Rons Rants

A Blog Is A Self-Inflicted Invasion Of Privacy

Location: Newland, North Carolina, United States

I'm a fifty two year old happily married man who doesn't really like many people which is why I live on the top of a mountain.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Never Say...."Go Ahead And Shoot!"

Thanks to all of you who stopped by and commented on my last post the other day.

I know....I lied about posting again the next day but damn it...stuff happened again.

It's great to hear from ya'll again.

I was reminded of this story after seeing a ’67 Ford Ranchero yesterday.

This is a TRUE story!

This is the convoluted story of a strange love triangle that went ridiculously wrong and oh yeah…..


Let’s just call this little tale…..

Never Say...."Go Ahead And Shoot!"

The year is 1978 I think but then again……the years kinda run together in the old memory bank these days but it was somewhere around then.

I was playing in a southern rock band; tending bar at a place called The Rusty Nail, partying like a Viking and generally….having a blast.

I had been dating a girl named Marion for a short while but had recently broke up with her because, even though she was a babe….she was nuttier than a ten pound bag of squirrel shit!

She was simply impossible to deal with on a day to day basis so, we parted ways after only a few months of dating/half-way living together. We still “saw” each other occasionally but, it was, for the most part, just “buddy sex”.

I’m not lying here…this girl was NUTS….the woman firmly believed that she was one of, if not, THE most beautiful women on earth.

Don’t get me wrong…she WAS a damned fine looking woman but… arrogant can you get?

One of our biggest arguments took place after she made the ridiculous statement that she was more beautiful than Raquel Welch!

Just So Ya'll Know....

It has always been my considered opinion that God clearly decided to show off HIS incredible skills one day. On that particular day, I believe HE put aside all other tasks and created Raquel Welch.

Now don’t get me wrong….as an actress OR an intellect, Raquel Welch is the equivalent of a Special Olympics participant but DAMN…..that woman was absolutely, indescribably, without a doubt……homicidally GORGEOUS!

The point is that while Marion was truly beautiful.... she was no Raquel Welch and she WAS a bonafide maniac!

Oh yeah…she also HATED John Wayne!

I told you she was NUTS!

She once told me that John Wayne walked like a faggot and looked like a tired cow!

Friggin’ maniac she was.

However….I digress.

During this time, I had a good friend named Gene who was a Vietnam vet. He had been a highly decorated combat corpsman during the war and was now working at a local hospital. Gene was a big time doper but one hell of nice guy. I think ole Gene had a bunch of demons that he just couldn’t deal with without the help of drugs. Quite frankly, I didn’t have his kind of demons but I loved to get high almost as much as Gene but, of course, I didn’t shoot dope….Gene did.

My drugs of choice were pot, alcohol, hash, the occasional Qualude and of course, the ever present drug….cocaine.

Gene however, loved to shoot all kinds of dope. Coke, Heroin, THC, Demerol…you name it, Gene fired it up AND he did everything else I mentioned earlier. Odd as it may sound however, Gene seemed to handle it all.

He was, I thought, a medical marvel! He worked every single day that he was on call and did his job well. I’ve known some users in my time but Gene was one of the few who could function as a normal person while being a major league doper.

Of course, NOBODY can dance with the devil for long without paying the price but…for a long time; Gene was able to function pretty well.

Shortly after Marion and I broke up, Gene was sitting at the bar and I was bar tending one evening when Marion walked in.

Gene took one look at her and fell in love.

I’m not kidding…..he was just floored!

Marion sat down at the end of the bar and spoke to me.

“Hey Ron….let me get glass of wine.” She said with a sweet smile.

Gene looked at me.

“Put that on my tab dude.” He said quietly.

I nodded to him as I poured her wine and took it to her.

“The wine is on Gene.” I told her as I pointed him out.

She smiled at him.

“Thank you.”

Gene grinned.

“You’re very welcome ma’am, my name is Gene.” He responded.

She looked at him and then at me.

“Did he just call me “Ma’am”? she asked.

I laughed.

“Gene….don’t ever call me that again!” she said after leveling a vicious look in his direction. “I’m too young to be a gotdamned ma’am.”

Gene looked a bit taken aback but recovered nicely.

“You have my word Marion. It’ll never happen again. I apologize.” He laughed.

She smiled her lopsided lascivious and semi maniacal smile as she made a big show of heaving her rather substantial breasts in his direction.

“You are forgiven Gene.” She purred. “Thanks again for the wine.”

She then turned her attention to me.

God save me!

“Ron… you know this fella?” she asked nodding her head in Gene’s direction.

“Gene? Yeah I know him.” I answered. “He’s a good guy…, do him a favor and leave him alone.” I laughed.

She picked up her wine glass and walked over to where Gene was seated and sat down beside him.

I gave Gene a sharp look.

“Don’t do it son….she’s a fuckin’ NUT.” I said emphatically.

“And YOU’RE an ASSHOLE Ron!!” she hissed with a grin on her pretty face.

“Gene….listen to me carefully.” I said. “This is the girl who drove my car up the telephone pole.”

Gene was well aware of the story because he had loaned me his car while mine was in the shop.

Side Note:

One night, Marion had decided that I was paying too much attention to a girl in the audience while my band was playing. The absolute truth of the matter was that I WAS interested in the girl who kept coming up the stage and requesting songs. HOWEVER….I had done absolutely NOTHING for her to get crazy about but nonetheless, Marion went postal!

The girl in question walked out to the parking lot with some friends and unbeknownst to anyone, Marion followed her out and started an argument.

According to those who actually witnessed the scene, Marion and the other girl got into a fight which didn’t last long before it was broken up by the bars bouncer. He ordered everyone to leave and came to tell me what had happened.

As I was finishing a song, Anthony (the bouncer) rushed up to me.

“Boy….you’re crazy assed girlfriend started a brawl in the parking lot and I sent her crazy ass home!” He shouted. “Look at my fuckin’ arm!”

He held up his massive forearm and it was covered in bite marks.

I put my guitar in its stand and leaned down to him.

“Where is she now?” I asked.

“She’s sittin’ in your car.”


I quickly told the audience that we were taking a short break. I jumped off the stage and hauled ass through the club. As I pushed through the front door, I was greeted by the throaty roar of my beloved ’67 Ford Ranchero being ‘red-lined’ in the parking lot.

My recently purchased BF Goodrich radial T/A tires were slinging gravel as Marion bore down on a group of people who were scattering like chickens in a hail storm.

Just as she neared the group, the pretty girl from the bar split away from the crowd and headed off to the left with my Ranchero in hot pursuit.

Before I could do anything, I saw my beautiful old Ranchero go vertical!

It was as if it did a wheelie!

Seconds later, it did a pirouette and, almost as if in slow motion…..flipped over onto its top!

I ran to the car and flopped into push-up position as I peered into the interior.

Marion was lying in a fetal position and motionless.

I reached in and dragged her out of the car.

By that time, a woman had come over and began checking Marion out. I suppose she was a doctor, nurse or midwife…hell, I didn’t know.

As I surveyed the scene I realized what had happened.

That damned crazy woman had run straight up one of those steel wires that support telephone poles!!

My car was ticking and hissing and steam was rising from the front end as Marion began screaming.

“Did I hit the bitch?” She screamed.


Within minutes, an ambulance arrived accompanied by what seemed like every cop in the country along with a contingent of Royal Canadian Mounties in sedans!

Dear God! There were cops EVERYWHERE!

The rest is almost a blur but I do recall that Marion was placed on a stretcher and an EMT guy came up to me.

“Don’t worry sir….she’ll be fine. It’s just a possible concussion and a nasty cut on her scalp.” He explained. “Head wounds bleed a lot but she’s gonna be just fine.”

I looked at him and shook my head.

“Dude….she just drove my car up a friggin’ telephone pole!” I snarled. “She ain’t EVER gonna be FINE! She’s a gotdamned maniac!”
He laughed and clapped me on the shoulder.

“Well….medically speaking…she’s okay.” He chuckled. “The psychological shit ain’t my department.”

He turned to walk away but suddenly turned back to me.

“You wanna talk to her before we take her to the hospital?” He asked.

“Yeah.” I answered.

I followed him to the ambulance.

She was laying on the gurney at the rear end of the ambulance as I walked up. I looked at her. She was crying and looking at me.

“I’m sorry about your car but this is YOUR fault!” She said.

“Marion…….I don’t ever want to see your crazy ass again.” I told her. “I’m tired of this shit.”

I walked away without looking back.

Okay……I DID walk away then but…..I am extremely embarrassed to admit that I continued seeing Marion for another month AFTER that ridiculous event!

Did I mention she was a BABE?

It’s amazing what a man will go through for a girl like that.


ANYWAY…..Back To The Story………..

Gene grinned at me as he smiled at Marion.

“You probably did something to piss her off.” He laughed. “I never liked that damn car anyway.”

“Damn right he did something to piss me off!” Marion snarled. “He’s a womanizer!”

I just shook my head and laughed.

“Yeah well….you’re a friggin’ maniac.” I chucked.

Gene smiled at her.

“I tend to believe your side of the story.” He laughed and looked at her. “I know for a fact that Ron’s an asshole.”

She looked at me and grinned smugly.

I couldn’t let him get involved with her without giving it another shot.

“Gene…..this is my last warning dude. Don’t let her rope you in.” I said flatly. “I’m tellin’ you pal…this won’t end well.”

Needless to say, Gene didn’t heed my advice. In fact, he flipped me the bird and proceeded to strike up a very intense private conversation with her.

I made myself scarce and let nature take its course for awhile as I did my job. After fifteen minutes or so, Gene waved me over.

“Lemme get another round here dude.”

Marion gave me a smirk as I shook my head and went to get their drinks.

As I returned and placed their drinks in front of them, Gene asked her why we had broken up.

Marion gave me a sinister look.

“Because he’s an asshole AND he’s a lousy lover!” She said loudly.

Gene roared with laughter and slammed his hand down on the bar.

I looked at Marion with what I’m certain was a shocked expression on my face.

After all…we used to go at it like rabbits when we were together!

She gave me a sinister look.

“Well….it’s true!” she said. “You ARE an asshole!”

I leaned in close to her.

“Okay…I’ll admit to being an asshole but what’s this about being a lousy lover?” I asked. “You never complained when we were together!” I said defensively.

She just sneered at me and took a sip of her wine.

Just then, Steve Levy, the owner of the bar walked up to the bar and sat down.

“Gimme a scotch rocks Ronster.” He said as he lit a cigarette.

“Comin’ up.” I said.

As I delivered his drink, he took a big drag off his cigarette, exhaled and looked at me with a wry grin.

“So…..what’s this I hear about you bein’ a lousy lover?” he snickered.

Everyone in the bar who had been paying rapt attention to Marion’s loud mouth absolutely HOWLED!

Gene had his head on the bar and old Tim Hannigan, the bar’s resident bar fly, was pounding his hand on the bar trying to catch his breath.

Marion just sat there laughing and glaring at me!

All I could do was stand there and take it all in.

When the laughter died down, I came to my own rescue.

“Okay Marion….if I’m such a lousy lover, how come you were so pissed when I dumped your crazy ass?”

Without missing a beat she burned me again.

“Because I figured you owed me at least ONE good fuck! You big ole ASSHOLE!” She screeched.

Of course……the bar went NUTS!

Once the laughter died down again, I decided to take another approach to the situation.

“If I was such a lousy lover, how come you never mentioned it?” I demanded.

Again…she didn’t miss a beat.

“I never said anything because I was afraid it would destroy your confidence.” She said as she turned toward the other folks in the bar. She then continued as though she was addressing a classroom full of rapt students.

“Most people don’t realize it but the male ego is a very fragile thing. I’ll bet you didn’t know that.” She finished with a smug look on her face.

Well hell….what was I supposed to say to that?

“Damn girl….I didn’t even know I HAD an ego till you said that shit!” I said sheepishly. “After this….I may need therapy.” I laughed.

Everyone was laughing when Tim Hannigan stood and quieted the small crowd.

“Ron…..don’t let this bother you son….my ex wife said that I was a lousy lover AND a poor provider! Women are full of shit!” He proclaimed.

“Shut the fuck up Tim!” Steve laughed. “Your wife left your sorry ass for a ugly assed girl she met when the bank was foreclosin’ on your fuckin’ house ‘cause you couldn't keep a gotdamned job!”

We all howled.

Tim flipped the bar the bird and sat down again.

He looked at me and shrugged his shoulders.

“Hey…..I tried dude.” He shrugged his shoulders and then looked at Steve. “Fuck you Steve......them girls is just roommates!”

“Did you say ‘Womb-mates’ Tim?” Steve asked with a sinister grin.

Tim slumped his head towards the bar as the crowd erupted again.

“Thanks for your support Tim.” I said.

Just then, Diana, a girl I had been seeing recently walked up to the bar and motioned for me to lean close to her. I complied and she promptly laid a big kiss on me.

Again, the bar went wild until we separated.

She stood tall and glared at Marion.

“Don’t believe a word of her crap….this boy’s a great lover!” She proclaimed.

I beamed and raised my arms in Marion’s direction as my friends hooted and hollered.

“I guess it’s just a matter of opinion girl.” I laughed.

Marion wasn’t gonna shut up! She stood up and pointed at Diana.

“You’re just a young ‘un girl…you don’t what a good lover is.” She said. “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Diana laughed.

“I might be A LOT younger than you and haven’t screwed half the guys in town but I do know one thing……he ain’t with you…AND he IS with me!” She shouted.

In a flash, Marion was running around the bar toward Diana and let me tell ya’ll…..

It was ON!

To her credit, Diana defended herself well against Marion’s initial onslaught but, within seconds, Marion had her bent over the bar trying to strangle her. It took all my strength to pry her hands away from Diana’s throat as Gene pulled Marion off of her from behind.

Within a few moments, the attack had been thwarted but Marion was not to be calmed down. She kicked, screamed, cursed and snarled as Gene and Steve hauled her out of the bar.

After a few minutes, Steve came back inside breathing heavily.

He strode to the bar and sat down. He looked at me and then Diana.

“You okay little darlin’? “ He asked her.

Before she could respond, the front door of the club blew inward. The plate glass explosion was immediatly followed by the front end of a Chevy Nova!

Ten feet later, the car came to rest against a pool table…..engine still running.

Everyone stared at the bizarre sight as Marion sat stock still in the driver’s seat and Gene came crawling headfirst out of the passenger side window. He fell to the glass strewn floor and slowly stood up.

As the small crowd looked on, the engine revved and, as fast as it had appeared, the Nova backed out of the hole in the wall and drove off.

There was a stunned silence for a few seconds until Gene staggered toward the bar brushing his jeans with his hands. He looked up and grinned.

“Ain’t much of a driver is she?”

I couldn’t help but laugh as did everyone else. Everyone except Steve that is….

He was standing in the middle of the bar staring silently at the brand new door in his bar. After a few seconds, he turned and looked at no one in particular.

“Who the hell is gonna pay for this shit?” He screamed.

Everyone laughed even harder.

Gene walked up to me.

“Ron… shouldn’t have pissed her off.” He said.

I looked at him and laughed.

“You think THAT is MY fault?” I asked and pointed to the ruined wall.

He gave me a look that told me he was disgusted with me.

“You shouldn’t have pissed her off!” He spat. “You know that the girl is high strung!”

I couldn’t believe my ears!

Steve overheard Gene’s comments and stormed over to him.

“HIGH STRUNG?” He roared. “HIGH STRUNG? That bitch is a fuckin’ LUNATIC and I’m gonna put her crazy ass in jail!”

He stomped around the back of the bar and picked up the phone.

“What the hell are you doin’?” Gene asked.

“I’m callin’ the fuckin’ cops dumbass!” He growled. “Why the hell shouldn’t I?”

Gene reached over and grabbed Steve’s arm.

“No man…don’t call the cops!” He pleaded. “Steve…I’ll cover the damage. Hell, I’ll have it repaired by tomorrow afternoon.”

Steve jerked his arm out of Gene’s grasp.

“Fuck you!” He shouted. “That woman is goin’ to jail!”

“C’mon Steve…..I’ll take care of it!” Gene asked again.

Steve looked at me.

“Well?” He asked. “What should I do?”

“How the hell should I know? The woman is nuts but I don’t wanna see her locked up.” I said. “Although…….she might NEED to be locked up for awhile.” I offered. “After all….this is the second time in two months that she’s used a car as a deadly weapon.” I chuckled.

Steve thought about it for a minute and then hung up the phone. He turned to Gene.

“I want this shit cleaned up by tomorrow afternoon and YOU are gonna sleep here tonight to stand guard!” He snarled.

Gene smiled.

“Thanks a lot Steve.” He said.

“Why in the hell are you coverin’ her crazy ass Gene?’ I asked.

He gave me a weird look and uttered the words I’ll never forget.

“I’m gonna marry that girl Ron.” He said quietly. “And don’t let me hear you talk bad about her again.”

I started to say something else but....I didn’t.

I wish I had.

To Be Continued Soon……….

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