but, I’m really hoping you’ll try that silly shit again. If you do just remember, I warned you….I’m gonna knock your ass out.” I said.

I looked at his little merry band of idiots.

“Ya’ll heard me right?” I asked them.

They all avoided making eye contact with me and didn’t answer.

“Is he like this all the time?” I asked no one in particular.

Suddenly, they all started nodding their heads and laughing.

“And, ya’ll just keep encouraging him?” I asked.

Again, nothing from the peanut gallery.

I gave up.

I went back to the stage and started playing again. While we played, I noticed Eddie and a couple of his cohorts leave by the front door.

I couldn’t have been happier.

UNTIL…..ten or fifteen minutes later when the pinhead came back in the place wearing a hockey mask and wielding a RUNNING chain saw over his head while revving it up like he was going to cut down a tree! I swear ya'll.....I ain't making this shit up!

It happened.

Needless to say, we quit playing abruptly.

Before I could put my guitar down, Josef had gotten there and had taken the chain saw away from him.

Elizabeth was close behind him screaming at Eddie telling him to leave. Eddie was laughing like a loon, still wearing the hockey mask.

I went over to them and told Josef to escort him out of the building along with all his friends. As I turned to address his little group of friends, Eddie lunged at me and had just grabbed the right leg of my shorts when I hit him with a GOOD right hand which caught him square on the left side of his forehead.

He went down like a shot and lay there whimpering.

His wife came running over screaming at me, cursing like a longshoreman but, Elizabeth stopped her dead in her tracks.

“He was warned Debra…shut the fuck up. Get out and don’t ever come back!” She yelled. “And take that stupid asshole with you!” She added while pointing at Eddie.

Josef gathered the group and marched them out of the front door after helping Eddie to his feet. He was holding his head with one hand and was obviously groggy.

He was smart enough or stunned enough to not say a word.

As they walked by, I was called everything but ‘Ron’ as they left but, I really didn’t pay much attention.

I was too busy realizing that I had broken my ring and little fingers knuckles on that dumb prick’s hard head!!

Damn it all to hell!

Thus endeth the Eddie Snow story! Thank God!!

It took me a week or so before I could play the guitar again. No finger picking, just rhythm but, we eventually got back to playing again.

Ok Folks....here's the wrap up of the Carl's Corner story.

Tony and I played there for over a year and a half. There were some fun times and some really shitty times but, all in all, it was a fun time which I may revistit from time to time but, right now...I'm tired of thinking about it! I'm sure I'll write about it more in the future.

Just so ya'll know, Elizabeth and Josef made it as a couple for about two weeks after which time, he dumped her and she was a raging bitch for a week or two UNTIL she met sleazy young guy who stole her jewelry and her car.

This led to another month or so of extremely wierd behavior on her part.

It was always a vicious cycle of mood swings with old Liz.

She died of a heart attack a few years later.

Tony and I kept playing all over the place for several years after Carl's and believe me...those stories will be related here in other posts.

Dex ended up getting busted a couple of years later for dealing dope and believe it or not, married a beautiful bi-sexual girl after he got out of prison. To my knowledge, they lived happily ever after.

Patsy inherited all of Liz's property and most of her problems. She committed suicide by, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, setting off a bunch of bug bombs in her house while she was still in it!!

THE END.....for now.

I'm sure I'll think of other stuff later!