Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Me And The Rabid Raccoon

We live in the mountains so, we often have to deal with wild animals hanging around our property but recently, I was confronted by a creature that basically 'called me out!'.

For the past few weeks, our little cocker spaniel 'Molly' has been terrified to venture off the deck. It has been a chore simply to make her go outside to relieve herself. She's been making herself miserable holding it as long as possible before she finally conceded to venture into the yard to...well GO.

We knew that a mountain lion had mauled a horse in the valley not three hundred yards from our place a month ago and that several bears had been spotted roaming around but....we had seen no sign of those critters anywhere near our house but....Molly was being spooked by SOMETHING.

We HAD noticed that our heavy duty outdoor trash cans had been disturbed a bit but pretty much unsuccessfully. We could see deep scratches on the lids and sides and once, a can had been toppled over. No small feat really as they are pretty heavy cans.

Well, a couple of nights ago, the little mystery was solved.

Michelle had gone to bed around ten o'clock and I was reading in the living room when Molly came over to my chair and proceeded to stare a hole in me.

Damn I wish we could teach her how to tell us what the hell she wants ain't gonna happen.

So.....after finishing a paragraph, I asked her if she wanted to go outside and she damn near freaked!

She began growling, spinning in circles, whining....I mean...she was really acting weird.

I laughed, headed to the kitchen door as she led the way.

As soon as I touched the door knob, Molly froze and began growling.

Let me explain....Molly is a little wimp. She pees herself when strangers walk on the deck. She's completely house broken until a stranger shows up.

So, you can understand how unnerved I was that Molly The Wonder Wuss was acting like a demon dog from Hell.

Well, something told me to go to my bedroom closet and grab my .22 caliber nine shot revolver. The weather was mild, the moon was bright so I figured that pretty much ANYTHING might be wandering around the house that night. I put on a pair of flip flops....bad move....and went back to the kitchen/deck door. Molly had her nose pressed against the door as I slowly pulled it open. She damn near ran through the screen before I could stop her with a shout. She backed off and I was just about to slide the screen back when I decided to turn on the deck lights. Molly growled and whined....I know....a weird combination's Molly The Wonder Wuss.

Just as I flipped the light switch, Molly went absolutely postal!! She began barking and jumping at the screen door frantically!

I leaned closer to the door and was met by the grin of the biggest frigging raccoon I have EVER seen!

This damned thing was HUGE!

It was bigger than Molly for sure.....she weighs about twenty five or thirty pounds I suppose and the raccoon dwarfed her. The raccoon was the size of a medium sized Labrador was PISSED!

The damned thing threw itself against the screen door with a low, throaty snarl and I would have sworn that it would rip through the screen. Instead, it bounced back a few feet as Molly went even crazier and regrouped for a second attack.

And attack it did!!

It came screaming toward the door and propelled it's weight into the door AGAIN!!

He bounced back and summoned his strength for ANOTHER attack.

Even though I was inside the house, the noise of Molly going nuts, the sight of this raccoon going all Animal Kingdom on me and the fact that Michelle come flying into roughtthe room was just TOO overwhelming so..........I shot the damned thing....through the closed screen door!


Folks....I'm here to tell you that I hit that thing dead center....twice with hollow point long rifle pistol shots and all it did was sit back on its haunches and STARE AT ME!

Michelle looked at me and with her normal understated humor said.

“You missed him Matt Dillon.”

I shook my head and laughed.

“Hell no I didn't...I nailed him......I'll be right back. Shut the door.”

I went to my nightstand and grabbed my .357 Magnum.

As I came back into the kitchen, Molly was cowering in the corner and Michelle was looking outside.

“Ron....that thing is HUGE!” she gasped. “What's it doing now?”

I joined her at the door and saw the raccoon standing on its hind legs, pawing at the air and howling!

That's when Michelle noticed the frothy foam on the screen door.

“Honey....that poor thing has rabies!” she said.

Well damn!

“Look, I'm gonna go around the house, come up on the back deck and drill his ass. Keep his attention on this door....flash the light, knock on the glass but keep his attention okay?” I asked.

“Be careful!” she ordered.

I went out the front door and slowly (hell, that's the only speed I have these days!) and slowly made my was around the house until I was within forty feet of the back door area. I thought I was doing pretty good until my right foot sandal caught on a board and I stumbled (I stumble a lot these days). Well....when I stumbled, the giant raccoon turned, looked in my direction and began to creep my way. It moved very slowly like a cat stalking a mouse. I watched it come closer and to be honest....I was VERY nervous!

I had just begun to formulate a strategy when the damned critter started moving pretty fast....straight at me!

I barely had time to swing the large pistol into position.

My first shot from about twenty feet lit up the dark night and sounded like a cannon going off in the calm night. I later found out that the first shot actually blew off the left rear wheel of our BBQ grill!

I fired again.

This shot either grazed the raccoon or startled it because it whirled around in a couple of circles then it did the damnedest thing.

It sat on its haunched for a second, shook its head a couple of times, began making a howling noise and began to slowly walk toward me.

Dear LORD!!

This friggin' thing was possessed!


Well...the third shot was dead solid perfect.

I had never before actually shot a living thing with a .357 magnum before.

It practically RAINED raccoon on my deck.

Without getting TOO graphic....let's just say that it cost me $100.00 to get that raccoon and what was left of it off my back deck!

I didn't want to deal with it, didn't want Michelle messing with it (she would have) nor did I want Molly getting into it so, I hired our valley neighbor Jason to take care of it. Jason will do almost anything if the money is right!

Anyway...such is life in the mountains these days.

See ya'll again soon.


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