Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Gretchen, The Hell's Angels....And Me. Part VII

Okay ya'll....when we left this little remnant of my, sometimes unsavory, sometimes wierd, always different misspent youth, we were just getting ready to play our first set for the HELL'S friggin' ANGELS!!

Back To The Story.........

Mike, our lead guitar player was a very strange man. He stood about 6'4" but always stooped down so as not to draw attention to himself.

Once, when I ragged on him about lack of proper posture, he gave me a conspiratorial look and said.

"It's a gotdamn plot dude! Those little short fuckers live FOREVER!" he whispered.

"What the hell are you spoutin' off about?" I was stupified.

He looked around as if any sane person would give a fat rat's ass what the hell we were talking about.

I wouldn't swear to it but....I think marijuana was involved.

Shocking! Just damned shocking!

Mike looked at me and with complete sincerity uttered these words.....

"Goliath, Abe Lincoln, even John fuckin' Wayne!" he almost shouted.

I took another hit....Oh Yeah...I suppose there WAS pot smokin' going on!

"Mikey....what the hell are you talkin' about?" I asked.

"Just think about it Ron....Mickey Rooney, Paul Williams, Robert Blake, all those horrible short little fuckers are still alive suckin' up good air and ALL the GOOD tall fuckers are dead!" he was damned near foamin' at the mouth.

I laughed.

"Mike...get to the point....PLEASE!" I insisted.

He looked at me as though I were a simple minded pupil who couldn't follow the whole, "A is for Apple" concept.

"Dude.....they SHOOT all the tall fuckers!" he fairly sceamed at me.

"And THAT'S why you crouch down? To look short?" I asked.

"Yep." he said.

"Mikey...I hate to fuck up your theory but, John Wayne died of cancer and Goliath took a sharp rock in the middle of his damned forehead!" I told him. "Now granted, ole Abe did have a cap shot in his melon but, that theory of yours is seriously flawed." I believed I was making a damned good argument.

Mike simply looked at me and said....

"Well, I didn't say it right but....damn know EXACTLY what I mean!"

"Fuck YOU Ron!" he spat.

I thought about what he'd said for a second.

"Actually Mike...NO...I DON'T know what you mean!" I told him.

I continued my rebuttal of his ridiculous theory.

"You said that All tall guys get shot but that's not..." I began.

"I already said "Fuck You"! he shouted.

I'm not sure if he was actually pissed off or just nuts....I never was sure about Mike!

"Mike, all I was saying was..."

He stood up to his full 6'4" and roared.....

"I said FUCK YOU....this conversation is OVER sir!!" as he stormed off....indignantly!

THAT was Mike K.

Back To Real Time.....that night.

Mike came up to me and was crouched WAY down. Damn, he would have passed for a 5'8" hunchback!!

"Ron....every ONE of these fuckers are totin' guns!" he hissed.

I had to perform a friggin' deep knee bend to meet him at eye level as I spoke to him.

"Mikey.....I don't give a shit if you hide behind that Marshall amp but play that guitar and shut the hell up. It's gonna be ok." I laughed.

He looked at me as if I was the nutcase here.

"Go for it ain't exactly SHORT you know! Those little fuckers are gunnin' for you" he seemed comforted by the thought.

I turned to the the guys and told them that we were gonna play "Gimme Three Steps" by Skynard and they all agreed.

Mike sidled over to me and said...

"Before this night's over, that might be our fuckin' theme song!"

I laughed.

We played a few songs and they were lovin' us.

The biker chicks made it interesting by periodically flashing hooters at us with reckless abandon.

As we played, I kept an eye out for Gretchen but, so far....she was a no show.

The first set went really well and, by the time we stopped rockin', I think the audience was ready to take a break too.

I stepped up to the microphone and said.

"Thank ya'll, we're gonna take a little break now but, we'll be back in a few minutes."

Suddenly, Gino came up onto the stage and grabbed Tony's microphone.

"Let's hear it for these boys!" he shouted.

The place went NUTS!

He walked to the edge of the stage and placed an empty (thank God) Pickled Pig's Feet jar on the floor. (it's a Southern thing you know.....the pigs feet)

"Fill this motherfucker up and they might jam a little bit more!" he said.

By the time we had made it off the stage, the jar was damned near full!

Larry, the drummer walked up to me.

"Would you look at that tip jar?" he asked.

I laughed.

"Hell, looks like we hit pay dirt dude."

"No....I mean it." he said. "LOOK at the damned tip jar!"

I couldn't believe my eyes.

There WAS alot of cash but there were also bags of pot, pills and baggies of white powder which, of course, could only have been confectioners sugar......or COCAINE!


As I walked to the bar, I was greeted by leather clad people who were shaking my hand, complimenting us and, generally, being very supportive.

Once I finally got to the bar, Big Wanda handed me something in a big glass.

"What the hell is this?" I asked.

She grinned.

"Taste it." she said.

I did and it wasn't bad at all. It had a bite to it that I couldn't quite put my finger on was good. At least I couldn't taste any tequila which, for me, was a good thing. I HATE tequila! Or...rather, tequila hates ME. I once burned my moustache off drinking flaming tequila shots in the Philipines.....a whole other story there.

I took another slug of the drink.

"So...what do you call it?" I asked Big Wanda.

"We call it, "On The House"." she laughed.

"Oh...because it's free?" I asked.

She grinned at me.

"No baby....we call it that 'cause my old man invented it one night and the next mornin' we found him passed out on the roof of my house, buck naked with his dick in the chimney." she roared.

Everyone around us was laughing hysterically.

"What's in it?" I asked while taking another swallow.

"Well, it's part vodka, part gin, a couple of yellow jackets and half a gram of Coke."

Holy shit!

"Tell me you're kidding." I said.

She just grinned.

"Sweet boy, I'll tell you that my tits give chocolate milk but, I'll never tell you I'm kidding."

Oh shit.

I left the drink on the bar and headed for the parking lot until I was stopped by 'Gultch'.

"Where do you think you're goin'?" he demanded.

"I'm just going outside to burn one and get some fresh air." I said honestly.

"No." he said flatly.

"Oh yeah?...why not?" I asked.

"Anything you wanna do can do it inside. This is a private club but the law watches the parking lot like a hawk."

"Ok dude...anything you say." I said.

A little time went by before the front door almost flew open and in stormed Gretchen and an entourage of a dozen people including a half dozen girls.

She ran up to me and kissed me.

"Sorry I'm late but it couldn't be helped." she said.

"Hey, it's your birthday can you be late?" I asked.

"Well, I'm here now so, I'm going to grab a want one?"

"No way...I'm sticking with a bottle. I don't trust Big Wanda since she stuck me with a drink called "On The House"!" I told her.

She didn't know what I meant so I explained.

"Holy crap!" she screamed. "You DRANK it?"

"Well, maybe half of it and I'm starting to "Idle" a bit but I'm ok...for now." I laughed.

She went to the bar and I watched her as she crossed the room. One of the guys in her entourage, walked over to her and grabbed her by the arm...not gently.

She spun around to face him and I could see him speaking angrily. Naturally, being a gallant Southern gentleman, I started to ride to the rescue when, all of the sudden, she reached out and pulled his face down to hers and kissed him...passionately....for quite a while!

What the hell?

I've never been one to be willing to "share the wealth" if you catch my drift and there was no way in hell I was gonna start now.

"Screw her." I thought to myself.

Well, it was time to play again anyway so, I joined to guys back on stage and was talking with them when Gretchen came running up to me.

"Where did you get to?" she asked.

"Right here darlin'... gotta earn my money you know." I said cooly.

"Is something wrong?" she asked

I figured I might as well get this over with now.

"Gretchen, I saw you and that guy over there swappin' spit and that's cool...we ain't exactly in a relationship BUT....I ain't into sharing so, run along and have a good time with your little friends, I've gotta play now." I was pissed but, I don't think I showed it...much.

She looked a bit hurt or confused or both.

"He's not my boyfriend or anything. He came with us and he thinks I'm with him but I'm not...I'm with you if you want me." she said.

"Darlin', you are a gorgeous little thing and it's been fun but, why don't you just hang out with him tonight...maybe we can see each other another time."

Like a veil coming over her face, she underwent a transformation in a matter of seconds. She got PISSED!

"What's the matter?" she asked. "Are you scared of Chase?"

I laughed.

"Chase? Is that his real name?" I asked.

"Yes, why?" she demanded.

I just laughed and shook my head.

"Oh nothing...listen why don't you and Chase go have fun..I've got work to do." I told her. "Ya'll have a good time."

Thankfully, she turned and stormed off to....Chase.

She was glaring at me as she groped ole Chase in the crotch while kissing him.

Geez....Gino was right! This chick was a nut!

Before we could get started playing again, who should come striding to the stage guessed it...Gino.

"Fucked you over didn't she bro?" he was grinning.

I laughed.

"Yeah, I guess she did but, you know how it and learn." I said.

He clapped me on the shoulder and leaned close.

"In a little while, she's gonna beg me to kick your ass all over this place you know." he said with a touch of a chuckle in his voice.

I stared up at him.

"Are you going to?" I asked with great interest in his answer.

He just laughed and turned to walk away.

"Hey Giant dude...I asked you a question!" I shouted over the crowd noise.

He just cocked his head to one side and said...

"I don't think so but.....don't hold me to it." he chuckled.

Well SHIT !

We played the next set and, during the entire 45 minutes to an hour, Gretchen and Chase bumped, groped, kissed, fondled, spindled and debauched each other not ten feet in front of me! It was actually pretty damned entertaining and hilarious to watch but...Chase kept giving me a look that I'd seen before and did NOT like.

This little college puke was trying to get all threatening with me.

Dear God....why me?

We finished the set to an uproar of applause which was quickly followed by outrage that we were actually going to take a friggin' break!

Well, I was in a particularly testy mood all of a sudden me...I blurted out.

"Hey, shut the hell up. I'm doing ya'll a favor! We're gonna sound like the friggin' Allman Brother's after ya'll get a little drunker!" I yelled.

They LOVED it!

This time, as I left the stage, Tony grabbed me by the arm and pointed to the "tip jar". He was grinning.


The jar was full and there was money all over the floor around it intermixed (is that a word?) with drugs of all kinds. Rolled joints, pills, baggies, those little handmade paper envelopes with, God knows what in 'em and last, but certainly not least....

Ya'll gotta just trust me on this one....

Beside the tip jar sat a brand new chain saw with the price tag still hanging on it!

Now, who the hell thought a musician would know how to start a chain saw much less possess the work ethic to actually USE one is beyond me but.....there it was, big as life.

A Homelite as I recall.

Go figure.

To Be Continued..............if blogger doesn't screw me over again!! I've written this drivel TWICE today!! It disappeared on me once.

The good news is that the end is in sight...the tale is almost over.

Read more!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Day From Hell

I'm gonna write about it someday soon but, I can't deal with it right now.

Ok....maybe just a few lines.

My Sister in Law is a fucking moron.

This morning, I was asked to get her computer set up downstairs so that she could go online and check her email.

The request was made by 'She Who MUST be Adored'....Michelle. Dear God I love that little woman!

I agreed to do as she asked.

This was, of course, BEFORE I realized that I had to drill a hole in the floor upstairs to accomodate a Cat 5 cable, rip out TWO sections of ceiling tile in the garage, drill two more holes in the partition leading to the "Younto Room" AND rip down one section of paneling beside the door!

Just fuck me to gotdamned tears!

I'm 52 yrs old, semi retired, suffering from Atrial Fibrulation which means that, 98% of the time, my heart is racing like Lance friggin' Armstrong on the final leg of the "Tour De Surrender Monkey's" and damn it....I don't like the bitch SIL anyhow!

HOWEVER.....I love my wife more than I hate anything else on this planet so.....

I did it.

AFTER I had accomplished the aforementioned dreaded tasks, I walked back downstairs to bask in the 'sure to be forthcoming' praise for my Herculian efforts and what am I confronted with instead?

My precious little wife, Michelle looking pitifull, apprehensive, precious, adorable AND.....confident!!

She hugged me, kissed me and then said.........

"Sweetheart....I knew I was in trouble....."D" (my damned SIL) had a little accident....would you tell me what we can do to fix it?"

I looked into the bedroom she has taken possesion of to find that the bed was COVERED with more clothes than I've ever seen in my life.

Looking further, I saw that, inside the twin door mirrored closet, she had managed to collapse a set of shelves that you could hang the fucking space shuttle on if you had the desire to do so!

Suffice to say that I have been dealing with THAT and the desire to kill "D" all evening so.....

I won't be finishing the latest story tonight.

Sorry folks but, life get's in the way today.

Goodnight, God Bless and please....pray for me 'cause I may KILL "D" soon if she doesn't emerge from her mid life crisis and go back home to her equally moronic husband!

See ya'll tomorrow. I'm going to bed and dream of ways to get away with murder.

Thanks to those of you who drop by....ya'll are great AND appreciated.


Read more!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Gretchen, The Hell's Angels....And Me. Part VI

Damn it....this story just keeps getting longer as I remember more details more promises as to when I'll finish it won't be too much longer.

I don't think so anyway.

Back To The Story..........

As six o'clock approached, I told Gretchen that I needed to go to my house to shower, change, grab my guitars and get ready to play.

"The good thing about playing for the Angel's is, you don't have to worry much about hygiene or fashion!" she cracked.

She said that she would see me at the club in a little while and reminded me to not mention the whole F.B.I. surveilance thing.

Hell, nobody would believe me anyway!

I lived near my Grandma on James Island in those days and as drove by her house on the way to mine...hunger struck! Young, urgent, I'm gonna die if I don't eat a couple of friggin' chickens NOW hunger!

I turned around in Mrs. Daley's driveway and headed back to my Grandma's house.

As I walked in the back door, I called out to her.

"DRANNY!" (Ain't that cute? As a little kid, I must have watched Tweetie Bird or some such shit because, I always called Granny..."Dranny")

(If Guyk is reading this, he's probably shaking his head and growling......."Charming...just friggin' Charming!")

I walked through the little house and found her standing at the stove.

I had been planning on simply raiding the icebox but, God had indeed smiled upon me! She was cooking country style steak, mashed potato's and gravy! Ah...nectar of the gods.

Oh dear Lord that woman could cook!

Unlike most folks who speak of their Grandma's in glowing terms with warm, fuzzy memories, I'm here to tell you....that little woman was meaner than a striped snake when she was vexed!

(Is "vexed" a strictly Southern word?)

My Dranny is gone now and my Mom HATES it when I mention how mean the old lady could be's true! My Mom has a stinging, ascerbic way about her too but, nothing like Dranny. Mom is a true life, Charleston born and bred "Steel Magnolia" but....she's somewhat delusional in her memories of her Dranny now that she's passed away."

The old woman wasn't what you might call, "tender".

I walked into the kitchen and kissed her on the cheek.

" came to see me so you must be hungry." she spat.

I laughed and kissed her again.

"Dranny, I'm so full I couldn't eat another bite. I just wanted to see you before I go play." I lied.

"Which one of those "whoorehouses" are you playin' at tonight?"

"I quit playin' the "whoorehouses" Dranny, I'm playing at the Senior Center on Sullivan's Island. It's "Tommy Dorsey" oughta go with me.

"You're a damned liar Bubba. You're gonna be out there chasin' split tails and you damned well know it!" she grinned at me.

My poor Dranny had lived her entire life dealing with musicians.

My Grandaddy "Shorty" was a local legend who had died young at the age of sixty. He had a western swing band back in the thirties and actually had the first radio music show in Charleston. He played anything with strings and had a voice like Jim Reeves.

All four of my uncles followed suit and are STILL playing music for a living in the Charleston area except for uncle Bill, my hero, who passed away over twenty years ago. Bill was, without question, the funniest sumbitch I've ever known.

I'm gonna write about my Grandaddy and Uncles someday soon. Plenty of material there!

One of my uncle's, Steve, played with a nationally semi-famous band "The Villagers". They had a weekly TV show back in the mid sixties which was seen in almost every state in the U.S. called, "Village Square".

So.....Dranny was well versed in the musician's lifestyle and there was no bullshittin' her.

Dranny looked me up and down.

"Boy, you look like you ain't et in a week. I guess I'm gon' have to feed you after all." she snarled.

She ordered me to sit down and eat whether I was hungry or not. Of course...I did exactly that!

As I was leaving, I hugged and kissed her on the cheek.

"You make sure you wash that mouth before you come back over here kissing on me! I know what you're gonna be doing tonight!"

She ALWAYS said that.

" wouldn't believe what I was doing before I got here today!" I laughed.

She slapped me in the back of the head.

As I was leaving, my aunt Sue pulled in the driveway behind my car.

I ran up to her car and told her I needed to get out.

"Not until you talk to me young 'in." she snapped.

So....I talked to her awhile during which time, I told her that I was playing for the Hell's Angels that night.

"Oh Dear God!" she shouted. "I've heard about them." she gasped.

Just then, my uncle Cleve who lived across the street came strolling up.

Cleve was and still is a world class guitar player in the mold of Clapton and George Benson. He was playing somewhere tonight too.

"Has Mama got supper ready yet?" he asked.

"Yep and it's good!" I said.

"Did you leave any for me?" he snapped.

"Not a morsel." I said.

He grinned and shook his head.

"Mama wouldn't do that to me." he grinned. "Where're you playing tonight?"

I told him.

"Damn lost your damned mind?" he asked.

I told him what had happened and he just shook his head and walked away.

He turned as he got to the back door.

"Bo...I would tell you that you shouldn't let a piece of ass get you into that kind of situation but...who the hell am I to say THAT?"

He was still shaking his head and chuckling to himself as he disappeared in the house.

I kissed my aunt goodbye and waited till she moved her car.

I was pulling out of the driveway when she flagged me down.

" be careful around them Hell people." she said.

"It's Hell's Angels, aunt Sue" I corrected her.

"I KNOW what it is you little shit but anybody who says those two words in the same sentence is goin' to HELL." she snapped and stormed away.

She was 4'10" and a sack of hell...I wasn't going to argue with her! The little munchin still threatened to spank me occasionally and meant it!

I rushed to my house, got ready and was pulling into the parking lot of The Office Lounge at just before eight o'clock. My band mates were waiting outside.

I walked up to them and asked them why they hadn't gone inside yet.

"Hey got us into this shit. We'll be right behind you!" Tony said.

Mike, the bass player was the quiet one in the band. He rarely spoke at all but he piped up.

"Ron, are you sure about this? Those guys look mean." he said.

"Of course they do's part of their deal. It's what they do. Hell, you wouldn't expect 'em to look like Mr. Friggin' Rogers would you? Don't sweat it....we'll be ok."

I went to the door just as it opened.

Standing there was a guy I hadn't seen before.

He stood about 5'5" or so and couldn't have weighed more than 125 with rocks in his pockets. His dirty blonde hair hung below his shoulders and had the scraggliest beard on the planet.

(Is "scraggliest" a word? Oh is in the south.)

"Who the fuck are you?" he demanded.

I laughed and, like the smart ass I am said.

"Well good evening to you too sir."

His expression never changed as he waited for the proper response from me.

"We're the band...Gino hired us to play here tonight." I said respectfully this time.

Well hell, you'de have thought I'd had said "Abra Cadabra" because his demeanor changed immediately and he ushered us to the bar where a BIG woman was seated.

She looked like someone had shaved a friggin' ape and put a sleevless black vest on it.

Dear God she was ugly.

As we reached the bar, the little guy turned around, gave me the biker bro handshake and introduced himself.

"I'm 'Gulch' ". he said with a straight face.

"I'm Ron." I said and introduced the other guys to 'Gulch' and gorilla woman.

"I'm 'Big Wanda' " she said with a friendly smile.

"Ok boys, here's the deal. While you are on the premesis, you have total sanctuary so don't worry, no one can fuck with ya'll here." she stated.

"Well hell....I can dig that." Tony said as he went miraculously from a frightened poodle to a relaxed Labrador.

She gave him a look that could wither steel.

"The operative word you need to remember is "HERE"...what happens out there..." she pointed to the door. "Is YOUR problem so.... I wouldn't piss anybody off if I was you."

"Yes Ma'am" we said, in UNISON.

Gulch chimed in with more helpful advice.

"Bro's, do ya'lls self a favor and don't fuck around with the women. Just play your music and....have fun." he snarled.

"Yes Sir" we UNISON.

'Gulch' made Charles Manson look like Beaver freakin' Cleaver. I don't know if it was a well practiced act he was putting on but, if it was, he was a world class thesbian.

Big Wanda continued.

"Anything you boys want is on the house tonight's your money." she said handing me an envelope. "You can count it if you like." she added.

I thought about it for a split second.

"It would probably piss you off if I did....wouldn't it?" I asked.

"Big time." she said without a hint of humor.

I told her that we normally got paid at the end of the night.

"Honey...there ain't no 'end of the night' around here." she laughed.

"Well, when do we quit playing?" I asked, obviously concerned.

"I guess when Gino says he's ready for ya'll to quit." she said seriously.

"Well I'll talk to him about when he gets here."

She looked at me, laughed out loud, reached out and patted my cheek none-to-gently.

"Yeah talk to Gino."

Well, we went through the sound check and everything sounded good...great actually. The room had great accoustics and the "patrons" were getting into the warm up stuff we were playing but, each time we stopped in the middle of something for a tweak here and there, you would have thought we'd kicked over a Harley or something!

Damn....this could be a LONG night!

After a bit....a roar filled the building and I knew it was either a jumbo jet crashing into the place or 16,000 Harley's pulling into the parking lot.

Sure enough, shortly thereafter, the combined casts of Hell's Angels on Wheels, The Wild One and Chopper Chicks in Zombietown came piling into the place.

Holy shit, the joint filled up quick!

Immediatly, I spotted Gino. Hell, I'd have had to have been blind not to spot him. That big sumbitch could block out the sun!

I started towards him but he waved me back and held up a finger as if to say, "wait a minute". So...of course...I stayed put.

He finished his conversation with Big Wanda and Gulch and ambled over to where I stood talking with the guys.

"What's up bro?" he asked.

Without waiting for a reply he said.

"Big Wanda says you boys got a problem with the deal."

"Not really, it's just that we don't know what the deal IS." I said.

"It's simple bro....I pay, you play." he sneered at me.

"Well hell, I know that but for how long? We normally knock off at two a.m.....anything after that is extra." I told him.

He laughed and slapped me on the back.

"No fuckin' problem litte dude. We're gonna have some fun tonight and, if anyone fucks with you, you let old Gino know." he roared.

Damn it. I didn't like being called 'little dude'. Hell, I'm 6'2" and, at that time, weighed around 225 or so. Not exactly little. So.....I braced myself and stated flatly...

"You got it big guy."

What? You been reading my shit this long and you expected me to get all Charles Bronson on that friggin' behemoth?

Yeah....when donkey's fly.


Gino asked me if I'd seen Gretchen.

Oh shit....that big sumbitch had a way of keeping you off guard! Nice and easy one minute....menacing the next.

Knowing what Gretchen had told me about him spying on her, I figured that I may as well tell him the truth.

"Yeah I went out to the house to see her after I left here."

I must admit, I was a bit trepidacious (isn't that the French word for scared shitless?) at having to cop to the truth but...I figured lying was more dangerous at this point.

He was obviously not accustomed to having his advice ignored and it showed.

He just shook his head sadly.

"Your funeral bro." was all he said as he walked away.

Gulch came up and asked us when we were gonna start playing.

"How 'bout thirty minutes?" I asked.

"Ok...I'll let 'em know. Turn on the microphones" he ordered.

We did as commanded. He got up on the stage and grabbed a mic.

"Ok boys and girls...welcome to Gretchen's birthday party!" he roared.

The crowd went wild.

"These boys here are called 'Chrystal River' and Gino says they kick ass." he pointed to us.

Again, the crowd went wild.

"The motherfuckers BETTER be!" he added.

Yet another thunderous reaction.

Tony leaned close to me.

"I hope we're as good as Gino thinks we are."

"Shit, just make sure it's LOUD." I said.

To Be Continued..........later tonight.

Gotta go do some stuff for She Who Must Be Adored!

Read more!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Gretchen, The Hell's Angels....And Me. Part V

Ok's where the plot actually DOES thicken and, since I'm such a nice guy I'll go ahead and tell ya'll. This isn't going to be the last installement of this little yarn.

I know....I'm an asshole.

I can just hear Jackie Sue goin' off on me now!! (Fuckity, Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!!)

I've been thinking about what happened lo those many moons ago and, I actually called my old buddy Tony H. to talk about it. We talk periodically anyhow but, for some reason, this incedent hasn't come up in a long, long time.

The main reason I even called him was that I have recently been accused of "fabricating" this story, among others, and I wanted to get another take on the tale from an actual participant in the situation.

In a hilarious phone call with him, he reminded me of a few things that had SOMEHOW slipped my mind over the years. I experienced one of those forehead slapping moments when, in an instant, it all came back to me when Tony mentioned the F.B.I., (yeah, THAT F.B.I)!

Actually, the plot didn't exactly got damned FAT! Damn the stuff you can forget over the years. It's scary.

Back To The Tale............

The conversation I had with Gino left me wondering what the hell was going on. Was Gretchen a maniac? Was Gino a maniac? Were they BOTH maniacs? How the hell was I supposed to know?

Trust me, I wanted to believe that Gretchen was NOT a crazy woman because, of course, she was a one of the best looking women I'd ever met much less.....ummm..... gotten to the biblical sense!

A fella's judgement can be clouded by such things you know.

I mean DAMN...what's a young man to do?

Being that it was still early in the afternoon, I drove out to Gretchen's house on Seabrook Island. As I pulled into the driveway, I could see that her van was still parked in the driveway. I parked my car beside the van, got out and walked to the front door.

The sun was shining and the wind was blowing from the ocean. It was one of those picture post card days. It couldn't be more perfect weather.

I rang the door bell and waited.

A few minutes went by but no one answered the door so, I walked around to the back of the house in the sand.

I turned the corner and peered cautiously in to the back yard which was, actually, the beach.

No one was there.

I walked onto the wrap around deck and knocked on the double sliding glass doors while chancing a glance through the glass into the living room.

Still no sign of life.

I finally gave up, sat down on the deck railing and watched the surf roll in for several minutes while pondering the whole situation.

I reached into my pocket, pulled out a joint I had stashed there, and lit it with some difficulty in the wind.

As I was deep in thought and holding in a lungful of pot, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Jeez.....I damn near had a freakin' stroke right then and there!!

It was Gretchen...thank God!

She was laughing at me as I clutched my chest and hopped down off the railing.

"I didn't hear you drive up." she said. "Can I have a hit?"

She was standing on the deck wearing a bright pink bikini which barely covered the good stuff.

I looked at her sheepishly.

"Sure...if I can find the damned thing! I flicked it down there somewhere when you scared the shit out of me." pointing below the deck.

She giggled.

"Don't worry about it...I've got some in the house. It's the shit that killed Elvis. You're gonna love it." she giggled as she threw her arms around my neck.

"I'm so glad you came back. I was afraid you had been scared off by Gino........Grandpa said he liked you alot." she said.

"He's a cool old guy. I really enjoyed partying with him. That old man can shoot some pool!" I said.

She took my hand and led me inside the house.

"Did he get you drunk?" she asked playfully.

"No...I think I did that on my own but, Gino said he likes pour his drinks down the sink while his opponent gets sloshed."

She laughed.

"Yep...that's my Grandpa. He's a nut." she said as she walked to the kitchen.

I was thinking to myself....

Who the hell in this entire family ISN'T a nut?

I watched her go to the freezer and pull out a huge bag of pot. She came to the bar, opened the baggie and started rolling a joint.

"You want a beer or something?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'd like a beer." I said.

She grabbed a beer, opened it for me and placed it on the bar.

She looked at me for a second with those big, liquid blue eyes.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

I started to lie but instead, I opted for honesty.

"I just left Gino and he warned me not to get involved with you." I said matter of factly.

She gave that some thought as she used her perfect pink tongue to lick the joint she had just rolled. She then placed it her mouth and pulled it out slowly.

She handed it to me.

Lord have mercy!

"Not get involved with me?" she laughed. "Don't you think it's a little too late for that?" she grinned.

She offered me a light and, of course, I dutifully fired up the joint. I inhaled deeply and passed it to her.

"Gretchen...ordinarily, I wouldn't let any girl's brother bother me be honest, Gino ain't your typical concerned brother."

She exhaled, passed it back to me and laughed.

"You can say that again." she said.

There was a moment of silence until she spoke again.

"He's made a habit of tying to scare off any guy I go out with." she said. "Did he tell you that I'm crazy?"

"Yeah, actually he told me that you are bad news." I told her.

She laughed and shook her head sadly.

"Ron...Gino killed a boyfriend of mine for no fucking reason except that he is crazy! she was almost shouting.

"He got convicted of second degree murder and served eight years for it. He still believes he didn't do anything wrong."

"What the hell happened?" I asked.

She took a deep breath, walked around the counter and sat down on the stool next to me.

"I was fifteen years old and...I had the hots for an older man. David was his name. He was cute, tall and only seventeen years old at the time.... We went to Folly his parent's beach house. Of course, one thing led to another and we had sex. Afterwards, we drank some kind of booze from the bar and David got drunk. Sick and drunk. He passed out in the bedroom and, not knowing any better, I thought he was dying or something." she took another big hit off the joint.

"What happened next?" I asked.

"Like a dumb ass...I called Gino and told him what happened. I told him that David wouldn't wake up and that I was afraid that he was dying." she was visibly shaken.

"Well, about twenty minutes later, Gino showed up. He was drunk or wired or both. Anyway, he started screaming about me being a little whore and asked me where David was. I pointed towards the bedroom and Gino went in." she said. "A couple of seconds later, I heard three shots."

She began sobbing and looked up at me, tears running down her perfect cheeks.

"He shot him in the head just before I walked into the room ....David was still moving when I got there." she took a deep breath. "Gino just grabbed my arm and led me outside."

"Damn." what the hell could I say?

She took a deep breath then looked at me with a steady gaze.

"He tells EVERYBODY that it was MY fault but, the truth is, when I needed him to help me out of a scary situation, he made it worse. I was just a kid! I will never get that scene out of my mind." she said angrily. "I never should have called him...if I hadn't, David would still be alive."

I held her as she sobbed.

"Why the hell did he get off with only eight years?"

"They called it a crime of passion or whatever. He played the gallant big brother to the hilt and, he had the best attorney in the state.....paid for by the Angels."

She looked at me and smiled sadly.

"You know, in a way, Gino's right about me being crazy. I did spend almost a year in a private sanitarium in Georgia after it happened. Everytime I closed my eyes, all I could see was David lying there dying." she told me.

"Well damn, I guess that would mess a person up for a while but, you seem to be fine now." I said.

She stepped back from me a bit, turned and started to walk away.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

She looked back over her shoulder as she pulled off her top.

"You remember the way to the bedroom?" she giggled.

Oh hell yeah...she was fine alright.

My memory isn't what it used to be and of course, my wife reads this stuff but, I think it's safe to say that we did not discuss physics, literature or politics. Hell, I don't actually recall a word being spoken at all!

Afterwards, I told her that I was going to call Gino and cancel the gig.

She gave me a look of horror.

" can't DO THAT!" she was obviously serious. "Ron, I don't know what he'd do but I wouldn't like it. Neither would I."

Being young, cocky and stupid, I of course, had to say it.....

"Gretchen, I'm not afraid of him."

"Yes you are." she said. "You're not stupid enough to NOT be afraid of him. He's a killer and not just ONCE!"

I laughed and said.

"Ok..maybe I AM a little scared of him but still, I don't feel like going back there after what you told me." I told her.

She thought about that for a minute before speaking again.

"I'm going to tell you something but, you've got to swear that you won't tell a living soul AND that you won't get mad at me until I can explain." her face told me that she was very serious.

Well damn....inquiring minds have GOT to know so...I agreed.

"I haven't seen Gino in a long time until last night but, he calls me constantly, he's threatened boyfriends, had people watching me and, even threatened me." she explained.

She hesitated as if debating whether or not to continue.

"What?" I prompted her to finish it.

"The F.B.I., D.E.A and A.T.F. have been after Gino and the Hell's Angels for years and, about a month ago, a couple of F.B.I. agents came to school and asked me to help them." she stated.

"No shit?" I was amazed.

"Well, what did you tell 'em?"

"I told them that I love my brother but that I'm scared to death of him. He's out of control and dangerous so...yes, I'd help them." she hung her head.

I thought about that for a moment.

"So, how are you helping them?" I was curious.

"Do you remember the three girls that were with me last night?" she asked.

"Hell, there were a bunch of girls with you....which ones?"

"It doesn't matter, you'll meet them tonight anyway but, all three of them are F.B.I. agents. Well...actually two are F.B.I. and one is D.E.A."

"Holy shit!" I couldn't believe my ears.

"So what? Are they gonna bust him tonight or something?" I asked.

"No but the place is bugged, they have all kind of cops watching and....I'll be wearing a wire in case he says something they can use." she explained.

A friggin' WIRE? What the fuck was I getting into? This was sounding like a bad Miami Vice episode! In Charleston, South Carolina? Damn!!

She could see the wheels spinning in my beady little brain.

"Nothing is gonna happen tonight but, I've got to be there. I want him locked up so I can get on with my life! I'm not asking you to do anything except play like you told him you would." she said. "Gino thinks this birthday party is going to fix things between us and I want him to believe that."

Of course, being young, ten foot tall, bullet proof and eager for her to think I was fearless. I brushed it off with a chuckle.

"Well hell, this oughta be fun to watch." I laughed.

I actually believed it.....Oh the innocence of youth.

She laughed and jumped on top of me.

"I promise, I didn't mean to get you involved in this." she said sweetly.

"Awww, this kind of shit happens to me all the time." I joked. "Hell, it's the third time this month I've been caught up in an F.B.I. sting!"

She laughed and jumped out of bed.

"Let's go for a swim!" she said.

"Oh hell no!" I said. "I'm not falling for that shit again..........I've gotta get home and get ready to play. I've only got three hours to get home, showered, changed and be there by eight for a sound check."

She looked disappointed as she turned away from me and began stretching like a cat.

At one point, she bent over and placed her hands flat down on the floor providing me a view which was unparalelled in nature!

"Damn it!! If I'm late, Gino is gonna KILL me!" I said.

She stood up faced me and grinned.

"If I don't kill you first!" she laughed.

That girl KNEW she was HOT!!

To Be Continued...and finished, tomorrow!

Read more!