Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

MY Jihad Against Jehovah's Witnesses

Let me first say that I totally and completely respect religious people of MOST persuasions including Jehovah’s Witnesses. While I think they are WAY off base in their beliefs, I truly admire the fact that while 99% of the folks they approach in an attempt to ‘share their faith’ would rather listen to Rosanne Barr sing the national anthem drunk they STILL keep trying to convert people.

Having said that, I think they should learn how to take NO for an answer! They should stop calling on you once you’ve told them that you’re not friggin’ interested in their bat shit crazy story.

This post is all about how I finally got them to quit knocking on my door.

Back in the day when I was playing music, managing or owning bars, I generally got home at a very late hour. Three or four a.m. was not an unusual hour for me to get home and it almost always took me another hour or two to finally go to sleep. I generally slept till mid to late afternoon, got up and did it all again. It was quite literally like working a third shift except of course... you could drink as much as you could deal with.

One Saturday morning after a very late night, my girlfriend and I were awoken by a knock on the door. Barney, my 130 lb Rottweiler/Labrador mix dog was prancing on the front deck making friends with whoever was knocking at the door and I could hear a female voice making cutesy noises to him.

I decided to ignore them. Maybe they would go away. I had no allusions about Barney running them off or scaring them. Hell, he looked like Astro on the Jetson’s and was even friendlier but, maybe they would give up and go away.

Yeah right.

After a minute or so, I heard a louder and longer knock. I still didn’t answer the door.

Less than a minute later, the knock became very loud and incessant. This time, I got out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans. Surely it had to be a cop or someone with news that my house was on fire!

I rushed to the front door and yanked it open.

Standing there were three women, all dressed in black. I knew immediately that they were Jehovah’s Witnesses and quite frankly, the one at the forefront was very attractive. Call me sexist but my first inclination is to not get mad at a pretty woman without good reason.

Hey! Shut up! At least I’m honest. I mean really, name me one woman who would get mad at Brad friggin’ Pitt knockin’ on her door at 8:00 a.m.? Stop being so damned judgmental!

“Good morning sir. We’re with the local Kingdom Hall here and we’d love the opportunity to speak with you about our faith. (or some such line)” She said with a sweet smile on her pretty face.

“Ma’am, I know all about your faith but, I’m not interested.” I said respectfully.

To their credit, they thanked me and left.

A couple of weeks later, the same exact group of women woke me up at the same time on a Saturday morning. I went to the door and was a bit less patient this time. I opened the door and spoke before they could say a word.

“Ladies…this is the second time you’ve come here and woke me up. I work nights and I would appreciate it if you would stop waking me up. I’m not interested in what you have to say O.K.?” I tried to be polite but firm. “Don’t come here again….PLEASE.”

Before they could respond, I shut the door and went back to bed.

Believe it or not, the very next Saturday, a group of young guys showed up early.

This time…I was angry as I opened the door.

“I’m not interested in what you’re sellin’ boys. I’ve told the ladies twice to stop bothering me so now they send ya’ll but I’m still not interested.” I said firmly. “Take me off your list.”

“Sir…we don’t have a list.” A tall dark haired boy told me. “We go where the Lord takes us.”

They looked so sincere that I calmed down a bit.

“Look boys, if the Lord leads you here again, I’m gonna get PISSED and I’m not gonna take it out on the Lord, I’m gonna kick ya’lls asses off my porch!”

They left quietly and….I went back to bed.

A couple of weeks went by until they showed up again. It was an older group of men and women this time. I tried to ignore the knocking but it went on intermittently for about five minutes. The pounding got louder and longer each time.

As I lay there, a thought popped into my devious brain! It was a veritable epiphany.

I was gonna get these fuckers!

I got up, pulled on my pants and opened a wooden box on top of my dresser. I removed a small tape recorder, turned it on and rushed to the door. This time, I took a totally different approach.

“Hey ya’ll!” I smiled. “Come on in.”

I could tell these folks were not used to actually being invited in. Hell, for all I knew it was the first time for all of them. They acted like a puppy that had been kicked so many times that, even though it wanted a friendly pat on the head, it was wary. They milled about for a few seconds and then realized, as a group, that if you keep asking people to listen to your shit, sooner or later you had to actually deliver.

They began filing into my living room. I pointed all five of them to a seat around the room. I then sat down in a recliner.

“Look, folks from your church, temple, mosque or cult have been waking me up almost every Saturday morning for a couple of months now so…..I surrender.” I said. “Give me your best shot…let’s get this over with.”

A grey haired lady began speaking but I quickly interrupted her.

“I’m sorry but I didn’t catch your name.” I said.

She told me and then I asked her where she lived. This is a small town so, when she told me, I knew exactly where her house was. I asked the others the same questions and got every answer recorded on tape. I then told her to proceed with her sales pitch.

She began speaking and I listened for about three minutes.

“Ok..I’ve heard enough.” I interjected. “Sorry but, I ain’t buyin’ it so, if you will…please take me off your list of folks to wake up every Saturday morning OK? I already own an alarm clock.”

“Sir…if you would just listen to me….”

“Ma’am…it’s YA’ll who ain’t listenin’! Please don’t bother me again. I appreciate your fervor but, I’m just not interested.” I said.

Thankfully…..they left and, once again, I went back to bed and tried to sleep.

Roughly one hour later, the same group of women who had first visited me showed up beating on my door!

I’m not making this shit up! I was PISSED beyond control.

Yanking the door open, I was face to face with the good looking little zealot. I had my tape recorder in my hand.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

She told me. I then told her to either get off my porch or get naked and come on in.

"Unless ya'll are here for sexual purposes...I ain't interested!" I grinned.

They left my front deck as if it was on fire.

I decided that it was time to get proactive with the situation.

I spent an hour or so that day rewinding the tape, making note of the names and addresses of the asshats that had been bothering me for weeks.

My revenge was planned right then and there.

I closed down the bar Monday night shortly after 1:00 a.m. I drove to the address of the pretty Witness babe. The house was located in the boondocks and it was hard to find but I finally found it. I drove up to the house and parked. A dog barked in the distance as I walked up and knocked lightly on the door.

No response.

I knocked a bit louder.

Still nothing.

I finally used my fist and beat the holy shit out of the door continuously until lights came on in the house.

“Who is it?” A man’s voice demanded.

“It’s Brother Ron and I have a message from God!” I answered.

“What?” The man asked.

“I’ve got a message from God for you!” I shouted. “Can I get a witness? Hah! Get it? Can I get a witness?” I laughed.

“Go away!”

“Hey dude, I've asked you guys to stop waking me up several times but you keep coming back!” I shouted. "I'm just returning the favor! I'll be back!"

I got back in my car and went to the next address.

It was close to 2:00 a.m. by the time I found the house I was looking for. I pulled into the driveway and a light came on immediately. I got out of the car and walked up to the front porch. I knocked on the door.

“Who is it?” A woman asked.

“I’m Ron….you know me.” I said. “You’ve been to my house several times before, I’m just returning the favor.”

“What do you want?” She asked.

“I just wanted to show you how it feels to be woken up when you’re trying to sleep.” I said. “I’m leaving now but…I’ll be back soon.”

I got back in my car and drove to the next address.

I visited two more houses and woke up two more families until I decided to call it quits for the night.

The next afternoon, I was sitting at he bar talking to some friends including my buddy John and I told them what I had done. Every one of them laughed their asses off at my audacity and, as the night wore on and the drinks flowed, five of them decided to join on my next trip to the Witnesses homes.

Four times over the next week, we closed the bar down and climbed into Danny T.’s van and ‘visited’ the same houses until finally, one old guy swore that he would promise to talk to his congregation and convince them to stop making ‘cold calls’ to local homes.

From that day until after I moved from that house, I occasionally found leaflets stuck inside my storm door but never once had a knock on my door from a Jehovah’s Witness.

Looks like I'm gonna have to do it all again because they've started showing up again where I live now. I've told them to leave me alone twice now. If they show up again...I'm gonna he renew my friggin' Jihad!

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Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Trick or Treat

Tonight, I finally found time to sit down and finish the “Billionaire Party” story and after a few minutes of thinking about it, I came to a not-so startling realization I suppose….

I don’t remember a whole hell of lot about what happened after the asshole got his nuts crushed!! I do remember bits and pieces but, to be honest, it’s mostly a random bunch of disconnected events.

Who would have thought massive amounts of vodka, beer, pot and an equatorial line of cocaine would diminish ones ability to remember?

Go figure.

Having said this, I must deliver a trick as opposed to a treat on this Halloween Night!

It’s really embarrassing because normally (or should I say ‘usually’) I just sit down and stuff springs from my mind to the keyboard but, in this instance

I’m friggin’ LOST!!

I DO remember however, that Dan, the rich dude, paid me $400.00 after yankin’ my chain all night. He said it was ‘combat pay’ because I had gotten punched out by the ‘crushed nuts’ guy.

I also remember that Victoria got pissed off and left because I was playing ‘Cheater’s Poker’ rather than paying attention to her.

The funniest thing I remember is that, the next day, John C. and I were supposed to play golf the next day at Hawksnest at 4:00 pm so he had slept downstairs at my place. I woke up at around 2:00 pm and went downstairs to find him but he was nowhere to be found.

I looked all over but…he was gone!

I went into the kitchen and noticed a bunch of seeds and tangerine peelings in my sink.

John had obviously gotten up and eaten a bunch of two month old tangerines which were in a bowl on the kitchen table!!

I called his house but, there was no answer.

I went back to bed and slept for hours.

The next morning, I finally got a call from John.

The following is a true recollection of that call.


“Hello” I said.

“It’s me.”

“What happened to you dickhead? We had a 4:00 tee time yesterday asshole!” I shouted.

“Aw man…ah wanted to play. Ah got all mah stuff in the car when it happened!” He explained.

“What happened?” I enquired.

“Mah separator went out on me!” He said.

I was getting pissed!

“What?" I demanded.

“Mah gotdamned separator went out on me and ah could’nt help it!” He explained.

“Your car fucked up?” I asked.

“No dude!” he shouted. “Mah gotdamned SEPARATOR fucked up!”

I racked my brain to understand but, I had no friggin’ idea what he meant.

“John….what the hell are you talking about?” I demanded.

“Dude…ah got all mah stuff in the car when, all of the sudden ah got me this tremendous urge to fart so, naturally, ah hike up mah leg and let it rip.” He told me.

“So?” I prompted.

“Well, that’s when my shit/fart separator went out on me on and ah flat out shit mah gotdamned pants!” He said.

I laughed so hard that I was fearful of my own ‘separator’.

“Laugh all yuns want you sumbitch but my poor old Mama was standin’ raht beside me when I shat mahself!”

All I could do was hang up the phone.

To this day, I think that’s the hardest I’ve ever laughed in my life!

You had to be there I guess.

My schedule is looking better this week so….

I’ll see ya’ll again soon….I HOPE!

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