Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Carl's Corner... Part VI

Before we continue the story, I'd like to thank AFSister who linked me via Argghhh! today. I'm always blown away when folks link me at all but being linked from such a popular site is really cool. I consider Guyk and LL to be my blog Mom and Dad so, I guess that makes AFSister my blog Sister. Folks like you, RockyNC, Sk, Libby, Bob , Jackie Sue, Lil' Toni, JuneBug, and Keeper make writing this crap a lot of fun!

Sorry for any "regulars" I left out.

I love the funny comments ya'll leave.

Thanks again.

To Recap.....

In the last chapter of our tale, Tony had come to town, Elizabeth had made good on her promise of a new guitar, she had also bought a bunch of equipment for me and, last but not least, we were introduced to a mean lookin' different cop!

The Plot Thickens........

Tony beat a hasty retreat from the conversation as I damn near passed out from laughter. Elizabeth was enjoying our discomfort with the whole situation.

"Ron, you know, there's nothin' wrong with havin' sex with a man." she winked at me.

"You're absolutely right Elizabeth and I hope you have as much man sex as you can friggin' deal with." I said.

"She was talking about you Ron." Dex interjected.

I turned to face him.

"Look Dex, like I said before, I've got no problem with your love life but, I ain't EVER gonna be involved in it so....stop with the recruiting talk. Ok." I was tired of the conversation.

He laughed.

"Don't flatter ain't my type." he said

"Good." I was relieved to hear it.

"Hey Ron, why don't you play me something on your new guitar." Elizabeth said.

"Give me a little while Liz, I've gotta chill out a bit." I told her.

"You mean you wanna go outside and smoke pot with Tony first don't you." she grinned.

I shot her an angry look.

"'s true ain't it?" she insisted.

"Liz, in case you forgot, Dex here is a friggin' COP!!"

Dex looked at me and grinned.

"Don't let that bother you. Let me know if you ever need some good shit. I've got connections you wouldn't believe." he said.

"Call me crazy but that sounds strange coming from a cop." I told him.

"Yeah but, I'm not your average cop. I have very expensive tastes that a cops salary can't support so...I do a little business on the side." he stated. "Just tryin' to get by you know."

"Dex is a very good friend to have big boy...he's a real 'fixer'."

"Fixer" I enquired. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He took a drink and waved at Patsy for another.

"You just let me know if anyone fucks with you or this place. I'll give you my beeper number... call me anytime and, if I tell you something's gettin' ready to go down here like a health department visit, dope bust, gambling raid or anything like had better bank on it." he said matter of factly.

"Well that's mighty good to know." I said.

Elizabeth interrupted.

"Don't get him wrong though Ron....he ain't doin' it out of love for his poor old aunt." she snapped. "He's well paid to cover my ass."

I laughed.

"Ohhhh...I get it. Like donations to the Police Benevolent Fund?" I said conspiratorially.

"Fuck that." he growled. "If I go to jail, it's not gonna be for raising charitable'll be for bribery. Pure and simple...I'm a basically a good cop.....just a tad crooked."

Well damn, this sumbitch was an honest crook if I ever met one. No gilding of the lily here.

At that moment, the front door opened and who should walk in but the 'Mean Lookin' Dude' from the previous night. Ya'll remember him...he's the dick head who had been the object of Elizabeth's target practice.

Elizabeth immediately spotted him.

"Just turn your sorry ass around and get out of here." she yelled.

The jerk just grinned and went to the cue rack nearest the table which didn't have a bullet hole in it.

Before I knew what had happened, Dex had hopped off his bar stool and covered the thirty feet between he and the 'Mean Lookin' Dude'. I followed him.

"Now I know you're gonna want to talk and show your ass but I just want to warn you that I'm an off duty police officer." he said calmly. "Just turn around and" he added.

The guy started to speak.

"Last warning." he interrupted him.

The idiot didn't move an inch and almost said something.

In the blink of an eye, Dex slammed him into the wall, spun him around and had him face down on the pool table in one smooth move.

The guy was screaming like a banshee.

"Now, leave this place right now and you won't get hurt OR you can get hurt AND go to jail." he hissed.

The dumbass struggled a bit and Dex pulled him off the pool table and hit him three times with his right hand before the guy could see it coming. His nose exploded like a ripe tomato.

Damn! It was like watching a cop show on TV. Dex did something to the guys thumb with one hand and the dude went to his knees. The next thing I knew, he was wearing handcuffs.

At that moment, I made a decision to NEVER upset Dex. Light in the loafers or not, that was one bad sumbitch! Shit, he wasn't even breathing hard. I've never seen anything like that before or since. Chuck Norris didn't have shit on that fucker.

Tony walked over to me and leaned close.

"Dear God I hope he don't decide to get a crush on one of us." he said. "I'd have to give it up before he did that blown up nose thing on me! I'm allergic to pain you know."

I laughed.

"Well, at least I don't have to worry about that." I gave him a big shit eatin' grin. "He's already told me that I'm not his type."

"What's his type?" he asked.

I just stared at him for a minute.

"He said he LOVED your hair you know."

He looked at me.

"Well, what the hell is wrong with YOU?" he whined. "You're a pretty good lookin' guy!"

I just shook my head.

"It's official dude, God can take me home anytime now cause I've heard it all!" I turned to walk away. "I don't like the way this conversation is goin'!"

"Wahl, ahain dah mush betr lookin' tha u". he mumbled.

(translation: "Well, I ain't that much better lookin' than you.")

"Yeah well, Dex thinks you are." I hollered over my shoulder.

Dex marched the bleeding dude out of the place, all the while talking to him but, we couldn't hear what he said. As he opened the front door, he gave him a vicious shove in the back and propelled him through it.

I walked back to the bar to sit beside Liz.

"That dude's pretty good at that cop shit.'' I remarked.

Elizabeth stared at me a second before she spoke.

"I wouldn't recommend crossin' him...that sumbitch does NOT play around. He quit the second grade 'cause they tried to make him go to recess." she grinned.

There weren't many people in the bar until, about a half hour later, when maybe fifty people came in within minutes of each other. Elizabeth was beaming!

"Hot damn! They're actually showing up!" she giggled. "To hear you play!" she added.

I was speechless for a bit.

I hadn't planned on this. Playing un-plugged is cool with me, Hell, I love playing that way but, not in a freakin' low rent honky tonk full of drunks! With sound equipment, you can at least add a little reverb or chorus peddle which is nice but, the main reason you need a sound system is so that you and the audience can actually hear the damned music.

Trust me on this folks, it's a pain in the ass to be playing and singin' a tune while listening to bar patron's conversations!

It's just downright hard to play while hearing such things as.....

* "Wanda, have you got a spare tampon? I'm flowing like a hose pipe today!"


* "I don't give a shit what you say woman it's MY fuckin' trailer and I say who shoots dope in MY HOME.... By God!!"


* "Kiss my ass dude! A Chevy truck can't pull a greasy string out of cat's ass!!"

Well damn it....could you remember lyrics with shit like THAT goin' on?

Yeah well....I've done pretty much sucks out loud.

Sorry....I digress.

"Elizabeth....I don't have any equipment other than a guitar and, of course, Tony showed up with a keyboard that might as well be a freakin' Kazoo!" I said.

"So?" she snapped at me. "What's your problem?"

"My problem is that they ain't gonna be able to hear us with all the noise in here so, why bother?" I said. "We'll practice and be ready to go by the time this place is fixed up."

She looked frustrated.

"Look big boy, these folks are here because I told them that you were worth listenin' to." she smiled. "They ain't here to whoop it up, they wanna hear some music."

I thought about it a second or two.

"Don't worry, you're gonna get paid." she added.

"It isn't about getting paid." I said. "I'll do it but, it's liable to sound like a damned train wreck. Tony and I haven't played together in quite awhile. This could get ugly."

"Aww hell, you'll be fine." she dismissed me with a grin.

To make a long story short, I went to Tony and told him that Elizabeth wanted us to play.

"Hell yeah!" he said..."this oughta be fun." he said.

"What the hell, maybe they'll get drunk quick!" I laughed.

Tony and I went out to my car for a little while and burned one while making a quick list of things we would be able to play together. We came up with a bunch of songs pretty fast.

Hell, this might not be too bad.

While we were sitting there, a blue light came on accompanied by a short blast on a police siren! The police car was directly behind my car!

Just friggin' great!!

I looked at Tony and he was damned near sobbing!

"What have you got on you?" I asked.

"You don't wanna know!" he gasped.

Seconds later, Dex tapped on my window.

Son of a bitch!!

He was laughin' his ass off at the sight of us panicking.

I opened the door and got out.

"That's fucked up dude! You scared the shit out of me!" I couldn't help but laugh.

"Just enjoyin' my job." he grinned.

Tony crawled out of the passenger side and leaned against the car.

"Dahm doo ah ahmose swal'd a bah a coke!" he mumbled.

Dex looked at me quisically.

"He said that he almost swallowed a bag of coke." I translated.

"He's cute but just a little too strange for my taste." Dex said.

I thought I'd have a stroke.

"Hell, he was worried about you wantin' to make him your bitch!" I laughed.

Tony looked at me with wild eyes.

"I still might but, I can't understand a word the fucker says." he winked at Tony. "Then again, I don't much care for a bunch of conversation."

"Tha shi ain' funny assholes!" Tony mumbled indignantly.

Dex looked at me.

"Hell, even I understood THAT!" he said. "We're making progress!"

To Be Continued...........

Stay tuned tomorrow when, a large breasted woman decides that she needs my opinion on her husband's birthday present.

Hey......I ain't makin' this shit up guys.

Read more!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Carl's Corner... Part V

To recap our story....

Elizabeth had shot the hell out of her own place. My guitar had given it's life at the altar of Redneckdom and Sara had decided that she wanted to take me home with her to study advanced calculus....or something.

Back To The Story....or, as Guyk calls 'em....My Lies!

Sara dropped me off at my place around noon the next day and we said our goodbye's. She was heading back to Georgia that day and said that she'd see me again in a month or so when she returned.

It's funny the things you remember about people and things years later. I remember that we had fun and that she was a really sweet girl but, etched in my memory is her laugh or whatever the hell that thing was!

She had a laugh that sounded like a Jackyl who's leg was caught in a friggin' trap!! Good Lord what a shriek!!

After hearing her laugh a couple of times, I made damned sure not to say or do anything even remotely funny! It was that bad.

As she pulled away, I headed up the stairs to my apartment. Halfway up, I heard the phone ringing. I reached it just as my answering machine picked up.

I heard the voice of my old buddy Tony.

"Damned answering machine!" he said.

I hit the button and stopped the message.

"What's up Tony? I'm here....just walked in." I said.

"Damn I'm glad I caught you! I've gotta get out of!" he said.

I laughed.

"What the hell have you done now?" I asked.

"It's a long story but, the short version is Tina's new boyfriend is going to kill me if he finds me." he said breathlessly.

"Why's he gonna kill you?" I asked...almost afraid to hear the answer.

"I'll tell you when I get there." he said. "Can I stay with you for a little while?"

"My new place is like a friggin' matchbox but, we'll figure it out." I said. "Why's this guy gonna kill you Tony?" I demanded.

"Well, it's really kind of funny." he laughed "When I was clearing out my stuff from the house, I found a tape of Tina and this guy...Tom's his name...screwing their brains out."

"So?" I prompted him."Why's he gonna kill you?"

Tony was always just like a had to pull the truth out of him most of the time.

He was laughing harder now.

"He's the head football coach at the high school and his wife is the assistant principal at the same school." he was giggling now.

"Go on....what did you do?"

"I paid a kid at the school to run the fuckin' tape on the school's closed circuit system!" he was damned near hyperventilating.

"Oh shit!!" I was laughing hysterically now.

"Yeah...his wife saw it and went nuts on his ass AT SCHOOL!" he said. "It got pretty ugly when she nailed his ass with a baseball bat in the gym...broke his fuckin' jaw I think." he added.

We were both rolling.

"Oh man...that's bad. No wonder he's after you." I said.

"The worst thing is that this Tom dude is HUGE but he's got the smallest dick you ever saw in your life!" he broke up again as did I. "I've seen bigger cigarettes!!"

"Some kids at the school spray painted his car with, 'Tom's Hung Like A Thumb'!!" he said as I damned near died laughing. "He's pretty pissed."

Once I regained my composure, I told him to come on down. We'd work something out.

After hanging up, I sat there thinking about Tony. He really was a great guy but he was the laziest man I'd ever known. He was damned lucky that he was a talented musician and singer because he was qualified for absolutely no other occupation known to man.

My problem was that I really liked Tony....still do.

I heard someone knocking at my door.

It was Elizabeth.

I let her in and she grinned at me.

"Late night with that girl huh?"

"Yep....we found an all night bowling alley. We had a blast." I said.

"You're a lyin' sack of shit." she laughed.

She took a seat and asked me if I had anything to drink.

"Beer and Mountain Dew." I told her.

She made a face.

"You don't have anything else?"

"Just that and water." I informed her.

"Don't EVER drink water fuck in it!" she snapped. "My Granny taught me that!"

"Now there's a heart warming family fact." I chuckled. "Sounds like you were raised by wolves!"

"That ain't far from the truth...I'll have to tell you about it sometime." she laughed.

She looked at me seriously.

"Are you ready to talk business?" she asked.

"Sure. I'm ready." I said.

We talked for a couple of hours during which time she informed me that she was willing to spend a lot of money to turn Carl's into a money maker with the goal being to sell it in a year or so.

I told her what my ideas were and she liked most of them. I simply wanted to start slow and relatively cheap by closing the place long enough to remodel, renovate, add a back room for the pool tables, install new carpet, build a stage area and upgrade the kitchen to serve simple food.

To my surprise, she was all for it.

The biggest surprise however, came when I told her that, in addition to needing a new guitar, I didn't have a sound system which would suffice for playing a room the size of Carl's.

"Where do we get one?" she asked.

I told her of a couple of places in town and she hopped up.

"Let's go buy some stuff." she said.

"Now?" I laughed.

"Big will find that I'm a 'NOW' kinda lady." she said as she picked up her purse. "I hate to wait for anything!"

We spent the rest of the day going to different places and at every single one, she dickered with the owners of the shop in a way that I NEVER could have done. She had a friggin' gift!!

I told her about Tony coming into town and the fact that we would be playing together while I tried to put a band together so, she asked what we would need. Damned if she didn't go along with everything I asked for.

She had a freakin' ball that afternoon even though she must have spent at least five or six thousand dollars not counting my guitar.
I bought a beautiful Washburn accoustic electric which retailed for somewhere around $2000.00 which she ended up paying around $1500.00 for. Damn, she was good!

I took the guitar home with me and she arranged to have the equipment delivered to the bar the next day. She was like a kid at Christmas.

We left the last place with her giggling like a kid.

"Damn that was fun!!" she squealed.

I looked at her and laughed.

"I'll bet you never expected to own a bunch of musical equipment did you?" I asked.

"I own it now but, if you want, we can work out payments so that YOU own it." she grinned.

"Ohhhhh....I get it." I laughed. "At a small profit for you I suppose."

"Honey, it's ALL about profit but, I'll make it painless for you." she said sweetly.

"Yeah, well, we're gonna have to talk about that." I told her.

She drove me back to my place where I was supposed to meet Tony. As she dropped me off, I told her I'd meet her at Carl's after Tony showed up. She asked me to bring my new guitar.

"You gotta play for me tonight Ron...we're gonna celebrate!!" she said as she pulled off without waiting for a response.

I laughed to myself as I climbed the stairs with my new toy.

I had just gone inside and sat down with a beer to play the new guitar when I heard a knock on the door.

I opened it to find Tony standing there with a big grin on his face.
"Damn dude...I just walked in the door. I figured you'de be waiting for me when I got here...I was runnin' late." I said.

"Hell, I've been here for almost an hour!" he told me.

"I didn't see your car outside." I commented.

"Tina's got the car, the bitch." he growled. "I hitched a ride with a truck driver."

"Where were you when I pulled in?"

"I was down there talkin' to old guy." he explained.

"So, where's your stuff?"

"Right here." he pointed to three giant black trash bags and a cheap, piece of crap case, just the keyboard. It looked like something you would buy a seven year old at Christmas.

That was typical of Tony ever since I'd known him, he had arrived with fifty bucks in his pocket, a tinker toy keyboard, no car, no job, no prospects, three bags of clothes BUT....he had a huge bag of cocaine and at least an ounce of pot.

I'll say this for him.....the man knew how to rank his friggin' priorities! He was hopeless in those days. Totally oblivious to reality but....he was one funny son of a bitch to be around.

We talked awhile and I let him know about my arrangement with Elizabeth. I could see the wheels turning in his head.

"Sounds like you got yourself a Sugar Mama big guy." he said.

"Fuck you, I'm gonna get a shower and get changed. We're goin' to the bar so you can see what we're dealin' with here." I told him.

An hour later, we pulled up to Carl's. Tony had insisted on bringing the silly little keyboard with us even though, the damned thing was ridiculous looking. How could anyone consider you a serious musician carrying around that piece of junk I asked him.

After he finished a snort of toot, he laughed and said.

"Don't worry 'bout it big guy! You forget how fuckin' good we are together..this is gonna be cool!"

Side Note:

Tony had a nasally, Elvis on valium sound to his voice for as long as I'd known him. Drunk, stoned, coked or sober...he sounded like that. He pronounced his own name..."Toe-nah" so, you can just imagine how careless he was with the rest of the English language. His side of any conversation was one long slurred mumble most of the time and his favorite response to any challenging question was......

"Mell, ahm ont no whever y' ont."

When I first met Tony, it took me quite a while before I realized that he was actually saying.

"Well, I don't know..whatever you want."

I swear to you....I ain't exaggerating. I made the little sumbitch write it down for me one time!!

I used to call him "Autistic Elvis".

What Tony lacked in diction, the son of a bitch more than made up for in self confidence! He could NOT be embarrassed, shamed, humiliated or disgraced! Those things rolled of his back like someone had scotch-guarded his ass!

Back To The Yarn.....

When we walked in to Carl's, Liz was sitting on her perch at the bar. She waved me over with a big smile on her face.

She reached out, pulled me to her, hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.

I finally pulled away and introduced her to Tony.

"Ron says you can play and sing almost as good as he does." she said.

I looked at Tony.

"She's not only as crazy as a cat shot in the ass, she's a damned liar." I told him.

"Well, at least she's good looking." he said.

Dear Lord, Elizabeth damn near swooned! She was buyin' his shit.

She looked at me.

"You didn't tell me he was so cute!" she gushed.

"That's because I think he looks like a dick with ears sitting under a dead skunk." I said.

I used to pick on Tony about his prematurely salt and pepper black, rock star wannabe, carefully maintained mullet hairstyle.

To be fair...a lot of women commented on the fact that he resembled some soap opera star named Bo or something so...I guess he was good looking always amazed me that women couldn't see through his horseshit. Maybe I just knew him too well.

Elizabeth gasped at my comment on Tony's looks.

"You're mean!" she gushed like a damned school girl.

"Thank you Elizabeth...Ron's an asshole." Tony said.

Just then, she whirled around and patted the guy sitting next to her on the leg.

"Guys....I want ya'll to meet Dex...he's my nephew." she said.

We shook hands with Dex and then he looked at Tony.

"I LOVE your hair Tony...I agree with Elizabeth." he said.

I could see Tony flinch a bit and I couldn't help laughing.

"Dex is a sargeant on the police force here...he looks out for me." Elizabeth said proudly.

Dex was a big tough lookin' guy. He was in civilian clothes and he and Liz had obviously been drinking a bit.

We all sat at the bar drinking a bit for an hour or so.

A nice looking girl walked in at some point and Tony and I watched her like a hawk as she walked to the end of the bar nearest us.

I looked at Tony and Dex and said.

"That's a nice looking woman."

Tony piped in.

"Look at the rack on that chick."

Dex was next up.

"She looks like a slut."

Tony and I looked at him like he had grown a second head.

"And your point would be what?" Tony asked.

I laughed.

"Hell, I ain't lookin' for Mother Theresa." I said.

Dex just snarled.

"That's the kind of bitch that made me give up on women." he said flatly.

"Givin' up on women is like givin' up on eatin' my friend" Tony said innocently.

Dex looked at up from his drink.

"No it ain't....all you gotta do is find something different."

I looked at Tony, Tony looked at me and we both looked at Elizabeth.

She was giggling.

"I think that's Dex's way of letting you boys know that he's gay." she said.

Holy shit!

Talk about your uncomfortable moment!!

After a few moments, I finally spoke up.

"You're gay?" I asked.

"I don't like that word. I prefer "different". " he said quietly. "You gotta a problem with that?" he asked defiantly.

"Not unless that's your best pick up line!" I said.

There was a moment of tension until he started laughing his ass off.

We all laughed like crazy until Dex spoke again. Looking at Tony, he asked.

"Have you ever tried it?"

Tony's reaction was hilarious!

Here was this big, tough looking guy with no trace of feminity asking Tony if he had ever tried taking one up the ass and poor old Tony was damned near speechless typical Tony fashion he mumbled incoherently!

"Nah man ah ain't nev dun nah shit lahk at." he slurred.

I felt it incumbent upon me, as one of the only living interpretors of Tony-speak to translate for Dex.

"Tony says, 'No, I ain't never done no shit like that.' " I offered.

Damned if he didn't look at ME!

"How 'bout you?" he asked. "Have you ever tried it?"

I was a bit taken aback by the direct question but, I quickly recovered.

"Listen dude, I really don't care what you do but let me tell you.....I can barely swallow an aspirin and it hurts me to FART can count me out!!" I laughed nervously.

Dex just grinned.

"You don't know what you're missing boys." he said.

Tony looked at me. He had a wild eyed look about him.

"Ah ain nev herd nah shit lahk at 'fore." he mumbled.

I thought I'd die laughing.

Dex looked at me and asked me what Tony had just said.

Without missing a beat I swear I said....

"He's say's he's thinking about it!"

I thought Tony was gonna pass out!

I WISH I had a picture of Tony's face at that moment!!

To Be Continued Ya'll...........

Read more!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Carl's Corner... Part IV

As we left our story, Elizabeth had just blown a ball off of the pool table much to the surprise of everyone in the joint...especially ME!

Back To The Story.........

I couldn't believe it but Elizabeth was just sitting there smiling while everyone else in the place was ducking and/or running for cover. When the screams, shouts and the echoes of the gunshot subsided, Elizabeth stood slowly.

"Now, get the hell out of here and don't come back." she pointed the pistol at the mean looking dude.

To his credit, he didn't look the slightest bit frightened.

"You ain't gonna shoot anybody bitch!" he shouted.

Damned if she didn't laugh and squeeze off ANOTHER friggin' round which hit the cue rack, shattering one or more of the cue sticks hanging there!

What the hell was I doing here?

One of the other guys pleaded with the mean looking dude.

"Man, we don't need this shit! Let's get the hell out of here Bobby!" he said as he headed for the door followed closely by two others.

'Mean Lookin' Dude' stared at her and sneered.

"I'm leavin' bitch." he said, then looked at me while he added."Just so your pussy boy guitar player can... perform."

Well just fuck me to tears! What the hell did I do? and.....what was I supposed to say to THAT?

Side Note: Sometimes, it really sucks out loud to be a man who considers himself to be, at the very least, semi-macho. Damn it, you can't just stand there and be "dissed" in public without doing something! It's just not done....damn it.

On With The Show.....

I don't know what I should have said but, what I did say was.....

"Why don't you take your greasy ass out of here before this crazy broad decides to shoot somethin' besides pool balls?"

Clever huh? I'm quick that way.

"I'm goin' but I'll see you later." he said as he looked at me.

Well damn....I wasn't the one who had just shot his ball off the table!

He walked to the front door, opened it and turned around as if to say something.

"One more fuckin' word and the next one's at your head." Elizabeth snarled.

It was quite obvious that she had done this shit before! There was dead calm in her voice. It really was spooky.

That woman out 'macho-ed' most men I've ever known.

Months later, I asked myself why I didn't get the hell away from her that very night but the truth is simple.......I ain't real bright! Have ya'll ever read my drivel? It's a friggin' re-occuring theme in my life. Stupid just happens in my life.

'Mean Lookin' Dude' glared at her and then....of course, ME but, he didn't violate Elizabeth's revocation of his right to free speech..he left without a word.

Before the front door closed behind him, I was packin' up to get away from that insane woman.

I reached to pick up my guitar and stopped in mid grab.

Somehow, during Elizabeth's fucking Wild West Show, some sorry son of a whore had snapped my guitar in two!!

I stared at it lying there. It was such a great old guitar and it was lyin' there.... mortally wounded.

That old Washburn was my baby. It was also my livelihood. I was completely and honestly stunned.

I picked it up. The neck was still connected to the body but only because of the strings. The body looked as though someone had put their foot through it. It was dead with no hope of repair.

Elizabeth was staring at me as I turned to look at her. She had a shocked look on her face.

"Oh my God!" she shouted. "What happened to your guitar?"

I thought my head was going to explode!

What happened?

My first reaction was to go nuts on her but, thankfully, I really was stunned. I didn't know what the hell to say or do. That doesn't happened to me very often. Right or wrong, I normally have something to say.

Several things were in play at that moment.

Let's review....

I was unemployed, had almost no money, my livelihood had just been smashed, my other guitar was a piece of shit, the woman who had given me a glimmer of hope was a freakin' whacko and, oh by the way.......the dizzy bitch was STILL holding that fucking pistol in her damned hand!

I needed to be VERY careful here.

"Somebody killed it." I said quietly.

She put her gun back in her purse and walked over to me.

"Who did it?" she asked.

"I don't know Elizabeth, I was too busy duckin' bullets to pay much attention to anything else." I was pissed.

She looked at me, gave me that evil grin and.....I'm not makin' this up.....she said.

"Wasn't that COOL?"

I sat down on the nearest bar stool and just shook my head.

"No Liz, I do NOT think that was cool...that was the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life and I've been around a whole shitload of STUPID in my time!

She acted as though I was crazy.

"Well hell, you just don't know fun when you see it." she cracked.

"Damn it guitar is friggin' kindling! I don't call that COOL!" I snapped at her.

"Oh to hell with that old guitar! We'll go get you a new one, a BETTER one first thing tomorrow!" she screamed. "Stop your damned whining!"

"Really?" I was shocked.

"Sure, you've got my word on it." she said sincerely.

"You ain't gonna like the price tag." I said with a laugh.

"How much is a good guitar going for these days?" she asked.

"A good guitar goes for about $700.00 bucks." I said.

"Well hell, that's not too bad." she said.

"Your problem is that MY guitar wasn't a good guitar was a great guitar." I grinned.

The smile disappeared from her face.

"Just how fucking great was it?"

"Close to two grand....if not a little more." I said.

"Good God." she gasped.

"I hate it for you darlin' but that's the truth." I laughed.

She took a deep breath then suddenly, her face beamed.

" insurance will cover it." she said. "Who knows? Maybe I'll pad the claim a bit and come out ahead in this deal."

This woman was a shady little thing!

"Well, that's your business." I chuckled. "I don't wanna hear about the details."

Unbelievably, the place hadn't emptied out. Most of the folks were still hanging out. Patsy had cranked up the juke box and people were still partying.

Just then, Sara and Libby came scampering over.

"Holy shit! Do you believe that?" Libby squealed.

"Are you ok?" Sara started then she saw what used to be my guitar. "Oh shit!!"

Elizabeth looked at me.

"Let's have a drink." she said.

I asked the girls to excuse me for a moment and moved close to Elizabeth.

"Elizabeth.....I'll have another drink or two with and then I'm going back home." I told her.

She laughed.

"God you're such a wuss."

"Yeah well, you're a friggin' maniac."

"Ain't I though?" she giggle. "Now sit your ass down and let me tell you what I want to do."

We had another couple of Kamikazi's while she laid out her plan.

"I want you to take over this place. It'll be yours to run as you please.... as long as I make money." she began. "What would it take to turn this place into a money maker?" she asked.

I thought about it for a moment. Hell, it couldn't hurt to hear her out and, at least, think it over.


"For starters, I think I'm safe in saying that you shouldn't shoot at the customers. Call me crazy but I think that's just lousy for business." I said sarcastically.

She laughed

"Go on...I'm all ears." she smiled.

" need to shut this sumbitch down for a month or so and remodel." I suggested. "No self respecting whino would be caught dead in here."

"You got that right." she agreed.

"I'd also suggest that you stay the hell out of here but, I'm thinkin' that ain't gonna happen......right?"

She grinned.

"Damn.....cute AND smart!" she said. "I ain't gettin' barred from my own damned place!"

I laughed.

"I'll just say this then." I looked her in the eyes. "We'll talk tomorrow. If we agree to do this, I want our agreement in writing and notarized before we do anything. I ain't gettin' fired everytime your crazy ass get's a fucking hot flash!"

She laughed her ass off.

She was enjoying this.

"Done." she slapped her hand on the bar. "Patsy...two more of them Chinese sumbitches!

"It's Japanese." I said.

She shot me a curious look.

"Who's Japanese?" she asked.

"The drinks....'Kamikazi' is a Japanese said Chinese." I said innocently.

"You are one picky sumbitch!" she snapped.

The drinks came and we drank them.

"Well, I'm gettin' the hell out of here. I'll talk to you tomorrow if you don't change your mind." I said.

"I'm not gonna change my mind." she said quickly. "How are you getting home? You ain't driving my car." she said.

"Hell, it ain't far and I could use the air....I'll walk." I said.

"Hang on....I'll call you a cab." she said.

Just then, Sara came back.

"If you need a ride, why don't I take you home?" she asked, smiling sweetly.

"Well thank you darlin'." I said, grinning at Elizabeth.

"Maybe you could play for me a little bit." Sara said.

I pointed at my broken guitar.

"My guitar is smashed all to hell." I stated the obvious.

She gave me a sexy look and, I swear, she said....

"I'll make you forget all about that old guitar."

What's a guy to say about THAT?

I accepted her kind offer.

To Be Continued.........

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