Carl's Corner... Part VI
Sorry for any "regulars" I left out.
I love the funny comments ya'll leave.
In the last chapter of our tale, Tony had come to town, Elizabeth had made good on her promise of a new guitar, she had also bought a bunch of equipment for me and, last but not least, we were introduced to a mean lookin' different cop!
The Plot Thickens........
Tony beat a hasty retreat from the conversation as I damn near passed out from laughter. Elizabeth was enjoying our discomfort with the whole situation.
"Ron, you know, there's nothin' wrong with havin' sex with a man." she winked at me.
"You're absolutely right Elizabeth and I hope you have as much man sex as you can friggin' deal with." I said.
"She was talking about you Ron." Dex interjected.
I turned to face him.
"Look Dex, like I said before, I've got no problem with your love life but, I ain't EVER gonna be involved in it so....stop with the recruiting talk. Ok." I was tired of the conversation.
"Don't flatter yourself...you ain't my type." he said
"Good." I was relieved to hear it.
"Hey Ron, why don't you play me something on your new guitar." Elizabeth said.
"Give me a little while Liz, I've gotta chill out a bit." I told her.
"You mean you wanna go outside and smoke pot with Tony first don't you." she grinned.
I shot her an angry look.
"Well...it's true ain't it?" she insisted.
"Liz, in case you forgot, Dex here is a friggin' COP!!"
Dex looked at me and grinned.
"Don't let that bother you. Let me know if you ever need some good shit. I've got connections you wouldn't believe." he said.
"Call me crazy but that sounds strange coming from a cop." I told him.
"Yeah but, I'm not your average cop. I have very expensive tastes that a cops salary can't support so...I do a little business on the side." he stated. "Just tryin' to get by you know."
"Dex is a very good friend to have big boy...he's a real 'fixer'."
"Fixer" I enquired. "What's that supposed to mean?"
He took a drink and waved at Patsy for another.
"You just let me know if anyone fucks with you or this place. I'll give you my beeper number... call me anytime and, if I tell you something's gettin' ready to go down here like a health department visit, dope bust, gambling raid or anything like that...you had better bank on it." he said matter of factly.
"Well that's mighty good to know." I said.
"Don't get him wrong though Ron....he ain't doin' it out of love for his poor old aunt." she snapped. "He's well paid to cover my ass."
"Ohhhh...I get it. Like donations to the Police Benevolent Fund?" I said conspiratorially.
"Fuck that." he growled. "If I go to jail, it's not gonna be for raising charitable funds....it'll be for bribery. Pure and simple...I'm a basically a good cop.....just a tad crooked."
Well damn, this sumbitch was an honest crook if I ever met one. No gilding of the lily here.
At that moment, the front door opened and who should walk in but the 'Mean Lookin' Dude' from the previous night. Ya'll remember him...he's the dick head who had been the object of Elizabeth's target practice.
Elizabeth immediately spotted him.
"Just turn your sorry ass around and get out of here." she yelled.
The jerk just grinned and went to the cue rack nearest the table which didn't have a bullet hole in it.
Before I knew what had happened, Dex had hopped off his bar stool and covered the thirty feet between he and the 'Mean Lookin' Dude'. I followed him.
"Now I know you're gonna want to talk and show your ass but I just want to warn you that I'm an off duty police officer." he said calmly. "Just turn around and leave.....now" he added.
The guy started to speak.
"Last warning." he interrupted him.
The idiot didn't move an inch and almost said something.
In the blink of an eye, Dex slammed him into the wall, spun him around and had him face down on the pool table in one smooth move.
The guy was screaming like a banshee.
"Now, leave this place right now and you won't get hurt OR you can get hurt AND go to jail." he hissed.
The dumbass struggled a bit and Dex pulled him off the pool table and hit him three times with his right hand before the guy could see it coming. His nose exploded like a ripe tomato.
Damn! It was like watching a cop show on TV. Dex did something to the guys thumb with one hand and the dude went to his knees. The next thing I knew, he was wearing handcuffs.
At that moment, I made a decision to NEVER upset Dex. Light in the loafers or not, that was one bad sumbitch! Shit, he wasn't even breathing hard. I've never seen anything like that before or since. Chuck Norris didn't have shit on that fucker.
Tony walked over to me and leaned close.
"Dear God I hope he don't decide to get a crush on one of us." he said. "I'd have to give it up before he did that blown up nose thing on me! I'm allergic to pain you know."
"Well, at least I don't have to worry about that." I gave him a big shit eatin' grin. "He's already told me that I'm not his type."
"What's his type?" he asked.
I just stared at him for a minute.
"He said he LOVED your hair you know."
He looked at me.
"Well, what the hell is wrong with YOU?" he whined. "You're a pretty good lookin' guy!"
I just shook my head.
"It's official dude, God can take me home anytime now cause I've heard it all!" I turned to walk away. "I don't like the way this conversation is goin'!"
"Wahl, ahain dah mush betr lookin' tha u". he mumbled.
(translation: "Well, I ain't that much better lookin' than you.")
"Yeah well, Dex thinks you are." I hollered over my shoulder.
Dex marched the bleeding dude out of the place, all the while talking to him but, we couldn't hear what he said. As he opened the front door, he gave him a vicious shove in the back and propelled him through it.
I walked back to the bar to sit beside Liz.
"That dude's pretty good at that cop shit.'' I remarked.
Elizabeth stared at me a second before she spoke.
"I wouldn't recommend crossin' him...that sumbitch does NOT play around. He quit the second grade 'cause they tried to make him go to recess." she grinned.
There weren't many people in the bar until, about a half hour later, when maybe fifty people came in within minutes of each other. Elizabeth was beaming!
"Hot damn! They're actually showing up!" she giggled. "To hear you play!" she added.
I was speechless for a bit.
I hadn't planned on this. Playing un-plugged is cool with me, Hell, I love playing that way but, not in a freakin' low rent honky tonk full of drunks! With sound equipment, you can at least add a little reverb or chorus peddle which is nice but, the main reason you need a sound system is so that you and the audience can actually hear the damned music.
Trust me on this folks, it's a pain in the ass to be playing and singin' a tune while listening to bar patron's conversations!
It's just downright hard to play while hearing such things as.....
* "Wanda, have you got a spare tampon? I'm flowing like a hose pipe today!"
* "I don't give a shit what you say woman it's MY fuckin' trailer and I say who shoots dope in MY HOME.... By God!!"
* "Kiss my ass dude! A Chevy truck can't pull a greasy string out of cat's ass!!"
Well damn it....could you remember lyrics with shit like THAT goin' on?
Yeah well....I've done it.....BUT....it pretty much sucks out loud.
"Elizabeth....I don't have any equipment other than a guitar and, of course, Tony showed up with a keyboard that might as well be a freakin' Kazoo!" I said.
"So?" she snapped at me. "What's your problem?"
"My problem is that they ain't gonna be able to hear us with all the noise in here so, why bother?" I said. "We'll practice and be ready to go by the time this place is fixed up."
She looked frustrated.
"Look big boy, these folks are here because I told them that you were worth listenin' to." she smiled. "They ain't here to whoop it up, they wanna hear some music."
I thought about it a second or two.
"Don't worry, you're gonna get paid." she added.
"It isn't about getting paid." I said. "I'll do it but, it's liable to sound like a damned train wreck. Tony and I haven't played together in quite awhile. This could get ugly."
"Aww hell, you'll be fine." she dismissed me with a grin.
To make a long story short, I went to Tony and told him that Elizabeth wanted us to play.
"Hell yeah!" he said..."this oughta be fun." he said.
"What the hell, maybe they'll get drunk quick!" I laughed.
Tony and I went out to my car for a little while and burned one while making a quick list of things we would be able to play together. We came up with a bunch of songs pretty fast.
Hell, this might not be too bad.
While we were sitting there, a blue light came on accompanied by a short blast on a police siren! The police car was directly behind my car!
Just friggin' great!!
I looked at Tony and he was damned near sobbing!
"What have you got on you?" I asked.
"You don't wanna know!" he gasped.
Seconds later, Dex tapped on my window.
Son of a bitch!!
He was laughin' his ass off at the sight of us panicking.
I opened the door and got out.
"That's fucked up dude! You scared the shit out of me!" I couldn't help but laugh.
"Just enjoyin' my job." he grinned.
Tony crawled out of the passenger side and leaned against the car.
"Dahm doo ah ahmose swal'd a bah a coke!" he mumbled.
Dex looked at me quisically.
"He said that he almost swallowed a bag of coke." I translated.
"He's cute but just a little too strange for my taste." Dex said.
I thought I'd have a stroke.
"Hell, he was worried about you wantin' to make him your bitch!" I laughed.
Tony looked at me with wild eyes.
"I still might but, I can't understand a word the fucker says." he winked at Tony. "Then again, I don't much care for a bunch of conversation."
"Tha shi ain' funny assholes!" Tony mumbled indignantly.
Dex looked at me.
"Hell, even I understood THAT!" he said. "We're making progress!"
To Be Continued...........
Stay tuned tomorrow when, a large breasted woman decides that she needs my opinion on her husband's birthday present.
Hey......I ain't makin' this shit up guys.