Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Nick's Continued

First off........

I have an announcement to make....

Brace yourselves..........


God LOVES Me! Michelle and I have the house back to ourselves!

Long story short....she went back to her moron husband!

They deserve each other!

Ok....back to the tale.

When we left our story, I had just become acquainted with three of the funniest people I’d ever met.

These guys were a hoot!

I’m not really sure what it is about this area but I swear….there are more characters per square foot here than anywhere else I’ve ever been!

I soon began to realize that the High Country literally attracts strange people.

Believe me; I’m not excluding myself from this assessment. I’m a bit of an odd duck myself but damn!

I’ve met some folks up here who make me look like Ward friggin’ Cleaver!!

This story will continue soon but, I’m going to have to make the following statement……..

Ya’ll may believe that I’m making this stuff up but, I’m gonna tell ya’ll about some of the folks I’ve actually met and gotten to know since I’ve lived here.

Damn the potential lawsuits!

Hell, this oughta be fun….at least until I get suedOR shot!

Here’s a partial list of folks ya’ll will be meeting in the near future.

Hell, I needed to write this shit down anyway before my brain cells shut down permanently.

For those of you who are new to this blog, you can refer to the archives if you are interested in reading about “The Double L Club” and the “Groupie From Hell” so…I won’t include them in the following list of crazy people I have met while living up here. Not that they weren’t crazy but…I’ve already written about ‘em.

Check them out if you’re interested.

Here goes………

It could take quite a while to finish this tale.

Ya’ll are gonna meet an honest to goodness Mafia kingpin, several underlings of the same aforementioned kingpin, a delusional woman who just recently killed a guy with a frying pan, a one armed local politician who is now under house arrest for doing the right thing, a couple of backwoods survivalist freaks, several tree hugging left wing moonbats, dozens of folks who are the product of years and years of inbreeding, crooks, con men, a professional cock fighter (the animal…not the organ), a four hundred pound Elvis impersonator who looks NOTHING like Elvis but sounds JUST like him, an international drug smuggler, an asshole millionaire, a really nice billionaire, the worst magician in the world, a time share salesman with a lisp, a cop who made Barney Fife look like Elliot friggin’ Ness, a Frenchman with a dark past, a maniacal midget golf pro, a Hitler-esque ski resort manager, a woman who insisted that I play "The Dance" three times every single night, a wannabe Green Beret, a FUNNY alcoholic state senator, a crooked sheriff, a coke freak bartender, a group of the worst wealthy poker players on the planet, an insane Yankee woman, a defrocked priest, a thirty four year old virgin Indian girl, a drunken airline pilot with a death wish, a woman who killed a truck, a moron who got busted at the Scotchman Store for smoking a joint while parked beside the ONE cop car on duty in the entire county, and of course, last, but certainly the MOST……….ya’ll are gonna meet the most wonderful woman God ever created, my wife….Michellle!

So…this tale will continue and I hope ya’ll enjoy it…..I damn sure did!!

Or.......I could write about how I cut the grass, trimmed my nails and straightened up my workshop today.

Damn it was messy!

It's your call!

Let me know which ya'll would prefer....hey, I'm flexible!!

More tomorrow.

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Thursday, September 28, 2006


I’ve written about a place called “Nick’s” before in a story I wrote called “The Groupie From Hell” but, last night, I was talking to my old playing partner Tony and was reminded of how I came to play at "Nick’s" so….I figured I’d share the tale with ya’ll.

The Story Begins

I had just moved up here after going through a divorce and I didn’t know anybody but honestly, I was in a “hermit” mode at the time. I had gotten burned out on living in Columbia and, quite frankly, I decided to completely change my life. My brother had also just gone through HIS second divorce so; we just decided to chuck everything and quite literally…..head to the hills!

My brother already had a girlfriend who made the move with us so; I was left to my own devices in the night life department. I didn’t know a living soul up here and really had no idea where I was going when I left the house that night but I headed for Banner Elk just for the hell of it.

I had visited the area a few times in the past but, not being a skier, I had never hung out near the ski resorts. Banner Elk, in the winter, is definitely a skier’s hangout but this was autumn and the place was a ghost town.

As I got to the intersection at the top of the mountain, I noticed a sign announcing “Nick’s Restaurant and Pub”. Having no other plans, I figured I would just pop in to check the place out.

I walked in and was immediately impressed with the place. The main room featured a wrap around bar about 60 feet long. The décor was simple but nice. There were musical instruments hung all over the bar and the lighting was good. There were maybe a dozen people at the bar and another dozen or so seated at tables in the main dining area.

Taking a seat at the bar closest to the door, I ordered a beer from the attractive blonde bar tender and eavesdropped on the conversation taking place three barstools away to the left of me.

Three guys were sitting there joking back and forth. I came to know them very well after that night.

Let me introduce them.

George…the owner. George was a small good looking fiftyish little guy with longish black hair. He had a way of handling himself that implied that he could be your best friend or he could shoot you in the ass if you pissed him off. He loved to laugh and always reminded me (still does) of a mischievous leprechaun. Most women loved him and the majority of men liked him as well.

Scotty…the manager. Scotty was about the same size as George. He was also his cousin and in his early thirties. Scotty was quick with a joke, equally quick with his fists and one of the most sarcastic little shits I’ve ever known.

John C.... John is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. At the time I first met him, was a career college student who had been tossed out of several schools over the years only to finish up his so-called education at our local diploma mill, Lees McRae College or, as the locals called it, "L.M.C" (last motherfuckin' chance).

John still lived in his parents basement. His Dad was well to do and, at the time, he financed John’s existence. Ole John was very intelligent but spoke with a hilariously over done, exaggerated mountain accent and a twinkle in his eye. He looked like a cross between Jack Black and Jon Lovitz. A true character if I’ve ever known one.

As I sat there eavesdropping, John was raising hell.

“Fuck yuns both!” he said loudly.

“John, watch your gotdamned mouth!” George said. “Keep it down…there’s decent people in here.”

John leaned in close and whispered.

“Well pardon the hell out of my volume but I still say….Fuck yuns!” he hissed.

“Ok John, you tell us….when’s the last time you got laid?” Scotty asked.

“Yuns swar yuns won’t tell nobody?” he asked.

They both swore.

“I’ll be askin’ yuns for yer handshake on that pledge.” He said as he offered his hand which they both shook.

He leaned in, looking around as if to make sure no one was listening

“Boys, I got laid just last naht and son, I felt the fuckin’ earth move!” he grinned.

“Yeah, sure you did John…..what’s her name?” George scoffed.

“You boys just shook her.” He roared. “I ain't washed her yet either!” He laughed while waving his hand in front of their faces.

George and Scotty both looked at their right hands, stood up and went to the restroom without saying a word.

John laughed and looked at me. He had obviously seen that I had been listening.

I was laughing too.

“I got them smart assed sumbitches didn’t I?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess you did at that.” I answered.

He stepped over and introduced himself.

“Ahm John....nice to meet yuns." He said, offering his hand to me.

“I’m Ron.” I laughed as I looked warily at his outstretched hand. “You can put that nasty sumbitch away! I ain't shakin' it."

He acted shocked.

“I would normally punch you in the mouth but, yuns appear to be a fella what’s not to be trifled with!” He said with a wry grin.

“Well, if that means we ain’t gonna fight then, you’re right…I’m a bad friggin’ dude!” I laughed.

“Yuns just visitin’?” he asked.

“No, actually I just moved here recently, I live on Seven Devils.” I explained.

“Oh really, what yuns do to pay the bills?” he drawled.

“I’m a musician.”

“Where yuns playin’?” he asked.

“Well, I’m not playing anywhere right now.” I told him.

He gave that some thought and then said.

“That don’t sound like it pays very good.” He said. “Ah well….like I always say… fuck a bunch of bills!”

I was still laughing when George and Scotty came back.

“Boys….I want yuns to meet Ron…he’s a musician who don’t actually play no fuckin’ music!” he said.

I shook their hands and grinned.

“Is this silly sumbitch for real?” I asked, nodding at John.

“Oh yeah, he’s real alright.” Scotty growled. “He’s a real fucking moron.”

“Damn Scotty, there you go runnin’ down them poor old morons again.” George said.

Scotty looked me over and with a smirk on his face asked me.

“You play in a band?”

“No, I think I’m just gonna do a solo thing for awhile.” I told him. “Accoustic guitar stuff.”

“Do you sing too?” he asked, again with a smirk.

“No, I can’t carry a friggin’ tune on a serving tray but I do card tricks while I’m playing.” I said sarcastically.

“You don’t look like a muscian….you look like a fuckin’ linebacker.” George laughed.

“I did play football for awhile till I discovered that music’s a hell of a lot less painful.”

Scott looked dubious.

“Any sumbitch can say they’re a fuckin’ musician.” He snarled.

I laughed and looked at George.

“This little fucker’s a real charmer ain’t he?”

“Yeah, he’s a people person.” He laughed. "He fuckin' hates everybody!"

“Who you callin’ a little fucker?” Scotty demanded.

You....unless of couse you're carryin' a gun.” I grinned.

“He ain’t carryin’ a gun dude but he IS a fuckin’ billion degree black belt in Karate.” George laughed.

Without missing a beat I said.

“You know….on second thought…you’re a lot bigger than you looked at first.” I laughed. "'re a Big sumbitch."

Scotty thought it over a second and smiled.

“I’m really not a black belt.” He said.

“Well, I’m not really a fighter……I’m allergic to pain.” I laughed.

After that, we sat there for an hour or so, talking shit and laughing. The recurring joke during that time was that I wasn’t really a musician. I laughed and shrugged off their barbs. Finally, George, who obviously had a buzz, spoke up.

“I don’t believe you can play a gotdamned radio much less a fuckin' guitar big boy!”

John jumped off his barstool and looked at me.

“Yuns has been called out!” he shouted dramatically. “Yuns has got to defend your honor 'new guy'….yuns gotta go get yuns guitar!”

These guys were nuts!

“He don’t even own a damned guitar!” Scotty prodded me.

I was still laughing when George, who I would later learn, would bet on ANYTHING, looked at me with a deadpan stare.

“I’ve got twenty bucks that says you can’t even play ‘Happy fuckin’ Birthday’ on a guitar.” He growled.

“I wouldn’t play ‘Happy Birthday’ for less than fifty bucks.” I joked.

He stood up, reached in his pocket and withdrew a fat wad of cash. He flipped through the bills for a second or two.

“Hell, all I’ve got is hundreds.” He proclaimed.

“I’ll take a hundred.” I said.

He thought about it for a second or two until John began making chicken sounds. After a few bars of ‘Bawk, Bawk, Bawk’ by John, Scotty joined the chorus. ''It sounded like a retarded chicken coop.

Finally, George had heard enough!

“Allright…let’s make it a hundred.” He snapped. “BUT…..these folks have gotta be the judge if you’re a fuckin’ real musician or not!” He swept his arm to encompass the sparse crowd.

“You’re on.” I said as I stood up and finished my beer.

Side Note: This was the time of year in the High Country when folks get BORED! The period between the summer influx and ski season is as dead as Abe Lincoln and George was just looking to liven things up. He could have cared less about listening to some dick head play music! Hell, I once saw him bet a guy a hundred bucks on which would walk through the front door next….a man or a woman.

I fished my keys out of my pocket and told him I’d be back in twenty minutes. Then I called to the bartender, Shelley, so I could pay my tab.

George laughed.

“See there!!!” he yelled. “We ain’t never gonna see this lyin' fucker again!”

“I’ll be back George…I don’t have any beer at home!” I laughed.

“Yuns better come back my man….yuns honor is at stake!” John proclaimed. "This here's a small town. Yuns ain't gonna be able to show yuns face if you back out now!"

I went home, got my guitar and was back in less than twenty minutes.

As I walked into the bar, John stood up and welcomed me.

“I KNEW you had a fuckin’ git-fiddle!” he shouted. “BUT…..ladies and gentleman…can he play that sumbitch?”

People were laughing at his antics as I put my guitar down on the bar and opened the case.

“I’m gonna play one of my favorite songs…ya’ll oughta really like this one.” I declared.

I pulled the guitar out and checked the tuning. Once I was sure that it was way out of tune, I started playing a deliberately horrible rendition of ‘Tequila Sunrise’ complete with butchered chords, bad timing and forgotten lyrics.

As I played, I could see that even though they were true smartasses, they were really way too nice to react unfavorably and embarrass me. I could see them exchanging looks between themselves which clearly implied that they wished I would shut the hell up and SOON! Hell, they were embarassed FOR me!

When I finished, believe or not, there was a smattering of polite applause from what had to be a group of tone deaf people but not from George and the boys. I could tell that no one wanted to say anything at all.

They just wanted me to stop playing.

I couldn’t resist.

“See, I told you I could play!” I grinned at George. “Where’s my money?”

George shifted on his barstool uncomfortably and just sat there with a blank look on his face. His jaw was damn near hitting the bar.

You could have heard a pin drop in the place.

I was laughing my ass off inside.

I looked at John for approval.

He buried his face in his hands not saying a word.

I looked expectantly at Scotty but, he just hung his head but said nothing.

It was hard to keep a straight face.

“Ok, Ok, I guess ya’ll want to hear some more.” I said eagerly.

I could tell they were panicking at the thought of hearing another train wreck but again, they couldn’t bring themselves to insult me. As I waited for someone to say something, I re-tuned the guitar.

Once done, I started playing “A Little Detour” by Leroy Parnell....this time for real.

One by one the three amigos heads came popping up and smiles crossed there faces. They began to realize that I had sandbagged them.

When I finished, the place broke into applause and George was grinning from ear to ear as he slapped the hundred bucks on the bar.

“You’re a sneaky mutherfucker ain’t you?” he laughed. “You got anymore?”

Just then, John walked over and draped his arm around my shoulders.

“Mah client has ast me to negotiate on his behalf.” He said. “This here feller is a friggin’ sensitve arteest, not a bidness man!”

“John, sit the fuck down and shut up.” George growled. “Unless of course, you would rather negotiate your past due bar tab?”

John looked at me and shrugged his shoulders helplessly.

“Sorry dude, yuns is on your own.” He said. “A man’s gotta have his priorties straight and mah tab is woefully in arrears!”

To Be Continued Tomorrow.....

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A Busy Boy

I have been a busy boy lately but I am hammering out a new tale. I had already written one all about some famous and semi famous people I have played and/or partied with. There is also one really famous one that I pissed off royally but, upon further consideration, one or more of them would probably sue the hell out of me so....that one is one the back burner for now.

In the meantime, ya'll may have seen this before but I stumbled onto it and thought ya'll might want to check it out. It's the perfect proof that the idiots who claim that the evil Republicans duped the innocent Democrats over the war in Iraq are lying pieces of feces. It is a fact that Liberals (not to be confused with honest, albiet misguided Democrats) are betting on the American public's short attention span and ignorance. Can anyone look at this montage and honestly claim that Bush, Cheney or Rove are responsible for these quotes which come out of the lying mouths of the very folks who now claim that Bush Lied? If so, please stay the hell off of my're a friggin' moron!

Check it out

See ya'll soon.

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

A Beautiful Autumn Morning

We woke up to a beautiful morning, it was a bit chilly, 42 degrees but, it's up to 66 now. I love this time of year in the mountains. The picture was taken off our front deck a few minutes ago. The leaves have been changing for a few weeks now and the Maple trees are really starting to turn.

I've been busy with business stuff and frustrated with trying to get my SIL to go somewhere, anywhere but here!! The woman is a bonafied NUT! Life will be back to perfect once she is gone.

I'm gonna try and post a story later today if I can knock out some work!

Ya'll have a good one.

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Monday, September 25, 2006

Carl's Corner...The End...For Now!

In the last installment of this story, Tony had me howling as he fixated on David’s malodorous demise. Elizabeth and Josef were, apparently, still at her place making the beast with two backs and people were back at Carl’s as though no one had been killed the night before.

Back To The Tale……..

Thankfully, Tony finally shut the hell up and left to order something to eat. Patsy and I were sitting at the bar when Dex came walking in. She and I looked at each other in disbelief; I don’t think either of us expected to see him back tonight.

He sat beside Patsy and ordered a drink.

“How you doin’ Dex?” I asked.

He looked at me and then at Patsy. There was a strange look on his face and as he started say something, he buried his face in his hands and his shoulder began shaking. Patsy reached over and put her right arm around him. He continued like that for a few seconds. Just then, Carla placed his drink on the bar in front of him. Immediately, he straightened up and broke into a big smile.

“Damn!” he shouted. “I didn’t think that drink would EVER get here!”

Patsy, Carla and I laughed.

“You’re an asshole!” Patsy said as she slapped him in the back of the head.

“Well, I’m glad to see you’re ok.” I said sarcastically.

“Why the hell shouldn’t I be?” he asked. “If you’re waiting on me to get all torn up over waxing that fuckin’ prick, you’ll be waiting on that AND your retirement checks at the same time.”

I just shook my head in disbelief.

“Man, you are one cold sumbitch.” I laughed. “How did you sleep last night?”

“I slept like a friggin’ baby on Valium.” He chuckled. “How ‘bout ya’ll?”

“Actually, once I got home, I slept just fine but, then again, I didn’t kill somebody.” I laughed.

“Shit, I didn’t kill anybody either.” He snarled. “I put a mothefucker out of everybody’s misery. He was a piece of shit that tried to shoot Liz and he’d been bleedin’ her dry for years! My only regret is that I didn’t think to empty the clip in his sorry ass!”

“You don’t even feel a little bit bad?” Patsy asked.

He seemed to rack his brain a bit. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders and grinned.

“Nope, only that whole ‘emptying the clip into his sorry ass’ thing.” He said.

“Have I mentioned that you are one cold sumbitch?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think I caught that.” He chuckled.

I decided it was time to take a spin around the place before we started playing.

“Gotta go check on things.” I said.

I headed back to the kitchen to see if Allan had cut his arm off or something. As I started back that way I heard a commotion and turned to see six or seven people walk through the front door. They were led by a tall, skinny guy with short red hair who was talking loudly.

“Allright!” he shouted. “Wake up everybody, I’m here now...let's party!”

Suddenly a LOUD horn sounded damn near deafening everyone in the place. He was holding an air horn like you would see at a football game high in his right hand.

I started to walk over and tell him to leave the air horn outside but, everyone was laughing good naturedly so…I kept walking to the kitchen.

The air horn sounded again, this time for at least three seconds.

Again, I let it pass. Hell, this wasn’t exactly a country club after all.

Before I could reach the kitchen, the horn sounded yet AGAIN. This time, the asshole held down the button for damned near thirty seconds.

Ok….that’s it! I didn’t give a shit who thought it was funny, I was gonna have a talk with that guy.

I hurried back to the main room just as he let loose with another, longer blast which continued until I had reached the spot where he was standing. He was just in front of the pool room when I stood in front of him and motioned for him to knock it off by slashing my hand across my throat several times.

He stopped.

“Do us all a favor and stop with the horn please.” I said calmly. “It was funny the first time but, put it away man.”

He looked me up and down.

“Who the hell are you?” He asked.

I offered my hand and he took it warily.

“I’m Ron and, fuck me to tears; I’m the new manager here.” I said.

He laughed.

“Nice to meet you Ron, I’m Eddie Snow.” He said. “I heard old Liz had hired some poor dumbass to run this place.”

He turned and looked at the crowd he’d come in with and grinned.

I could feel my blood pressure spike but…again....I tried to be polite. I had seen this type of jerk before or, at least I thought I had and I didn’t want to encourage this moron.

“Yeah well, she couldn’t come to terms with the dumbass so…she hired me instead…..I’m the only one who would take the job.” I laughed.

“All right!” he said. “This guy’s funny.” Again, he was grinning and playing to his audience.

Again, he looked at his little group of friends. He then reached in his pocket and pulled out a big wad of bills from which, he peeled off a twenty dollar bill and offered it to me.

“Ok Mr. Manager..why don't you run along and manage something.” He smirked.

Lord I wanted to deck this moron but….I held my temper.

“Mr. Snow, I don’t want your money.” I began politely.

Before I could finish, he peeled off another twenty and again, offered it to me.

“Is this enough for you to get out of my fuckin’ face and leave us the hell alone?” he asked.

I’m a nice guy but hell, I’m only human.

I slapped his hand away hard....the money went flying.

“Hey dude…I’m just messing with you!” he shouted while rubbing his hand.

He bent down, swept the cash off the floor and stood up. He was rubbing his wrist.

“Damn man, I’m just tryin’ to have some fun with you big man!” he smiled at me. “C’mon dude, let’s kiss and make up!”

He puckered his lips looking incredibly stupid.

“Just behave yourself." I said. “Spend a lot of money but don’t make a lot of noise.”

“YES SIR!” he said as he rendered a sarcastic salute.

I considered telling him to get the hell out but, going against my instincts, I didn’t.

“Remember what I said Mr. Snow. Behave yourself.” I warned him.

Again, he gave the same silly salute.

“YES SIR Mr. Ron!!” he shouted.

I just shook my head and turned to walk away.

“Hey Mr. Manager!” he shouted.

I turned around.

“Where’s Elizabeth?” he asked.

“I couldn’t tell you but, she’ll probably be here later.” I told him.

“I sure hope she does show up, I’m gonna have a word with her.” He grinned. “She ain’t gonna like the way you’re treatin’ me.”

“Listen Mr. Snow, I really don’t give a shit what you tell Elizabeth. Just behave yourself and we’ll get along fine.” I was fed up with this prick already.

“Yes sir Mr. Ron.” Again, he threw up his hand in a Gomer Pyle salute.

Again, I turned and walked a few steps.

“Oh Mr. Ron?” he called to me.

“What Mr. Snow?” I asked.

“How far you reckon you’d have gone if I hadn’t called you back?” He laughed as though no one had ever said it before.

I walked back to him.

“Mr. Snow, you have two choices. Go about your business and don’t involve me in it again or leave right now.” I warned.

He started to say something but, I held my hand up.

“Nope, not one more word to me or about me. Are we clear on that?” I asked. “Don’t talk, just nod your head. Not one word.”

To his credit, the moron did just as I ordered. He nodded.

“Ok, life is good again. Go have fun but, behave yourself.” I said.

He turned and walked back to the pool room but not before he muttered something under his breath. I just shook my head and kept walking.

I made my tour of the place then I went to find Tony. He was sitting at a table talking to a cute well tanned little brunette who was wearing a pink halter top.

“Are you ready to pick a few?” I asked.

“Sure but, I need to talk to you outside for a minute.” He said.

“What about?” I asked.

“Just trust me.” He grinned.

He told the young lady that he’d be right back and we walked outside. He kept walking till we reached the side of the building which opened into a small dirt lot with all manner of discarded items strewn about. Tires, an old porch swing, numerous old signs from long ago defunct businesses and, incredibly, the tail section of a helicopter.

I’d never been behind the place before then and made a mental note to have someone haul that crap off.

I pointed to the tail section.

“Where did you land the rest of it?” I asked.

“Funny.” He grunted. “You wanna do a bump?”

I never really did much cocaine. Well, for a normal person, I guess I did a shit load of it in my time but, luckily, never got hooked. I was one of those people who rarely, if ever, actually paid for it but, being around a lot of folks who were into it big time, I did more than my share I suppose.

Ok damn it! I guess I did quite a bit.

Shut up about it already!

Anyway, we tooted a couple of lines and smoked a joint. By the time we hit the front door, I was feeling ready! Ready to play some music, wash dishes, clean tables, work the bar and mop the floorsall at the same time!

Tony went over to talk to the object of his affection for the evening. I went to the bar where I ordered a beer AND a Kamikazi.

Side Note: As I write this stuff, it amazes me how bad my substance abuse in the old days sounds but, honestly, I don’t think anyone can say they ever saw me out of control or drunk. Buzzed, happy, silly, ready to go home and lie down at times….yes, but never ‘out of it’ but…there were times when I KNOW without a doubt that I snorted, smoked and drank enough to kill a friggin’ elephant! I’m not proud of it, but it’s the God’s honest truth. I just had a huge capacity and a strong constitution I guess. Of course, I was also ten foot tall and bullet proof back ‘in the day’……or thought I was.

Back to the tale…………..

As anyone knows who has done cocaine, the buzz doesn’t last long but, you never know exactly how intense the reaction will be, and I just remember that I was fired up even after smoking the joint so….I downed the Kamikazi.

Sorry, another quick side note……

Carl’s was in West Columbia, South Carolina which means the average temperature in the summer is roughly, HOTTER THAN THE GATES OF HELL so….unlike most musicians in other parts of the country, a lot of us ALWAYS wore shorts, t-shirts and usually flip flops or tennis shoes. No matter how low the thermostat is turned down in Columbia in the summer, it gets friggin’ HOT when a bar is packed and the doors open every few minutes. This night, as with MOST nights….I was wearing shorts.

This fact figures into the me.

Ok…now back to the story….again!

As I was standing at the bar, Eddie Snow walked up beside me and told Carla to give me a drink on him. I looked at him warily but, like the nice guy I am, I thanked him.

I ordered another Kamikaze.

“Man, I’m really sorry we got off to such a bad start.” He began. “I’m get a little carried away sometimes and Debra…that’s my wife… told me I should apologize so….I apologize.” He offered his hand.

I shook his hand reluctantly.

I downed the drink, nodded at Eddie and turned to find Tony so we could start playing.

He was seated at the table with the little brunette. I began to walk in his direction when Eddie shouted after me.

“Hey Ron!”

I looked over my shoulder at him.

“Nice legs dude.” He said with a grin.

I just shook my head and walked over to Tony’s table.

“Let’s go pick and grin a little.” I suggested.

“Let’s do it.” He said. “Who’s the jackass at the bar?”

“Some moron named Eddie Snow.” I told him. “I’m trying to ignore the prick but he’s like a yappin’ assed little dog.”

We went to the stage and got ready to play. Eddie came up to me with a big grin on his face.

“Hey man, I didn’t know you were a musician. Are ya’ll any good?” He asked.

I gave him my standard response to that particular question.

“Actually, we’re horrible.”

“Well, I can’t wait to hear this.” He said. “I’m gonna get the rest of my crew out of the pool room and listen to ya’ll.”

“You’ll be able to hear us back there. What we lack in talent, we make up for with a lot of volume.” I said.

“Yeah well, I wanna be closer so you’ll hear me fuckin’ with you.” He said and turned to hurry back to the pool room.

We started playing a few minutes later and, to my relief, he didn’t come back to the main room.

We played a couple of songs and, during the second one, Liz and Josef walked in and immediately began dancing directly in front of us. She looked at me and winked.

After the song was over, the crowd was clapping but, over the applause, I heard Eddie booing us.

He was back.

When the sound died down, he shouted at the top of his lungs.

“Hey Ron, you were right…..ya’ll suck out loud!”

His table was egging him on but other folks were telling him to shut up. He was enjoying the attention.

I could see Liz walk over to him and say something.

“Liz told me to apologize so….I’m sorry ya’ll suck so bad!” He laughed outrageously at his own ‘joke’.

Elizabeth grabbed a handful of his hair and used her other hand to slap him in the face! Too cool.

He danced away from her when she let go of his hair and put up his hands in a fighting stance. Josef was on him like a duck on a friggin’ junebug before Eddie knew what was happening.

Josef grabbed both of his arms and held him there.

Elizabeth screamed something to Josef and he let Eddie go but, not before she said something else to Eddie. He spun and walked back to his chair where he sat down laughing it up with his party.
Liz walked up to me.

“That stupid fucker is an asshole but, he spends a lot of money.” She said. “Of course he owes me about two grand but, he’s not a bad guy….just stupid. Don’t let him bother you.”

“Yeah, his been yankin’ my chain since he got here. If he keeps it up, I’m gonna kick his ass out of here.” I told her.

“Well, you’re the boss.” She said with a smile.

I was shocked!

“Damn crazy woman! What the hell’s gotten into you?” I laughed.
She grinned like a shy school girl.

“Josef gotten into me....alot!” She laughed and walked back to the bar.

I looked at Tony and grinned.

“Hell, if Josef can keep it up, he might just tame ole Liz!”

“I don’t see how the hell he ‘gets it up’ to begin with!” He laughed. “That’s a mean old woman.”

We played the rest of the set and took a break.

I was putting my guitar on the stand when I heard a female voice address me.

“I like the way you sound.”

I turned to find a petite brunette standing there. She was a pretty little thing with a big smile on her face.

“Well, we’re even…I like the way you look!” I said.

“I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.” She laughed at the cliché.

“Only the good lookin’ ones.” I admitted.

She laughed and I asked her if I could buy her a drink. She accepted and we walked to the bar.

I was standing there talking to her when I just happened to look in the mirror behind the bar and saw Eddie walking up behind me wearing a weird look on his face. He was hunched over and sneaking up behind me. Just before he made to me, I spun around.

There he stood with his hand reaching out toward me and his body bent at the waist. He looked like a red headed retarded Groucho Marx.

The crowd that had showed up with Eddie were laughing wildly at his antics.

“What the hell are you doing Eddie?” I demanded.

He straightened up.

“Aww…I was just gonna ‘pants’ you dude.” He laughed. “We do it all the time around here; it’s like an initiation at Carl’s.”

“Eddie, I don't need initiating.” I told him. “Now get away from me.”

He grinned.

“I’ll get you before the nights out.” He said.

“Eddie, I’m giving you fair warning, if you lay one hand on me or try that childish ‘pantsing’ thing, I swear that I’m gonna lay you out so, make your self happy. It’s your call.”

The moron just giggle as he turned around and walked back to his group. As he got close, I heard him laughing and talking.

“Don’t worry ya’ll, I’m gonna get him before the nights done.” He announced loud enough for me to hear.

I was hoping that he was just trying to impress his friends but, I had a feeling he wasn’t done yet. The moron was going to try again.

I went back to talking with Sherrie, the girl I had just met. We sat and talked for a while until it was time for me to start playing again.

Finishing my drink, I glanced in the mirror again and, yep…you guessed it, there he was again creeping up behind me. I pretended not to notice. As he crept closer, I reached over and grabbed a mug of beer sitting in front of a guy I didn’t know. It was full and the guy looked at me. I whispered to him that I’d buy him another one.

I then turned and tossed the full beer on Eddie who was only three feet behind me. Shocked, he turned and scampered back to his table laughing like a fool. His buddies were howling.

I asked Carla to get someone to clean up the mess I’d created and walked over to Eddie’s table.

“Eddie, I should make you leave but, I’m really hoping you’ll try that silly shit again. If you do just remember, I warned you….I’m gonna knock your ass out.” I said.

I looked at his little merry band of idiots.

“Ya’ll heard me right?” I asked them.

They all avoided making eye contact with me and didn’t answer.

“Is he like this all the time?” I asked no one in particular.

Suddenly, they all started nodding their heads and laughing.

“And, ya’ll just keep encouraging him?” I asked.

Again, nothing from the peanut gallery.

I gave up.

I went back to the stage and started playing again. While we played, I noticed Eddie and a couple of his cohorts leave by the front door.

I couldn’t have been happier.

UNTIL…..ten or fifteen minutes later when the pinhead came back in the place wearing a hockey mask and wielding a RUNNING chain saw over his head while revving it up like he was going to cut down a tree! I swear ya'll.....I ain't making this shit up!

It happened.

Needless to say, we quit playing abruptly.

Before I could put my guitar down, Josef had gotten there and had taken the chain saw away from him.

Elizabeth was close behind him screaming at Eddie telling him to leave. Eddie was laughing like a loon, still wearing the hockey mask.

I went over to them and told Josef to escort him out of the building along with all his friends. As I turned to address his little group of friends, Eddie lunged at me and had just grabbed the right leg of my shorts when I hit him with a GOOD right hand which caught him square on the left side of his forehead.

He went down like a shot and lay there whimpering.

His wife came running over screaming at me, cursing like a longshoreman but, Elizabeth stopped her dead in her tracks.

“He was warned Debra…shut the fuck up. Get out and don’t ever come back!” She yelled. “And take that stupid asshole with you!” She added while pointing at Eddie.

Josef gathered the group and marched them out of the front door after helping Eddie to his feet. He was holding his head with one hand and was obviously groggy.

He was smart enough or stunned enough to not say a word.

As they walked by, I was called everything but ‘Ron’ as they left but, I really didn’t pay much attention.

I was too busy realizing that I had broken my ring and little fingers knuckles on that dumb prick’s hard head!!

Damn it all to hell!

Thus endeth the Eddie Snow story! Thank God!!

It took me a week or so before I could play the guitar again. No finger picking, just rhythm but, we eventually got back to playing again.

Ok's the wrap up of the Carl's Corner story.

Tony and I played there for over a year and a half. There were some fun times and some really shitty times but, all in all, it was a fun time which I may revistit from time to time but, right now...I'm tired of thinking about it! I'm sure I'll write about it more in the future.

Just so ya'll know, Elizabeth and Josef made it as a couple for about two weeks after which time, he dumped her and she was a raging bitch for a week or two UNTIL she met sleazy young guy who stole her jewelry and her car.

This led to another month or so of extremely wierd behavior on her part.

It was always a vicious cycle of mood swings with old Liz.

She died of a heart attack a few years later.

Tony and I kept playing all over the place for several years after Carl's and believe me...those stories will be related here in other posts.

Dex ended up getting busted a couple of years later for dealing dope and believe it or not, married a beautiful bi-sexual girl after he got out of prison. To my knowledge, they lived happily ever after.

Patsy inherited all of Liz's property and most of her problems. She committed suicide by, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, setting off a bunch of bug bombs in her house while she was still in it!!

THE END.....for now.

I'm sure I'll think of other stuff later!

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The Getaway Weekend That Got Away

First of all, thank ya’ll for the kind comments left on my last post. I appreciate it.

As luck would have it, my plans to go to the lake were disrupted by God. HE, in his infinite wisdom, decided that he needed to make it rain ‘bow wow’s and meow’s’ all across western North Carolina for the entire weekend so….we never made it to the lake.

Instead, we went to Lowe’s! Yep…you heard me right. We went to the newest giant Lowe’s Home Improvement Store in the nation in Banner Elk. Hey, don’t blame me…I asked Michelle what she wanted to do and, she said, “Let’s go to the new Lowe’s" so….that’s exactly where we went!

Thankfully, it wasn’t too crowded. I really don’t understand how we rate a giant Lowe’s in a town which has a permanent residency of less than 900 people but, we have a summer residency of more that 25000 or so and a two county total of over three or four thousand. I suppose they justify it because a ton of wealthy folks are building homes so fast that the mountains are disappearing up here. Don Shula, Dan Marino, Wayne Huizenga, Pat Summerall, Nascar superstars out the wazoo and other assorted well known rich folks are flooding the area. So…I guess they are certain to turn a profit but…most of us are just plain old folks.

Michelle was in the mood to peruse and carefully examine every single item in the place.

We looked at $3000.00 refrigerators which, even if I won the friggin’ lottery TWICE I wouldn’t purchase. Hell, I couldn’t sleep if I paid that much for a damned icebox!

We looked at hardwood flooring which, if we bought, we would have to buy twice as much as the square footage demanded because I’m a home improvement moron! I would absolutely RUIN a great deal of the flooring in the process of installing it but, my little angel has faith in me! She really believes I could do it! Bless her little innocent heart.

There’s a reason she believes this.

Five years ago, I decided that our master bath needed a window. I bought a reciprocating saw and hacked a hole in the logs and bought a window which, to my everlasting friggin’ astonishment fit PERFECTLY in the hole I had created. It worked perfectly….damn it!!

She now believes that I can do anything I put my mind to!

She’s beautiful and I adore her but….she’s wrong! I’m a moron.

She conveniently forgets the time that I hooked up our generator wrong and blew up every single electrical appliance in the house!

Somehow, she doesn’t accept the fact that I’ve never cut a straight line in my life.

Forgotten is the hideous job I did of putting a ceiling in our garage.

Seriously, I can read minds better than I can read a friggin’ tape measure!! It’s really quite sad. I’m like Rain Man after a frontal lobotomy!

Banished from her recollection is the time I tried to cut molding and had to make four trips to the building supply store as I constantly cut the wrong angles over and over and over again!

Yep….she’s an optimist and, with no facts to buttress her opinion, she believes in me!! What a dreamer!!

Well, after an exhaustive search for something we could not live without, we purchased new shower heads for the two upstairs bathrooms and a table saw.

Yep…I said a TABLE SAW! This is pretty much a guarantee that I will NOT be blogging much anymore. Not because I’ll be too busy building stuff around here with my new table saw but rather because it will be difficult, I’m sure, to type as well using only one hand, or seven fingers, which ever I lose first!

Anyway…..we finally left Lowe’s.

We were hungry so, we went through the standard conversation for those of us who live in a small town. We went through the list of places to eat faster than Michael Moore could run through a list of facts found in his movies.

We settled on a new Mexican restaurant on Jonas Ridge.

We walked into the place and the first thing I noticed was that it was hotter than the gates of HELL in the damned place! Apparently, these border crossin’ fuckers were striving to recreate the climate of Mexico in August!

Dear Lord it was hot but, the food was great.

Afterwards, we spent the rest of the rainy weekend just hanging out and watching football. The Gamecocks and Panthers both won.

Oh, well, that was our weekend. I hope ya’ll had a good one too.

More “Carl’s Corner” sometime today.

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