Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Have A Good Weekend

I'm gonna be away for the weekend. I hope ya'll have a great one...we intend to do the same.

Michelle and I have decided that this would be a good time to 'get away from it all'. The leaves are turning and the temperatures are plunging. It's already 35 degrees!

It'll be below thirty by morning and it feels like snow. We're going to 'commune with nature...and each other tomorrow'...should be fun!

I'll see ya'll soon.

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

The Billionaire Party

This is the story about the time I played a private party for a billionaire. Ok…I’m not sure if he was actually a billionaire but, if he wasn’t a billionaire, this sumbitch was only a few bucks away from it!

As a result of my brilliant negotiating skills, I had agreed to play for the staggering sum of $34.00.

What the hell….it should be interesting!

The party was to take place on a Sunday afternoon and Dan, the rich dude, had promised to have someone pick me up at my place and swing by Nick’s to pick up my sound system. I was to be ready at 3:00 and, sure enough, my doorbell rang at exactly 3:00.
When I opened the door, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Standing there, in a hot pink bikini was a six foot black haired, large busted woman wearing a limo driver’s hat!

This was in late October as I recall and it was pretty damned cool outside as evidenced by the prominence of her nipples under the bikini top!

“Sir, I’ve come to collect you and take you to the party.” She said in a clipped British accent.

I laughed.

“Well darlin’, you can consider my ass ‘collected’.” I said. “You want a jacket or something?”

“No sir….I am quite comfortable.” She stated without a hint of expression.

“OOOKay…” I chuckled. “If you’re comfortable, I’m damned happy about it.”

I could detect the hint of a smile at the corners of her blue lips.

This poor girl was freezing!

“Come on in while I grab my stuff.” I said.

She looked a bit hesitant until I added.

“Girl…I appreciate the view but get in here before those high beams pop off! You’ve gotta be freezing.” I laughed.

She finally melted and laughed.

“Well, if you insist. I think my bloody bum is about to drop off!”

I let her in and pointed her towards the Monitor heater in the living room. I rushed over and cranked it up while I went to get her a blanket. When I returned, she grabbed it and proceeded to do that, ‘Dear God I’m freezing to death’ teeth chattering thing that girls do so well.

I was laughing.

“I hope that crazy sumbitch is paying you well!” I said.

She looked at me and frowned.

“Dan? Paying me?” she giggled. “The sneaky bastard snookered me into this!”

“Well, don’t feel too bad, he got me too.” I told her. "I'm playin' for $34.00!"

I got my stuff together and told her that I was ready to go.

She looked reluctant to leave just then.

“Well, if we must.” She said.

“Darlin’, if you wanna hang out here all day, you won’t get an argument from me.” I said.

She smiled.

“Don’t get any ideas….I’m a happily married woman.”

That surprised me a bit to say the least.

“How does your husband feel about you doing this?” I asked.

“He’s the bastard that sent me!” She snapped.

“I thought you said Dan sent you.”

She laughed.

“Dan IS my husband.” She replied. “I’m Jane.”

Well damn…I had just seen him last night and he introduced me to his girlfriend, Diane. I was confused but, not wanting to stir up any crap, I let it go.

After fifteen minutes or so, she told me that she was ready to go. I carried my stuff to the stretch Caddy and climbed in. She got in the driver’s seat and pulled off. It took only fifteen minutes to arrive at Nick’s.

As I walked into Nick’s I was surprised to see John, Scotty and George sitting at the bar. Remember, this the Sunday afternoon after a LONG Saturday night!

“What the hell are you guys doin’ here?” I asked.

“In case you forgot….I own the fuckin’ place!” George snarled.

“Ahm waitin’ for yun’s!” John drawled. “I’m assumin’ our chariot has done arroved.”

I looked at Scotty who was nursing both a hangover AND a Bloody Mary.

“Yeah….we’re goin’ to the party with you.” He grinned. “We wouldn’t wanna miss this one.”

“So, ya’ll were invited?” I asked innocently.

“George done got hisself invited…me and Scotty is goin’ to be yun’s roadies!” John said with a wry grin. “All yuns rock stars has got to have yer roadies.”

I just laughed and headed to the back room.

Seated at the table directly in front of the stage were four impatient looking young guys.

“Are you Ron?” one of them asked as he stood up.

“Yeah…I am…who are ya’ll?” I asked.

“We’re here to haul your equipment to Dan’s place.” He said.

In a matter of less than thirty minutes, they had moved everything out to a panel truck.

The three amigos and I climbed into the limo and we were off!

We traveled less than twenty minutes straight up winding mountain roads until we arrived at an ornate gate. The gorgeous driver pushed a button on the visor and the gates opened. We followed a long uphill black top driveway until we came to a large log home. I had been expecting a HUGE home but…it really was pretty modest. Not a mansion.

As we got out of the car, Dan came jogging out to meet us. He grabbed my hand and shook it enthusiastically.

“Glad to see you made it!” He said as he looked warily at John and Scotty.

I could sense his puzzlement.

“John and Scott are shameless freeloaders who are crashing your party but they’re gonna swear that they are my ‘roadies’.” I explained.

He shook their hands and laughed.

“Ya’ll are welcome guys…I should have thought to invite you.” He said graciously.

John, emboldened by Dan’s good manners, couldn’t resist showing his ass.

“Ah will overlook yunsis oversite sir.” He feigned indignation. “Of course, ah cain’t blame yuns for not invitin’ old Scotty….he’s not ‘zactly the sort of fellow we cultured folks wants to associate with.”

Dan looked at me.

“What the fuck did he just say?” He asked me.

“He said, ‘Thanks for not kickin’ his sorry ass off the place.” I laughed.

Dan laughed.

“Ya’ll come on in.” He said. “My guys will get your stuff inside Ron.”

We followed him through the foyer and I was amazed at what I saw or rather, what I didn’t see. While it was a really nice place, it sure didn’t look like what I thought a billionaire’s house would look like.

There were very few people there yet but Dan explained that guests would be arriving in an hour or so. He led us down a wrought iron staircase which descended two floors. As we cleared the second floor below, I saw where Dan had spent his money!

Now THIS was what I was expecting!

“Welcome to ‘Party Central’ boys.” Dan said.

George had been there before so, of course, it was no surprise for him but John and I were basically stunned.

Party Central was the coolest bar I’d ever seen or even heard of.

Dan took us on a tour of the place. Along one wall was the bar which he said had once graced an English Pub and had been built in the 1820’s. The damned thing featured a massive bar back with ornate carvings and mirrors and the bar itself was over twenty feet long with hand carved statues of Victorian figures which served as posts. Brass was gleaming everywhere. Three extremely ornate antique billiard tables were strategically placed around the huge room and I can’t begin to describe all the cool stuff hanging on the walls. In the far corner of the room there was a hot tub big enough to swim in. Just to the right of the hot tub was a similar sized wading pool complete with a few real stone waterfalls. The small pool emptied into a channel which led through a solid glass wall which allowed you to swim out of the room into an enclosed Olympic sized swimming pool which featured two small islands!

As if that weren’t enough, there were a half dozen video games, an antique popcorn machine, the coolest juke box I’d ever seen built into the front end of a ’57 Chevy, a friggin’mechanical bull, a dozen or so TV’s, a large dance floor complete with a laser light show, antique dart boards, and through a miniature marque sign, a movie theater which could seat thirty people. I’m sure there was more but, that’s enough for now.

We ‘oohed and ahhed’ the entire time we walked around the place. When the tour was finished, I was almost speechless. Of course, John wasn’t.

“Damn dude, yuns ain’t gon believe this shit but my place looks almost exactly like this sumbitch!” He grinned. “ Course…ah gotta tell yuns….that fuckin’ movie thee-ator is just plumb showin’ off!”

Dan laughed and looked at me.

“Do ya’ll have to sign this little fucker out everyday?” He asked with a smile.

“Yeah, somebody will be by soon to pick him up and haul his nutty ass back to the farm.” I laughed.

Fuck both a yuns!” John snapped. “Whar’s a fella get a beverage around this dive?”

Dan took us over to the bar and told John to tend bar until the real bartender showed up. John looked as though he’d been given the keys to heaven. Dan said he had to go do a couple of things but that he’d be right back.

After he left all of us sitting there, John filled our orders.

“Dan's one helluva good ole boy for a feller what’s got money.” John said seriously. “I think ahm gonna let him adopt me.”

“John, you’ll be lucky if he lets your crazy ass stay till the damned party’s over.” George chuckled.

“Hell, everybody loves ole Johnny…..yuns gotta admit it.” John beamed from ear to ear. "Ahm a lovable sort of feller!"

“It’s true John, everybody loves you but, then again….everybody loves a freakin’ monkey too. Of course, not many folks want one in their house!” Scotty growled.

John opened his mouth to speak but stopped dead in his tracks. He just stared across the room. I followed his gaze as did George and Scotty.

“Sweet Mother of Pearl!” George whispered.

Six gorgeous women had just come down the stairs wearing the skimpiest thongs imaginable. One by one, they got into the hot tub. One of them was Diane, Dan’s girlfriend.

One of them was my tall ‘limo driver’Dan’s wife!

“Lucky for me ah I thought to bring mah Speedo!” John stated.

We cracked up.

“John, if I see your fat ass in a Speedo, I swear I’ll drown you in that freakin’ hot tub!” I warned.

“You boys might as well keep your pants on, every one of those little darlin’s are married.” George said with a hint of sadness. “See the one Cuban lookin’ chick? She’s married to a linebacker in the NFL and he’s here tonight.”

George told us who he was and I made myself a promise that I would gouge my eyes out before I even glanced at his wife. Some of ya’ll would know who he is and he’s a bad dude.

“George, Dan’s got some industrial strength balls to have his girlfriend and his wife in the house at the same time!” I was amazed at his audacity.

He laughed.

“Hell… balls to it dude. They both live here but Jane spends most of her time at their place in South Beach.” He told me. “They’ve got an agreement.”

“She told me not to get any ideas about hittin’ on her because she was a happily married woman.” I said.

Scotty chimed in.

“Hmmm, let me see….she’s ‘pluck my eyes out’ gorgeous, married to a filthy rich dude, travels the world in style, AND she has her own place in South Beach ….yep…I’d say she’s fuckin’ happily married!”

We were watching…ok…we were ogling the bevy of beauties when Dan came back and asked me to come with him.

I followed.

“Where do you want to set up?” he asked.

I had been thinking of that so I pointed to a spot to the left of the bar. It was a likely spot where the acoustics would probably be good and I could also see the whole room and I could see what was going on! An added bonus was its close proximity to the bar.

He went to the intercom on the wall and spoke to someone. A couple of minutes later, the guys showed up and delivered my sound system. Dan told me to start anytime I felt like it after the guests, approximately 150 in number had arrived.

I got busy setting the stuff up and running the cables. He asked if I needed anything and I told him I was good to go.

He left me again.

Over the next half hour or so, people started filing in. As I was setting up and checking sound, I ‘people watched’.

Most of the guests were obviously wealthy, under forty ‘beautiful people’ types. I was surprised however, to see a Hall of Fame NFL head coach, a Hall of Fame retired quarterback, a soon to be Hall of Fame (he now is in the H.O.F.) quarterback as well as a well known actor and the aforementioned NFL linebacker.

Pretty cool I thought.

There were also three NASCAR drivers, one of which is now dead but, not being a NASCAR fan…I wasn’t all that impressed with them.

What really impressed me was the fact that there were also a bunch of ‘regular’ folks from the area. Dan really wasn’t a pretentious guy…he didn’t give a shit who his friends were as long as they were good people.

After a bit, when I was just finishing setting up, I turned on the system and played part of a song as I always do to check the sound. When I quit playing to make some adjustments, a guy came up to me who looked vaguely familiar.

“You might wanna to crank up the sound a little bit, it’s gonna to get loud I believe.” He said. “Just my opinion but I think you need a bit more reverb too.”

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.” I said. “Are you a musician?”

“Yes I am.” He said without elaborating.

“Really, what do you play?” I asked.


“Cool, maybe we can pick some together.” I offered.

“Who knows?” He said noncommittally. “Depends on how it goes tonight. I’m pretty tired and I’ve been on the road for six months without a break till last week.”

“No shit?” I said. “Who are you? I’m Ron D.” I stuck out my hand which he accepted.

“Nice to meet you, I’m John X.” He told me and I damn near passed out!

Hell, I was a big fan of this guy for years but, he hadn’t done much of anything new in a few years and, he looked a lot older than he did when I was following his career.

“I’ll be damned John…we met ten years ago at Bill’s Pickin’ Parlor in West Columbia, SC.” I said. “I don’t expect you to remember me but we met through Dale M.” I said.

He laughed and looked a little sheepish.

“Sorry, I’ve met a lot of people and smoked a lot of pot so….I’m lucky if I remember where I’ve been much less who I've met!” He laughed.

“Yeah, I know all about that short term memory loss shit.” I laughed. “Well I hope you realize that you being here just took three songs off of my list!” I told him.

He looked to be honestly embarrassed.

“Really?” He grinned. “Hell, I’m honored but, play ‘em anyway….or, we can play ‘em together if you’re worth a damn!”

“Well, you can bet your ass I ain’t playin’ ‘em without you.” I promised him. “I’m not that friggin’ brave…or that good.”

“Tell you what….let’s us go out on the deck and burn one.” He suggested. “We can talk about all the shit we’ve forgotten.”

I walked upstairs with him and found that the deck was full of people doing the same thing. We looked at each other and laughed as he produced a joint and fired it up. He took a big hit and passed it to me. We stood there smoking until it was gone. I had a great buzz going on before we’d finished the joint.

“Oh shit.” I said.

“What?” He asked.

“I’m as stoned as a monkey.” I told him. “That’s some good shit.”

“Yeah, it ain’t bad is it?” He answered. “My bass player smoked one with me last week in Memphis and I forgot the words to my own fuckin’ songs!”

I laughed.

“Shit, I do that without smokin’ pot!”

We were standing there talking when Dan came rushing up.

“Ron, I’m payin’ you very little money to play so…let’s get going!” He was smiling. “I see you’ve met this trouble maker.” He pointed to John who just chuckled and took a big swig of beer.

“Oh yeah…this poor son of bitch ain’t gonna be able to tune his fuckin’ guitar much less play it!” He laughed like hell.

“You better hope he can or you’re gonna play tonight!” Dan said.
“Like hell I will!” He said. “I smoked that wicked shit with him!”

Well, give me some.” Dan demanded.

“Nope….this shit is for musicians only.” He claimed. “We are highly trained to smoke this kind of weed. Hell, Elvis died smoking this shit!”

Just then, a pretty little blonde came up to us.

“Excuse me but, you’re John X aren’t you?” She asked.

“Yes, I’m afraid I am.” He said.

“Would you come meet my girlfriends?” She asked.

He looked at me and Dan with a sly grin.

“Gotta go boys…good luck on that playin’ thing Ron.” He said.

He left without another word.

Dan laughed.

“He’s a cool little sumbitch ain’t he?”

“Yeah, he seems to be.” I answered.

“So….you gonna be able to play?” He asked.

“Hell yeah, I’ll get going in a few minutes.” I answered. “I’ve just gotta remember how to get back downstairs.”

He laughed and led me back inside.

We walked downstairs together to find that the party was in full swing. We walked over to the bar where I discovered that John C. had been replaced as bartender by a statuesque red headed girl in a green bikini which looked like it had been painted on. I looked at Dan and laughed.

“I like your style Daniel.” I told him.

“Thanks….I do what I can big guy.”

I sat there and drank a few beers, ate some chicken wings and later, accepted the offer of a line of coke laid out on the antique bar by a good looking older woman who told me that musicians made her horny.

This was gonna be a night to remember…if I could actually remember it afterwards!

Once the coke kicked in, I was no longer stoned…I was ready to play!

And so, around eight o’clock, I switched on the sound system and started to play.

To Be Continued………..

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Howdy Ya'll

Boy, it’s been a busy few days! Life gets in the way of blogging at times but, I’ll be posting a new tale tonight I hope. It’s been getting cold up here and it’s gonna get colder soon. They are calling for possible snow in the next couple of days, by the weekend for sure.


While I was writing some stuff for work today, I watched/listened to an old movie called “Inferno” starring Rhonda Flemming. Dear Lord that woman was GORGEOUS! Is it just me or have they stopped makin’ ‘em like that?

Just asking.

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