My Adventures In 'Smug Druggling'...the conclusion.

I've been busy as hell doing all sorts of family stuff. Thanks to all of you who have continued to stop by. I hope ya'll had a great Thanksgiving.

When we left our story Butch and I had been stranded in a swamp by an enraged, monstrous buck.

Side Note....

For those of you who believe that my suggestion to approach the monster buck from hell was a BAD decision…..well, just screw ya’ll! Nine times out of ten, ANY friggin’ deer will haul ass when it’s approached by a vehicle so…..what the hell can I say? I was playing the odds but, I must admit, in THIS situation…it was a REALLY bad move.

Damn all you second guessers!

We Southern boys go towards danger! Of course, typically our bold and reckless actions are prefaced with the age old distinctly Southern ‘kiss of death’ proclamation.

“Hey boys! Ya’ll watch ‘dis shit!”

Many a Southern man has met his maker shortly after uttering these words.

Back To The Tale….

After contemplating the situation for roughly ten minutes, I turned to Butch.

“Dude, we ain’t gonna get it out of there by ourselves so let’s go back to Kelly’s house and sit on the porch till he wakes up.” I suggested.

“Man we need to get that truck outta there NOW!” He snapped.

I simply shook my head and began walking up the road.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked angrily.

“I’m gonna go lay out on Kelly’s porch and get some sleep till he wakes up.” I informed him.

“Let’s just go wake him up!” Butch suggested.

I stopped and turned to face him.

“What the hell are we gonna do when we wake him up Butch? Kelly doesn’t even have a phone!” I asked. “He DOES however have a big assed twelve gauge shotgun loaded with buckshot and a nasty temper if you piss him off!”

Butch just stood there staring at me.

“Ok…what the hell are we gonna do?” He asked.

“I don’t know about you but I’m going to walk back to Kelly’s house and crash out on his porch till he wakes up.” I told him. “But I damned sure ain’t gonna wake his ass up!”

“Screw that dude! My guy is supposed to pick this shit up at nine this morning!” Butch declared.

“Well…if you can find a phone, call the sumbitch and tell him to come get it ‘cause there ain’t a damn thing we can do right now.” I snapped. “Fuck you and the dope, I’m goin’ to Kelly’s.”

With that, I left him standing there fuming in the middle of the road.

Within ten minutes, I had walked/jogged back to Kelly’s front porch. I laid down on an old rusted out chaise lounge lawn chair and was just about to doze off when Butch arrived.

“Is he awake?” He whispered.

“I don’t think so.” I answered. “Kick back and get some sleep. We’ll figure it out in a few hours.”

From inside the house Kelly’s voice boomed.

“Figure WHAT out?”

I damn near had a coronary!

“Hey Kelly. It’s me again.” I said sheepishly.

“I know it’s you Bubby. I heard you when you hit the first step.” He growled.

The door creaked open and Kelly stepped out on the porch.

“What ‘chu two knuckle heads doin’ here?” He asked while sipping a steaming cup of coffee. He had obviously been awake quite awhile.

I told him what had happened.

He looked up sharply.

“Where dat buck now?’ He asked.

“Hell, I don’t know….he crashed into us and then hauled ass! I don’t think he was even hurt!” I said.

“That sumbitch!” Kelly spat. “I been trying to hang his rack on my wall for ten years! He’s no count, thievin’ mutherfucker!”

“A deer?” I asked.

“Oh hell yeah…a man can’t plant a gotdamn petunia on this island wid out that big sumbitch eatin’ it up!” He complained. “Wished youda kilt his sorry ass.”

I laughed but Butch was beside himself.

“Mr. Brown….we gotta get that truck out of the water and get that shit to James Island quick! Can you help us?” He pleaded. “The guy who’s lookin’ for that shit ain’t a patient man.”

Kelly thought about it for a second.

“Well son, fact of da matter is simple…we gon get dat truck a yours out da water when we get dat truck a yours out da water and not a mite sooner so…don go worryin’ ‘bout it.” He said flatly.

He invited us inside and fixed us some biscuits and ham while he thought about the situation. After we had eaten our fill he lit a pipe and walked over to his bed and laid down.

Butch shot me a look as if to say “What the hell is he doing?” I shrugged my shoulders.

I had no idea what he was doing.

A few minutes went by and Kelly sat up quickly.

“Boys….I got an idea.” He grinned.

We just sat and waited for his follow up.

A couple of minutes went by but still, he didn’t say anything. Finally, Butch could stand it no longer.

“Mr. Brown…what’s your idea?” He asked.

Kelly laid back again and grinned.

“Well fust off…you boys get busy doin’ dem dishes and when ya’ll finished, I’m gon tell you what I got figgered out.” He grinned.

“I can’t be wastin’ time doing the dishes!!” Butch whined.

Kelly chuckled.

“Well Mr. Butch….I noticed you didn’t mind wastin’ time when you was eatin’ my food so you shouldn’t mind cleanin’ up my dishes.” Kelly said calmly.

Butch sat there and fumed but didn't say a word.

“Boys, I’m gon go see a man I know.” He told us.“He got a wrecker truck and he do some haulin’ for the state. I bet he can get ya’ll outta dat water but it’s gon cost you.”

“How much?” Butch asked.

Kelly laughed.

“Offhand, I’d say it gon cost you what da man say it’s gon cost.”

Butch looked at me and grimaced.

“I don’t suppose we’ve got much of a choice do we?” He asked.

“Nope…I think we’re pretty much stuck.” I said.

Kelly mumbled something and walked out the door. A few minutes later, his took off up the road in his ancient old Ford LTD.

We were sitting on the front porch and hour later when Kelly pulled back into the yard followed by a large wrecker. Kelly shouted for us to hop into his car and we headed down the road with the wrecker right behind us until we reached the spot where the truck has left the road.

The top of the cab was still visible.

We got out of the car and stood by the side of the road as the wrecker guy maneuvered his truck so that the crane dangled out over the water. The driver climbed out of the cab and I damn near passed out cold!

The driver was wearing the uniform of a Highway Patrol Lieutenant!

“Boy’s dis my old buddy Billy Harris.” Kelly announced. “He gon get ya’ll oughta dat water so’s ya’ll can get to work.”

I’m sure my hands were trembling as I shook hands with him.

“Looks like ya’ll got yourselves in a hell of a mess.” He grinned.

“Yessir, I guess we do.” I said. “That old deer damned near killed us.”

“Yeah…dey was lucky allright.” Kelly said. “Dey was coming back from checking my crab pots for me when dat mean sumbitch rammed ‘em.”

“Well, let’s see what we can do to get ya’ll out of there.” He said.

I figured that we would have to get into the water to attach the hook but Trooper Harris simply dropped the hook into the water at the rear of the truck and after a few tries, he managed to hook the bumper.

Slowly, he began to winch the truck up the bank and within fifteen minutes, he had it dragged onto the dirt road. Thankfully, all of the roofing paraphernalia still covered the illegal cargo and he began to hook the truck up properly.

Butch and I just stood there trying not to look guilty as he went about his business. Finally, Trooper Harris wiped his hands on an old towel and walked up to us.

“Well, where am I gonna haul this thing?” He asked. “Kelly say’s ya’ll live on James Island right?”

“Yessir.” I said and then told him where Butch lived. “How much is this gonna cost?”

He thought about it a minute.

“Well, since ya’ll are friends of ole Kelly…how does $100.00 sound?” He asked with a friendly smile.

“Sounds just fine to me!” Butch almost shouted almost too quickly.

“Well good, ya’ll hop in the truck and we’ll get going.” He said.

Kelly got into his car and I walked over to him as Butch and the trooper climbed into the wrecker.

I leaned into the window and whispered.

“A state friggin’ TROOPER?” I asked.

Kelly laughed and pounded the steering wheel.

“Bubby…I wish you coulda seen da look on your face!” He laughed. “Billy’s retired but he in the honor guard for the troopers and he gotta go to a funeral today so….he dressed up for it.”

“But damn Kelly!” I said. “He’s still a cop!”

“Aw hell, he don’t ‘spect nothin’.” He said. “Ya’ll tole me that shit was covered up good and he ain’t gon be lookin’ for nothin’ so shut up and get yo ass in the damned truck.”

I shook my head and started to walk away.

“Hey!” Kelly shouted.

I walked back to his car and leaned in the window.

“When do I get my money?” He asked.

“I’ll bring it to you tonight if your cop doesn’t throw my ass in jail.” I answered.

Kelly laughed and patted me on the arm as I stood up to leave.

“It’s gonna be ok boy. I’ll see you tonight.” He said.

I walked to the wrecker and crawled in beside Butch who was sitting there sweating like a whore in church.

“I’m ready.” I said. “Thanks for helping us out Mr. Harris.”

“No problem boys…I can always use the money.” He replied. “I’m retired you know.”

“Yessir…Kelly told me.” I answered trying to make conversation. “How long were you a trooper?”

“Once a trooper…always a trooper.” He explained. “Hell, I pulled a guy over last night for racing down my road but, I retired three years ago.” He proclaimed proudly.

“You look kind of young to be retired.” Butch said.

“Well, I put in twenty three years and I’d still be on the job if I hadn’t gotten fucked up in a crash.” He said.

“What happened?” I was trying to break the tension Butch and I were feeling.

For the next twenty minutes, he proceeded to give us a minute by minute recitation of his getting hurt in a high speed chase trying to arrest a couple of fugitives.

He finally finished the tale which concluded with him shooting one of the criminals after crawling out of his destroyed and overturned cruiser.

“Why were you chasing those guys?” Butch asked.

“They ran from a road block we had set up.” He explained. “Turns out they were fuckin’ dope dealers with a couple of ounces of coke in the car.”

Butch and I were left speechless.

After a few more minutes, we pulled onto the road leading to Butch’s house. As we neared the house, I could see two cars in his driveway. Standing outside the cars were four guys.

Butch elbowed me in the side.

“Hey Ron, let’s take it to your house so we can use your tools.” He said nervously.

“Sure.” I replied. “It’s a few houses down on the left.” I told the trooper.

He continued down the street and pulled into my driveway. As he pulled alongside my car, the trooper spoke up.

“Aw man!” He said. “Is that your car?”

“Yeah.” I said.

“Son of a bitch!” He said as he came to a stop. “That’s sweet! I used to have one just like it!”

He parked the wrecker and immediately rushed over to check out my candy apple red 1955 Chevy Bel Air convertible.

While he checked out the car, I rushed back to the truck dangling behind his wrecker to find that a couple of bales of black plastic wrapped pot were clearly visible! I rushed to pull shingles over them as I heard the sound of cars pulling into my driveway.

Butch ran towards the cars and I rushed over to engage trooper Harris as he was looking under the hood at the engine.

As I got to the front of the car, I heard one of the guys talking loudly to Butch.

“Where the fuck have you been?” A guy shouted.

“Man, we had some trouble with the truck but everything’s cool.” Butch tried to calm the guy down.

“You were supposed to be here at nine!” The same guy shouted.

I could see that trooper Harris was hearing the exchange between Butch and the drug dealer so, I tried to distract him.

“Did you check out the carb?” I asked as I began removing the air filter.

Suddenly, I heard Butch scream like a small girl and poked my head up over the hood to see two guys pinning him against one of the cars.

Much to my dismay, trooper Harris was all over the situation. He immediately jogged over to where the altercation was taking place.

“Hey!” He shouted. “Knock it off!” He shouted.

Time almost literally stood still as the doper guys saw Trooper Harris standing there in full dress uniform!

No one said a word as the guys turned Butch loose and backed away with their hands in plain site away from their bodies. Butch simply hung his head and slumped against the car.

Not a word was spoken for several seconds until I couldn’t stand the silence.

“Butch’s truck got hit by a fucking deer asshole and Trooper Harris pulled it out of the swamp!” I said as I walked up to the guy who had been yelling at Butch. “You’re lucky we got here THIS soon!”

The four guys had their eyes trained on the trooper as I continued.

“As soon as we get Butch’s truck unloaded, we’ll get over to your house and fix the roof but it ain’t Butch’s fault…..OK?” I said while improvising as quickly as I could.

The guys made a bunch of mumbling noises as they got back in their cars and quickly drove away.

Trooper Harris watched them drive away.

“One of those dudes looks familiar to me.” He said. “I swear I think I’ve put his ass in jail before.”

He went back to my car and looked it over a bit more. After a few minutes, he unhooked Butch’s truck and we paid him.

“I’d be careful when you clean that truck up boys.” He warned. “Ain’t no telling what kind of shit got into it out there overnight in that swamp. Snakes, gators...all kinds of shit.”

If he only knew!!

He got back in the truck and drove off. Butch and I waited until he got out of sight, looked at each other and began laughing our fool heads off.

Needless to say….that was the end of what we came to refer to as our ‘Smug Druggling’ experience!