Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Ain't Life Strange?

I know that I need to finish the story that I started awhile back but….I had a strange thing happen today and I just felt like ‘sharing’ it with those who are still dropping by.

As I’ve said before, I live in a tourist/summer home area and, every once in a while, I came face to face with a ‘Flor-idiot’ (a part time Florida resident who is not really a Floridian but a Yankee transplant) and today was just such a day.

To be fair….I’m not sure how I would have reacted given the same scenario but, since I’ve become a grumpy old man, I would probably have acted in much the same way as the guy I’m gonna tell ya’ll about BUT…..we’ll never know because well…it happened to some anonymous Yankee prick and not me!

Thank God!

Yankee’s are just SO damned funny when they get pissed off! Don’t get me wrong…we Southern boys are every bit as bad tempered at times but damn it….we tend to get EVEN…not angry!

Call me crazy but I think Yankee’s are simply predisposed to be pissed off and today was a prime example.

Anyway…here’s the deal.

I was heading in to the office when I found myself trapped behind a slow moving luxury pick up truck. You know the kind….a brand new Cadillac pick up truck. If that’s not a friggin’ oxymoron, I don’t know what is!

However, I digress.

This shiny new slow moving truck was doing thirty five in fifty mph zone and the bed was crammed to the gills with furniture. Of course, I was in a hurry and began to get impatient when, all of a sudden, a huge mattress literally took flight and flew directly toward me!

Well damn!

I almost tossed my sausage egg McMuffin into the back seat but, of course….I didn’t.

I almost lost control of my six thousand ton Suburban but, of course…..I didn’t.

After all….any self respecting Southern boy would rather die in a fiery crash wearing a cocktail dress and high heels than lose control of a motor vehicle OR a perfectly edible biscuit so……of course….

I dealt with the situation.

I don’t want to brag but, much like Dustin Hoffman in ‘Rainman’….

I’m an excellent driver.

I swerved into the oncoming traffic lane to avoid the flying Beauty Rest mattress just in time to see a rapidly approaching Mini Cooper closing in fast!

You might not believe it but I actually had time to find humor in the situation.

Given the scenario, I was in pretty good shape here.

Huge Beauty Rest mattress?

Tiny little toy car?

If I collided with either of them, I was gonna be in good shape because I’m driving a friggin’ Brink’s truck with three dozen air bags!

What’s the worst that could happen?

Hell, if I got into a collision at thirty five mph, I think the interior of my car would look like a birthday party at Chucky Cheese!

Balloons would be EVERYWHERE!

Of course, the Mini Cooper would be reduced to a replacement hubcap and the Beauty Rest would be LAID TO REST but…..

I’d be okay.

So anyway, I swerved back in behind the pick up truck.

Once I had regained my composure…..not that I had actually ever LOST my composure, I took another bite of McMuffin, drank a sip of iced tea, checked my crotchital area for signs of inadvertent leakage and took a deep breath.

I was ALIVE and… was the Mini Cooper as well as the Beauty Rest.

I could still see the spinning mattress in my rear view mirror.

I decided to alert the driver of the pick up truck that he had lost a mattress so I gunned the Suburban and fell in to a position ten feet off of the guy’s bumper.

I flashed my headlights and tapped the horn repeatedly to no avail. I swerved to the left a bit and continued my efforts to attract the guy’s attention.

To no avail.

After several minutes of trying to get the guy’s attention, I noticed a huge muscular arm hanging out of the drivers side window motioning for me to pass.

I was in a no passing zone but, I ignored the double yellow lines and moved left and accelerated.

As I pulled alongside the pick up truck, I saw a car bearing down on me so I dropped back into the right lane on the bumper of the truck.

I continued my lights and horn routine while waiting for another opportunity to pull alongside the truck.

During this wait I noticed that the huge muscular arm was now flipping me a defiant middle finger!

I couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought of this guy getting so damned steamed at a dude who was just trying to be a good Samaritan.

Hell, I could see myself misinterpreting the situation and getting seriously pissed off at some redneck honking and flashing his lights on my slow moving ass if our roles were reversed!

To make a long story short…..about three miles further down the road, we came to a stop light at which one lane goes straight while the other goes right.

The light was red.

As he veered into the right lane and came to a stop, I could see his taillights briefly turn white.

This dude was putting his truck into park!

Did I mention the huge, muscular arm?

I pulled up beside him and pushed the button for the front passenger window and watched it slide down as I threw the car into park.

The truck’s door flew open and a very large swarthy lookin’ dude uncoiled out of the vehicle like a pissed off gorilla!

I could hear him shouting but couldn’t make out his words.

I was busy!

Before he reached the passenger side of my car, I had reached behind the passenger seat and wrapped my hand around the grip of my beloved Model 1911 Colt pistol.

This young dude was huge AND pissed!

I wasn’t going to fight him over a flying mattress!

He put both hands on the sill of the passenger door and screamed at me.

“You got a fuggin’ problem man?!!” He demanded.

I started to speak but he drowned me out.

“I was goin’ as fast as I fuggin’ could ASSHOLE! I got a big fuggin’ load mutherfugger!” He screamed.

I started laughing which of course INFURIATED the man.

He slammed the side of my car and started to walk away.

“You ain’t gonna be able to sleep a wink tonight dude!” I shouted.

He stopped in his tracks.

“What?” he asked.

“You’re gonna have to sleep on the couch tonight big boy!” I laughed.

He walked slowly back to the car and leaned in with both forearms on the window sill.

“What the fuck are you talkin’ about?” He asked.

I couldn’t help but laughing.

“What!!” He demanded.

I finally gained control and took a deep breath.

“You lost a mattress a few miles back.” I said.

“What?” He asked again.

“Check your truck dude…’re missing a mattress.” I laughed.

He strode over to his truck and looked into the bed.

After a second or two, he walked slowly over to my car and leaned his arms on the window sill again.

“Mister….I’m sorry.” He said as he hung his head. “I was gonna kick your ass.” He grinned sheepishly.

“Well, you better go find your mattress.” I said.

He straightened up and began to walk away without another word which, quite frankly, pissed me off!

I thought I deserved a better apology!

“Hey!” I shouted.

He leaned back down and I leveled the Colt at him.

He froze.

“I hope you learned a lesson here.” I grinned.

To his credit….he was a cool customer.

He leaned back down and smiled.

“Yessir….I certainly have.”

I reached behind the seat and returned the pistol to it’s holster.

“Go get your bed dude…you ought to sleep good tonight.” I said.

“No shit man!” He laughed.

We talked for a second while traffic backed up behind us until I put my car into ‘drive’ and started to pull off.

Before the light could turn green, we exchanged business cards and shook hands.

It took me twenty minutes to get to work but, by the time I got there, our receptionist already had a message for me.

I called the number.

It was the guy I had ‘met’.

We spoke for almost half an hour and………

We’ve got a ten o'clock tee time for tomorrow.

Ain’t life strange?

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