Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Today was a strange day. It was cold and rainy all day and, I must admit, I cannot stand these kind of days.

All day long, I tried to hammer out article content for our tourism websites. This may seem like a cake job but, trust me, it sucks. I mean many different ways can you describe a fucking mountain view?

Yeah....they are beautiful, I'll give you the whole 'awe inspiring' thing, 'breathtaking' fits right in, 'magnificent' works and, of course 'gorgeous' just freakin' nails it sometimes but, beyond that....what the fuck IS there to say? I'm not complaining...I'm just sayin'.

Having said that....I'm just tired of writing ANYTHING! Hell, I may never stroke a key board again! So...I'm gonna take my beautiful little wife to the lake and spend the weekend at our humble place there. I may even go to the Moose Lodge where the drinks, food and jokes are cheap. Shit...I'm feelin' adventurous!

Hell, if she wears THOSE jeans and THAT pink top...who knows?

I might have to knock some dude out!

Just kidding...the average age of the guys at the Moose Lodge is..well,....DEAD!

Living with the SIL downstairs has taken a toll on us and damn it, that stupid bitch can HAVE the entire house for the weekend!

We are getting the hell out of here for a couple of days. I have no DSL at the lake so, I won't be posting any more of my increasingly lame assed crap for the next couple of days.

I'm going to dedicate the next couple of days to reminding my wife that she is the most precious creature God ever created and that I'm the luckiest man to ever to draw a breath for having her in my life!

I wish ya'll could know Michelle...she's MAGIC!

I hope ya'll have a great weekend.

I'll see you soon.


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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Carl's Corner... Part XII

I started this latest installment around eight p.m. tonight but, unfortunately, life got in the way! I’ll have to remember to tell ya’ll about it later but, suffice to say…I have been preoccupied tonight!

Michelle and I have been laughing our asses off recalling this tale and, last but not least, I have been writing article content for my real job all day so….I’m tired of typing!!

My old hands are aching like I need to pop a pain pill……SOON!

Please forgive the short nature of this post but……I’m typed out, laughed out and just plain exhausted tonight.

I hope ya’ll find this short installment as funny as Michelle and I did. I wish ya’ll could know Tony…that little fucker is FUNNY!

I hope ya’ll agree.

Back To The Story………………

True to her word, Elizabeth orchestrated the cleaning of Carl’s and, when I got there at a little past 7:30 pm; the place was back to normal.

Patsy was seated at the bar in her customary seat, Carla was behind the bar, there were a few dozen patrons hanging out and, oh by the way…..there were no congealed bodily fluids visible, or….smell-able on the new hardwood floor.

Elizabeth was nowhere to be found and, of course, Josef was absent as well. I was shocked….SHOCKED I tell you!

Who’da thunk it?

To my surprise, before I could reach the bar where I was going to talk to Patsy, Tony walked through the door. I saw him walk to the spot where David had gone to visit that, big Asshole Convention in the sky and stare at the floor.

He just stared at the spot.

I walked over to him.

“Hey dude. Glad to see you’re here!” I said.

He didn’t even acknowledge my presence for a minute or so.

He simply stared at the floor.

Finally, he turned to me.

“Man, ahain’ nevgonna forget tha shitmyan.” He mumbled. (Translation: Man, I ain’t ever gonna forget that shit man.)

“Yeah, me either.” I said. “But….he was an asshole!”

He looked at me with a strange look on his face. It looked as though he was smelling a big, steaming pile of dog shit.

“What the fuck do you reckon that sumbitch ate for dinner that night?” he asked.

“What?” I asked.

I was befuddled at the question.

“That sumbitch smelled like a fuckin’ sewer when he crapped his pants!” he said. “Ahain nevsmelled noshi lahk at bufore.” (Translation: “I ain’t never smelled no shit like that before!”)

I thought I was gonna fall over laughing at him.

He looked at me.

“I’m serious man….it’s bad enough that your dumbass get’s killed because you are too fuckin’ stupid to fire a pistol that a gotdamned retarded monkey could shoot!” He shook his head and chuckled. “On top of THAT….. as your last act on earth……. you SHIT your fuckin’ pants in public!”

I was laughing even harder now.

He looked me in the eyes with a serious look on his face.

“You know…..God must have REALLY HATED that stupid mutherfucker!” He said with a laugh.

I almost passed out on the exact spot that ole David had died on the night before!!!

“Shut the hell up!” I said breathlessly.

“I’m just saying man……that’s fucked up!” he said. “He was an asshole OK…..but DAMN dude…..Charlie friggin’ Manson shouldn’t be required to shit his fuckin’ pants in PUBLIC on his way out of this world….that’s just fucked up!

I staggered away laughing, leaving him still staring at the floor.

I couldn’t take it anymore!

I walked over to the bar.

“What’s so funny?” Patsy asked.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” I laughed.

“Try me.” She said.

I told her and, by the time I had finished telling her about it, she was laughing hysterically.

Seconds later, Tony walked up to the bar and addressed Carla.

“Hey baby…let me get a couple of Mick Lite’s and a Kamikazi for me and Ron.” He said.

I turned around to tell Carla that I didn’t really want a Kamikazi just then but, before I could say anything, Tony continued…..

“I’m hungry Carla….but…I’ve gotta ask…….did David eat anything here last night?”

Patsy and I damn near died!

Carla looked at us as if we were insane.

She ignored us and answered his question.

“No… fact, he told me he’d die before he ever ate here.” She said.

Patsy and I fell into each others arms laughing.

Tony looked at us and said…….

“Well……..” He smiled. “I guess that sumbitch got ONE fuckin' thing right before he took that last big shit in his pants!”

Patsy and I pounded the bar!

I thought I was gonna pass out!

To Be Continued Tomorrow………..sorry ya’ll, I’m tired!

I didn't get to the Eddie Snow thing but.....I will tomorrow.

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Carl's Corner... Part XI

To all of you who raised hell at me for the last installment of “Carl’s Corner”…..I’m friggin’ sorry!

Thanks for the comments guys and gals!

The truth is that my time at “The Corner” lasted for well over a year and a half. During that time, I can recall some very strange events which, since ya’ll don’t seem to mind…I will continue to relate.

I was telling Michelle, the precious wife, about how some of ya’ll were giving me hell about ending the story so abruptly.

She hadn’t read the last installment until this morning. Once she finished it, she turned to me and said, I quote,

“Honey, that was great but there’s no way you’re going to end it thereARE YOU?”

My answer?

No Ma’am.

So...We Go Back To The Story........

As we all stood around in the parking lot, I realized that Dex, Liz and Josef were still inside the bar. I really didn’t want to do so but, I felt like I needed to go back inside and see what the hell was going on.

To my everlasting astonishment, Elizabeth was standing behind the bar, pouring a drink and laughing about something. David’s body was still lying on the floor but someone had covered him up with a table cloth.

Thankfully, the smell had dissipated a bit.

I walked to the bar to where Dex and Josef sat.

“Are you ok dude?” I asked Dex.

He looked at me.

“Twenty years as a cop and that’s the first time I ever shot somebody.” He looked tired. “I’ve shot AT some people but, never actually hit ‘em.”

I felt sorry for him. I reached out and patted him on the shoulder.

“Man that’s gotta be rough but, you didn’t have a choice Dex, he was gonna kill Liz.” I said.

He looked up at me as though I was an idiot.

“Rough?” He snapped. “Fuck that prick, he was a piece of shit! You cannot IMAGINE the fuckin’ bullshit I’m gonna have to go through because of that shit!” He pointed to David’s body.

Damn! That son of bitch had just snuffed out a man’s life and he was pissed about the paper work!

“Damn Dex….that’s cold dude.” I said.

“Fuck him!” he said.

Elizabeth slid a Kamikazi towards me.

“It’s a double.” She grinned. “Looks like you could use it.”

She was right. I tossed it back and slid the glass back to her.

“That tastes just like another one please.” I told her.

I have to admit, I was shaken. While I had seen some bad shit in my time, I had never, at that point in my life, ever seen someone killed in front of me.

My hands were shaking.

“Well, you’re taking this well Liz.” I said sarcastically.

She chuckled.

“Fuck that sumbitch!”
she spat. “Dex saved me a gotdamned bullet.”

Suddenly, the front window filled with twirling blue lights. Sirens were screaming and a steady procession of cops and EMS personnel came rushing in.

One of the paramedics rushed to the body and pulled back the table cloth.

“He’s dead guys, don’t waste your time.” Dex said, flashing his badge.

An older grey haired cop walked up to Dex.

“Are you the shooter Dex?” he asked calmly.

“Yeah, I shot him.” He said flatly.

“Is everybody here ok?” the cop asked.

We all just looked at him but no one said a word until Liz spoke up.

“That motherfucker on the floor is having a bad night but, the rest of us are doin’ just fine!” She laughed. Liz was getting a BIG buzz.

“And who might you be?” the cop asked her.

“I MIGHT be the one layin' under that fucking table cloth but ole Dex drilled his ass first.” She said.

The old cop looked weary.

“Who is that guy?” he asked, pointing to the body.

“He WAS my ex husband.” She snapped. “Now he’s a stinkin' gotdamned corpse and don’t ya’ll think that I’m payin’ for his fuckin’ funeral!”

Josef stood up, reached out and grabbed Liz’z wrist.

“Shut up pretty lady.” He said.

Liz started to say something but Josef beat her to the draw.

“Elizeeabeth, say not one more vord!” he growled.

The old cop looked at Liz.

“He’s offering you good advice lady….you ought to listen to him.” He said. “Who runs this place?”

“I do.” I said.

“This is MY gotdamned place!” Elizabeth shouted.

Unbelievably, Josef reached across the bar, grabbed Liz under both arms and LIFTED her from behind the bar! I don’t think her legs ever touched the bar. He promptly sat her down on his lap.

“Shut up your fuckin’ mouth!” he shouted.

She never said a word after that.

The cop looked me up and down.

“You wanna step outside and talk?” he asked.

“Sure.” I answered.

He then looked at Dex.

“I’m gonna have to take your gun and badge Dex.” He stated. “You can come outside with us.”

Dex surrendered his weapon and badge.

I held up a finger to the cop in the international sign for wait a second as I snapped up the Kamikaze on the bar and quickly downed it.

“I wish you hadn’t done that sir.” The old guy said.

“Yeah well, I wish the fuck I’d never taken this damned job.” I snarled while looking at Liz.

We went outside and I told him my version of what had taken place. Dex had been escorted to a cruiser where he sat on the trunk while I was being interviewed.

After I had finished explaining things to Lt. Clark….(that was his name)…he said something I will never forget.

“You’re damned lucky Dex didn’t shoot him with his .44 magnum.” he chuckled. "That's what he carries on duty."

I asked him what he meant.

“According to your account of the shooting, you were directly behind the victim when he was shot.” He said.

“Yeah..he was right in front of me. Fifteen or twenty feet away.” I answered.

“The victim was hit dead center in the chest. Chances are, a .44 magnum would have passed clean through him and hit you or your partner.” He explained.

Well damn!!

I was speechless.

There had been times that I had been in extreme danger in my life but, I had never seen a man killed nor had I been ‘in the line of fire’ as I had been that night. Hell, I had been blown off a porch with a .410 shotgun by a drug crazed friend but, I’d never seen anything like I had witnessed that night!

Suddenly, I felt very, VERY tired.

Lt. Clark told me to shut the place down which, of course, I did.

Everyone cleared out. They removed David’s body and I locked the place up tightly.

Several us were at the police station that night during which time, I answered the exact same questions at least ten times.

Shortly before 5:00 am, Lt. Clark entered the room where I was waiting and told me that I was free to go. I thanked him.

“Well, it looks like Dex shot him straight up. Nothing else he could have done.” He said.

“Yeah, that’s the way I saw it.” I said.

“Well, go on home and we’ll be in touch.” He told me.

I suddenly realized that I was miles from home with no car.

“How am I supposed to get home?” I asked.

“I’ll drive you back to get your car.” He told me.

He dropped me off at Carl’s where I had left my car. I drove home, took a shower and fell into bed. It took me just about two seconds to go to sleep.

I awoke at two pm because someone was knocking on my door. Grudgingly, I crawled out of bed, stumbled to the door and demanded to know who in hell had disturbed my much needed slumber.

You guessed it. It was Elizabeth.

I let her in.

“Did I wake you?” she asked.

“Yeah, you did but, I needed to get up pretty soon anyway.” I said testily.

“My, my, aren’t we in a bad mood?” she said. “What time did you get home?”

“Around five thirty. How about you?” I asked. “They kept me away from everyone else. I never saw you, Tony, Dex, Josef or Patsy.”

“That’s strange, they let me and Josef go around three.” She told me.

“Hell, I wonder why they kept me longer than ya’ll?” I pondered out loud.

“I don’t know, probably because you spoke up and said you were the one in charge.” She said haughtily.

“Yeah well, I was in charge.” I said defensively.

She went to the kitchen.

“Have you got any coffee?” She asked.

“Nope, I don’t drink coffee.” I said.

“You’re a fuckin’ barbarian.” She laughed.

“So….why are you here visiting the barbarian?” I asked.

She looked at me.

“Is it true that you told Josef to hit on me?”
she asked with strange look on her face.

“Yeah, I suppose I did.” I admitted.

She smiled.

“Well, I guess I owe you one!” she said. “That funny talkin’ sumbitch rode me like a rented mule all night!”

“Jeez Liz….I could have gone all year without hearing that!” I laughed. “Too much friggin’ info there darlin’.”

“Oh lighten up… old crazy broads need love too.” She grinned.

“Elizabeth, do you, by any chance, happen to remember that your ex husband got killed last night?” I was incredulous at her happy state of mind.

“Fuck that dead sumbitch!” she snarled.

I went to the refrigerator and grabbed a Mountain Dew.

“Did you ever love him?” I asked.

She pondered the question for a second.

“Yeah, I suppose I did for a few months but, let me tell you something young fella.” She glared at me. “It is true that love never dies but, it can damn sure be killed! David killed any love I ever had for him a long time ago.”

I considered what she had said for a moment.

“That’s a pretty damned profound statement for a crazy old broad.” I admitted. “What set him off last night?”

“He came to me for more money the other day and I finally cut him off. He threatened me with the same old blackmail shit but, I finally had the goods on his ass!” she laughed.

“I thought he you told me that he had the upper hand on you.” I said.

“Yeah, he did for a while but, someone, I’m sure I can’t guess who, broke into his house and stole his evidence against me.” She winked at me. “What a lucky break for me huh?”

“Oh yeah….lucky break.” I laughed.

“The kicker was when I told him I knew all about his little affair with an underage girl who lived next door to him.” She grinned. “I had him cold and he snapped I guess.”

“You’re lucky he didn’t try and shoot you with a revolver.” I said. “You’d be the dead one now.”

“That stupid fucker couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with bass fiddle.” She chuckled. “Fucker couldn’t shoot straight for shit.”

I laughed and sat on the sofa.

“You still haven’t told me why you’re here Liz.”

“I wanted to see when you were planning on opening up the club.” She said.

“I’m gonna call Patsy and get her to arrange for someone to clean up the mess David left. We can reopen tomorrow as far as I’m concerned.” I told her.

“Shit, if that’s all you’re worried about, I’ll get someone over there right now and you can be opened at five o’clock today.” She told me.

“So much for a day of mourning for old David huh?” I laughed. “Go ahead…I’ll call Patsy and let her know.”

“Thanks for not arguing with me.” She said. “I need to start makin’ some money off that sumbitch.”

“Ok, not a problem. I’ll call Josef and make sure he’ll be there.” I said.

“No need for that, he’s at my place.” She grinned. “Poor boy needed some rest after all the effort he put out last night.”

“Yeah….poor boy.” I laughed.

“I’ve gotta go take care of things….and, of course, Josef.” She shot me a sly grin. “I might be a little late getting there.”

“Hell, hang out with Josef…..we’ll be alright without him….and you.” I laughed.

She walked to the door and opened it.

“I’ll be there…I don’t think poor Josef can handle much more today!” she winked. "It ain't like we're gonna do any talkin'! I can hardly understand a fuckin' word he says!"

She left and I had no sooner shut the door when Tony called.

“Hey man….what are you gonna do tonight?” he asked.

“I’m gonna do the same thing you are…I’m going to Carl’s.” I told him. “We’re gonna pick and grin a bit.”

“You’ve gotta be shittin’ me!” he said.

“No, actually I hadn’t planned on opening tonight but Liz was just here and she said she needed to start making some money so….I told her I’d be there.” I explained.

“Man, ah don think ahmup t’goin back air yet!” he mumbled. (translation: Man, I don’t think I’m up to going back there yet.)

“Yeah well, you better be there.” I laughed. “The show must go on dude. Man up!”

“Come on man…..” he began.

“Tony, you do what you wanna do but I’m tellin’ you, if you don’t show up tonight, Liz is gonna be pissed.” I explained.

“Screw her.” He snapped.

“Actually….I think Josef is handling that as we speak so….I’ll see you there at 8:00.” I laughed. “You better be there Tony.”

“Sumbitch, I’ll be there I guess.” He mumbled as he hung up the phone.

To Be Continued Ya’ll…..

Tune in tomorrow when you will hear about a guy named Eddie Snow....the most obnoxious piece of shit I've ever met.

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Sunday, September 17, 2006

Carl's Corner... Part X

The night of the reopening of Carl's Corner was not exactly going smoothly when we left our story.

Allan, the idiot cook had cracked his head open when I caught him smoking pot in the kitchen and now, Josef, the Serbian bouncer was as mad as a wet setting ME!

Back To Our Story.......

I was on one knee in the parking lot laughing like a damned fool as Josef came at me.

"Wait a second big guy!" I shouted.

He stopped.

"Look dude, I'm sorry...I'm not laughin' at you." I said, standing up.

"Vaht you laughing at?" he demanded angrily.

I thought carefully before I spoke.

“You speak Serbian or whatever the hell it is you speak right?” I asked.

“Vaht dat haf to do with laughing?” he asked.

“Haven’t you ever heard someone speak Serbian when they don’t speak it well?” I asked.

He didn’t say a word.

I continued.

“Dude, you speak English pretty damned well but, when you get excited, you kind of screw it up sometimes.” I laughed. “You don’t put the words in the correct order sometimes and damn it, it’s a little funny!”

I’m not sure he actually followed my meaning exactly, but, at least he didn’t look as pissed as he once did.

I walked up to him and offered my hand.

Grudgingly, he shook it.

“Vaht I say dats so damned funny?” he asked. A slight smile appeared on his face.

“Well, for one thing, you said that I was 'fucking you right up your assole!'” I laughed.

A light went on and I could see him begin soften a bit. He looked a little sheepish.

"You've gotta agree big guy, you understand English a hell of lot better than you speak it." I said.

"Yah vell maybe so I must guess." he said.

I could tell he was still not real happy about the whold business but, I no longer thought he was going to rip my spleen out through my nose.

Just then Dex came walking up.

"Elizabeth is about to have a fit for ya'll to start playing again." he chuckled.

"Is she drunk?" I asked.

He laughed.

"We ARE talkin' about Liz here."

"Dat beautiful lady don should drink so very much." Josef said.

"Aw hell, she's just unhappy, lonely and horny." Dex said.

Josef smiled.

"I help vith the horny!" he said eagerly.

"She's too old for you Josef." I said.

"I like zee older voman....dey haff 'sperience and dey very happy to share it." he laughed.

Dex looked at me and grinned.

"Hell, Josef, you oughta put the moves on her...I'll bet she'd go for it in a heart beat!" he said. "She'd love your ass!"

"Is not my ass I vant her for to love!" he laughed.

"Well, do us all a favor big boy, go back in there and hang out with Elizabeth." I suggested. "You don't need to guard the door."

"I vill put moves on Elizabeth." he said as though he were taking on a mission.

"This oughta be fun to watch." Dex laughed. "I'll bet he goes home with her tonight."

I looked at Josef.

"Dude, if you can hook up with Liz....take the rest of the night off and get her the hell out of here." I told him.

Dex fired up a huge joint and we stood there in the parking lot laughing, smoking and talking.

When we'd finished, I had one hell of a buzz and we decided to go back in the club.

As soon as we walked up to the bar, Elizabeth started in.

"I ain't paying you fuckers to hang out in the gotdamned parking lot!" she snapped. She was obviously slipping into the 'hammered' zone.

Before I could say a word, Josef slid by me to stand beside her.

"I beg forgeevaness beautiful lady....iss all my fault." he said while grasping her hand.

She looked perplexed.

"I vas haffing talk vith my friends about you." he said.

"What about me?" she demanded.

He leaned closer to her.

"I vas telling zim zat I am attracted to you but....I tink it not my place to tell you so." he explained.

Well shit! She went from pissed to flattered in record time!

Cary Grant didn't have shit on ole Josef.

He continued his charm attack.

"If I haff offended you, I vill now say goodbye." he added.

He even kissed her hand and did one of those European 'head nod' things!

This big sumbitch was smooth.

Liz was mesmerized.

I looked at Dex.

He was grinning.

I had never really thought about it before then but, Josef looked a bit like the old actor Claude Akins except for the fact that he was huge! You couldn't call him handsome I guess but, Elizabeth was looking at him like he was Sean friggin' Connery.

She seemed to sober up and a big smile flashed across her face.

"Offended me?" she asked increduously. "I'm flattered Josef."

She then looked at me.

"I'm not telling you how to do your job Ron but, shouldn't you go play some music?" she asked sweetly.

"You're right Liz." I said. "Josef, why don't ya'll get to know each other?"

Dex looked at me and whispered.

"Ah...young love.'' he chuckled.

I left the two love birds at the bar and went in search of Tony who was busy chatting with the little Asian girl he’d met earlier.

“Do you think you can tear yourself away for a little while?” I asked sarcastically.

He introduced me to Betty Lou.

Yep, that was her name. Call me racist but, I was expecting an Oriental name but nope…she was Betty Lou.

“Betty Lou?” I asked as I shook her hand.

She flashed a genuine smile at me.

“You were expecting Sun Li or Yung Chi or maybe….” She laughed.

“Ok, sorry….guilty as charged…I’m a dumbass.” I admitted.

“Not a problem dude…I thought your name would be Gomer, or Jethro, or maybe…” she began.

“Hey!” I laughed. “I said I’m sorry.”

“Just messin’ with you dude. Its ok.” She said.

We left her still laughing at me and made our way back to the stage.

I remember distinctly that the first song we played was, “Help Me Hold On” by Travis Tritt and I’ll be damned if the first couple on the dance floor wasn't Liz and Josef! They looked like newlyweds out there on the dance floor swaying and staring into each others eyes.

As we played the final notes, I leaned over and told Tony that we should play another slow song because there were at least a dozen couples dancing at the time.

He agreed.

Just as the last note ended, we started into “Do You Believe Me Now” by Vern Gosden and the dancers kept dancing.

Halfway through the song I saw a guy walk in the bar.

It was David…..Elizabeth’s ex-husband.

He walked through the small crowd on the dance floor with his eyes never leaving Elizabeth and Josef.

Once at the bar he ordered a drink from Carla, picked it up, sat down in Elizabeth’s place and stared at her.

Apparently, Liz wanted to yank David's chain so, she began kissing and fondling Josef.

Of course, he reciprocated enthusiastically!

I hadn’t seen David since that night over a month ago when he had shown up unexpectedly and had shown his ass in Liz’s office.

We finished the song and Josef led Elizabeth by the hand back to the bar.

I watched as Elizabeth looked at David and motioned for him to get off of her barstool. He stared at Josef and reluctantly got up. He then finished his drink and slammed his glass down on the bar.

He said something angrily then turned and walked back to the other room towards the rest room.

Tony and I cranked up another song which I remember vividly.

We wanted to do something up tempo to change the mood. The song was "Paradise" by John Prine.

A few minutes into the song, I saw David walking back into the main room. He was obviously headed to the bar.

I could also see that he had a gun in his left hand!

Before I could even process the thought, he walked up to Elizabeth and leveled the gun at her!

Evidently, he squeezed the trigger and his arm flew up as though the gun had fired but….I didn't hear a sound! Apparently, he had anticipated the recoil even though the gun hadn't actually fired.

He took a step back and worked the slide on the automatic he was carrying.

I stopped playing immediately.

Tony, who rarely looked up while playing, kept on playing for a second before he too, stopped playing abruptly.

There was an eerie silence for a second until a loud explosion filled the club.

I was looking at Elizabeth.

I suppose, in my mind's eye, I fully expected to see her get blown off of the barstool.

Screams and commotion filled the bar and, honestly, I didn’t know what the hell was going on.

As the cliche goes.........time just sort of slowed down.

Elizabeth was still sitting there although she had a strange look on her face.

Josef had wrapped her in his huge arms and was still holding her as my eyes turned beyond them and settled on Dex.

He was standing there with a big pistol in his hands.

I remember thinking that he looked just like a cop.

Well shit…..he was a cop!!

Only then did my gaze drop to the floor where I saw David laying there. He was rolling from side to side moaning loudly and grasping his chest.

Son of a bitch!

Dex had shot the asshole.

Being from the TV generation, I unhooked my guitar, place it on the stand and stepped down off the stage. I rushed to the bar expecting someone to yell “CUT” or.....go to a commercial break to break the reality of the situation but no……none of that took place.

This shit was really happening!

As I reached the prostrate body of David, he rolled onto his back…….and died.


He exhaled a huge breath of air and made a sound that sounded like a clogged drain finally releasing.

Sort of a loud “glug”.

It was extremely surreal.

As I knelt down to check him out, Dex rushed over and pushed me away.

“Get the fuck out of the way!” he shouted.

He grabbed David’s wrist then placed a finger on his neck for a second or two.

Dex looked up at Elizabeth.

He’s dead Liz.” His voice was shaky.

All of the sudden, there was a noise I couldn’t quite make out. I was standing three feet away from David and, I thought for a second that he was still alive.

He wasn’t.

The sound I heard was his bowels releasing and suddenly, the bar was filled with a God awful smell!

Dex promptly threw up on the floor and the crowd, including me, ran out the front door!

As I stood outside, I remember thinking that I had just seen a man killed but, the only thing that had made me freak out completely was the fact that he had shit himself!

How damned bizarre is that?

Believe it or not, I continued to play and manage Carl's for almost a year and a half AFTER that night!

Yep...I'm a moron.

Side Note:

I'll probably write about the remainder of my time at Carl's in future stories because, quite frankly, Carl's was a 'story rich' environment but, for now....I'll just say that it was a wild and wooly place to play!

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