Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Thanks A Million

Now that the weekend is here, I'm gonna try and find time to finish the latest tale. I just wanted to thank all of you for dropping by and for all the nice comments on my latest post about Michelle.

Sorry to leave ya'll hanging on the story but....stuff happens. I've actually been working pretty hard. Ok...not hard but alot. Shocking but true!

Hope ya'll have a great weekend.

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

All Is Right With The World

Many of the visitors to this blog have emailed and offered prayers for my life...Michelle.

Because of your concerns and prayers about her struggle against cancer, I felt the need or, the responsibility, to inform ya'll that she is still doing well.

Today's visit to her Oncologist was GREAT!! All tests and indications are that, while she is not in remission (which means there is NO sign of cancer) all the tests show that there is no progression of the lesions or tumors!!!

I wish you all could know this darlin' little woman.

Courageous doesn't begin to describe her.

She is the most wonderful woman God ever created. When she was first diagnosed with stage IV metastatic breast cancer, the doctors told us that she would be dead in 2 1/2 years but....she's still going strong five years later!!!

She has over two dozen tumors all over her body. Liver, spine, pelvis, shoulder, upper arm and even one in her left thigh bone which required two surgery's to implant titanium shafts into the bone so she could walk without snapping the bone but today, she came home from the doctor's visit and spent thirty minutes "Sweatin' To The Oldies" with Richard Simmons!!

She is magnificent!

If you were to look at one hundred women, you would NEVER pick her as being a cancer "VICTIM".

She's pink, precious and PERFECT!

Dear God....I LOVE this woman!

Thank ya'll for all of your prayers.

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Sunday, October 22, 2006

The Billionaire Party...Part III

I hope ya'll had a great weekend. I sure did! Among other beloved Gamecock's beat Vandy rather convincingly and we had a great gathering here at the house.

To those of you who have asked me to reveal the identity of John X.......... Michelle has forbidden me to mention real names of the folks in my stories and believe me...she IS the BOSS!

End of discussion.

Soon, however, I will tell the story of my time with one of the nicest, coolest and most generous ‘stars’ I ever met and spent time with.

His name was Hoyt Axton. He's no longer with us and that's a cryin' shame.

What a great guy!

Back To The Story.

John X. and I had just reached the main floor when Victoria hollered at us.

“Hey…wait for me! You said I could come along!”

I turned to see her hustling up the stairs below us.

“Is that your girlfriend?” John asked.

“Not yet but….you never know.” I laughed.

She caught up with us.

“You can’t cop a toke without me.” She said.

John looked at me. I looked at him. We both lost it!

We were laughing like crazy and she was looking at us like we were mutants.

“What?” She asked. Of course, it came out sounding like “Wawht”.

We couldn’t stop laughing.

“Wawht!” She asked again.

“I’m sorry Victoria but I haven’t heard ‘cop a toke’ since Starsky and Hutch.” John said.

She looked at me, then at him.

“Well, that’s what we say back home!” She said. “What do you say?”

“All kinds of things.” I said “We just haven’t heard that one in while.”

She punched me in the arm and laughed.

We went out on the deck and smoked a joint together as John and I worked out what we were going to play. When we finished, we went back down the bar where John C. was obviously working on a serious buzz. He was regaling the cute brunette with Lord knows what brand of bullshit and she was hanging on every word. I looked at her and interrupted his soliloquy.

“Darlin’ don’t believe a word he says.” I said.

She looked at me and smiled.

“I don’t care if he’s lyin’…he’s funny!” She laughed.

John gave me a smug grin.

“Yun’s has got yer singin’ and guitar playin’......ah has got mah massive brain and sense of humor!” He bragged. “Yun’s has got to fish with the bait God gives yuns.”

“Looks like you’ve landed a cute one John…don’t screw it up by telling the truth!” I said.

He leaned over to me.

“Fuck yuns!” He whispered.

John X. and I went to play a few tunes together. I only had two guitars with me so I let John decide which one he would play. He chose my old Fender custom made which left me with the Washburn.

We proceeded to play for over an hour.

The first song he decided to play was one that he wrote but was made famous by a guy who had recently died. Once he got to the chorus, I began singing harmony and he turned to give me an encouraging look. At the end of the chorus he leaned over.

“That’s fuckin’ great man! Keep it up.” He said.

I was blown away. This guy had played with EVERYBODY!

The guests were eating this up and we were having a great time.

During one of his songs, three of the bikini clad girls started doing a ‘dueling strip tease’ act on the dance floor with each one trying to 'out sexy' the other one. Just as one of the women, a tall blonde, whipped off her top, a dark Latino looking guy ran over and grabbed her by the arm and tried to drag her off the dance floor. She was obviously not interested in leaving and proved it by jerking her arm away. She headed back towards the other girls but the guy wasn’t going to let it drop and went after her, grabbing her arm again. This time, she couldn’t break free and the guy began almost dragging her away.

John and I stopped playing.

I put down my guitar and spoke into the mic.

“Hey dude, ease up!”

He still had her by the arm but spun around to look at me.

“Fuck you!” He said. “This is my wife! Mind your own business!”

She continued to struggle.

“I’m his EX-WIFE!” She screamed. “Let go of me!” She shouted.

I put my guitar on the stand and stood up. I’m not sure what I was going to do but, I wasn’t gonna stand by while this guy man handled her. I started toward him and he shoved her aside leaving her standing there with her boobs heaving and, of course, I was looking at her when the guy popped me hard on the left side of my face!

I didn’t go down but the room did go ‘ass over tea kettle’ for a second during which time, he landed two other punches. The one in the ribs almost took my breath away and the second landed harmlessly on my left shoulder. I was able to spin him around and bear hug him for a second or two which was enough of a pause to allow my head to clear a bit. I could see that everyone was watching and I remember thinking that I wished someone would break this shit up before I got seriously injured! This sumbitch was fast and strong!

Suddenly, he sagged down and slipped out of my grasp but, in doing so, he slipped down to the point where I had him around the neck with my left arm. He wasn’t going anywhere now so, I took the opportunity to knee him in the kidney with my right knee. He grunted but still tried to get away so I hit him three times on the ride side of his head….HARD.

He went down to the floor where he went into a great imitation of an armadillo under attack.

The topless blonde rushed over to me and screamed for me to leave him alone which, quite frankly, was a demand I was more than happy to obey. I had no intention of prolonging the fight.

Before I could back away, the blonde, who MUST have played soccer at some point in her life, launched a vicious right foot into his rib cage. You could hear the breath leave his lungs in an almost comical ‘OOF’. He unfolded from his fetal position and in a scene I’ll never forget, he flopped into a ‘spread eagle’ position face up on the floor.

I could see it coming and was actually going to try and stop her but…. she was too damned quick!

She hopped around, positioned herself between his wide spread legs and drove a high heeled foot into his unprotected groin!!

Dear Lord!

Everyone in the place groaned but our voices were drowned out but the other worldly scream that came from the guy on the floor.

I took hold of the blonde’s biceps.

“That’s probably gonna do it darlin’….you’re gonna kill him” I shouted.

She struggled to get at him so I grabbed her around the waist. Her boobs were bouncing off my forearms as she thrashed around.

Hey…..sometimes life throws you a fringe benefit!

“I wanna kill the son of bitch!” She screamed. “Let me go!”

The poor bastard was once again curled into a fetal position and suddenly, he passed out cold.

She stopped struggling and started laughing.

“I’m okay….let me go please.” She said calmly.

I let her go.

She leaned over the guy and spit on him! She actually spit on the guy!!

“You worthless mutherfucker!” She screamed. “I hope you fuckin’ DIE!!”

Suddenly, a woman rushed over and knelt beside the unconscious dude.

“He’s not breathing.” She said almost conversationally and quickly rolled him onto his back. “No, no…he’s breathing but someone call 911.”

Dan knelt down beside her.

“Aw…he’ll be O.K.” He said. “Right?”

“No!” She snapped. “Call the fucking ambulance!”

She pointed at his crotch.

The guy was wearing dark jeans but you could clearly see a darker area between his legs and a spreading pool of blood under his butt!

Holy Shit!

Dan hopped up and ran to the bar where he quickly punched 911 into the phone.

Within seconds, the woman tending to the unconscious dude had unbuckled his jeans and tugged them down to his ankles.

What happened next was a true study in human nature which is burned indelibly in my mind.

Immediately upon seeing the woman pull the unconscious dude’s pants below his bloody ‘crotchital’ area, EVERY man in the room turned like a friggin' precision drill team and left the area!

On the OTHER hand, I don't believe one single woman moved an inch!

A few of them were actually LAUGHING! One grey haired lady actually said.

"He's not so tough now is he? That'll teach his ass!"

I'm not makin' this shit up folks!

It was a chilling site for every man who was there that night.

‘Weaker sex’ my ass!! Those women were enjoying the hell out of seeing this dude’s plight. Granted...he was an asshole who probably deserved that and worse but....Jeez!!

I mean DAMN! The sumbitch had sucker punched me three times and I wasn't happy to see him lying there bleeding profusely!

In some sort of unspoken unconscious ‘guy thing’ which must be imprinted on our collective DNA, all the guys gathered at the bar. No one really conversed for a while but we all took turns saying things like….


“Holy Shit!”

“Did you see that shit?”

"That shit had to HURT!"

Dan had gone behind the bar and was slamming a variety of bottles down on the bar. We gladly accepted his unspoken offer to ‘drink up’.

After a few minutes, the silence was finally broken by…..guess who?

“Ain’t yuns gonna make us some ice cream sundaes Dan’l?” John C. asked innocently.

Dan and the rest of us looked at him like he had lost his freakin' mind.

John laughed.

“Well sheeit....what goes better with crushed nuts than a gotdamned ice cream sundae?”

We howled!

Shortly thereafter, the sound of sirens filled the room and an EMS squad appeared followed by what seemed like every law enforcement dude in the county.

A burly EMS guy went over to the unconscious dude

“Ma’am…you need to move away.” He ordered the woman who had taken charge of the guy.

“I’m a doctor.” She snapped and then proceeded to give orders as to what needed to be done. The EMS crew obeyed her instructions and within five minutes they had him strapped to a gurney and were hauling him up the spiral staircase.

The cops however, weren’t about to leave.

They talked to a few people and suddenly, their heads turned to me. One of the guys waved me over.

Of course, I complied.

He asked me what I had to do with the situation and, as I told my story, several people verified my statement. When I got to part about the blonde’s actions, she stormed up to the cop. During the excitement, she had put her top back on.

“Hell yeah I kicked his fuckin’ ass!” She said loudly.

“Ma’am….you should be careful what you say to us.” He began.

“Fuck that!” She laughed. “I’m proud of what I did! I left that sorry sonofabitch ‘cause he beat me up! Now I beat HIM up!!”

“Well ma’am…I’m afraid I’m going to have to place you under arrest.” He said.

She glared at him.

“What about him?” She asked as she pointed at me. “He’s the one who knocked him out!”

I was stunned!

Once again in my life, I was witnessing the ‘no good turn goes unpunished’ syndrome.

I had been trying to help the damned woman and here she is trying to get my dumb ass locked up!

John C piped up.

“Ron DID knock that dumb sumbitch's dick in the dirt officer but that girl is the one what tap danced on that mutherfucker!" He looked at me with a satisfied grin on his face.

“Stop helpin’ me John.” I growled “Just shut the fuck up!”

“Sir…you need to watch your language.” The cop warned me.

Dan interceded.

“Officer, this is my house.” He said as he introduced himself. “This guy was tryin’ to help Aubrey when the other guy sucker punched him. Ron was just defending himself when he put the guy down. He was still conscious when Aubrey started kicking the shit out him but, the asshole deserved what he got!”

The cop nodded and made some notes in a little book. We stood there waiting patiently until he finished scribbling. He then asked for my name, address and phone number which I gave him.

He informed me that I wouldn’t be arrested.

“Are you planning on leaving town?” He asked.

I laughed.

“No Marshall Dillon.” I joked but, he didn’t find it particularly humorous.

“I’m a Sheriff…not a Marshall.” He informed me. “Someone will be in touch.”

With that, he turned to Aubrey and again told her that she was under arrest. She didn’t appreciate that at all.

She began raising hell and calling him everything except ‘officer’!

Within seconds, he had handcuffed her. He and another guy lead her away kicking and screaming.

John X. was standing beside me.

“Are all your gigs like this?” He asked.

I laughed.

“No, but I’ve seen worse.” I said.

“Damn dude.” He replied.

After the cops left, Dan supervised while a couple of guys who obviously worked for him mopped up the blood on the floor. After they had done so, he walked over to me and asked me to turn on the mic. I informed him that I’d never turned it off. He nodded and walked over to the mic stand.

“I apologize for the um…..incident. If ya’ll want, we can call it night.” He said.

To my amazement, it seemed as though everyone spoke out in unison.

They weren’t about to go home at shortly after midnight.

The party was back on!

To Be Continued........

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